Sisters children and step child and our holiday

[FallingDream]

My parents moved back to my dad’s home country in March. We plan to visit them in October in the school holidays.

My sister has asked us if we will take her children and step child with us so that they get to see our parents but mainly to help with childcare as she and her partner have to work. Her partner is away with work that week and the week after.

My parents are ok with us bringing them all but I know it would end up with us looking after the youngest. Our children are 16 and 14 so we are at the stage where we can relax on holidays. My sisters kids are 15 and 13, step child is 7 so she still need looking after and more supervising.

Are we unreasonable not to take them with us or only take the older 2? We haven’t had a summer holiday this year so we were looking forward to relaxing holiday. We suggested just taking our nieces but got the usual stuff about treating them all the same. She’s not the same because she is 7 and needs looking after, and yes, also, she isn’t our niece so it is different.

DS can’t take the week off as she is too busy at work with a project at that time apparently. My husband says we may as well stay home if we aren’t going to be able to relax properly and it’s gone from something we were all looking forward to, to something that we don’t want to do. We are all reasonable happy to take our nieces as they don’t need looking after as such and they won’t change the vibe of the holiday.

My sister insists step child is ‘easy’ so we will be able to relax. That won’t be the case as I will feel very responsible for her and obviously she may miss her dad, my sister and her mum. She lives 50/50 between her mum and dad. Her mum is on holiday and this is her dad’s time. He’s away with work which annoys me more. I also find it strange that the little girls mum is fine with her coming away with us when we have only met her mum twice. I feel sorry for the little girl quite honestly, but we really want a break.

Sorry if it’s all a bit jumbled but hope I’ve explained it all. What do you think?

Does anyone think its quite telling that the Dad to this 7 yr old has neglected, purposefully or not with work circumstances to be unavailable for his own child, where mum has commitments and extended family on that side refuse/ are unwilling to have her 'on dad's time'?! Speaks to a bigger pattern of him dropping his responsibilities and having everyone cater to him. The DS is enabling this behaviour now and drawing everyone else in to support.
For me your family, DH and children, parents are being left out of this and their expectations for a lovely trip is lost. Yet we're talking about the resentment of the older nieces and DS, DSN!! Whilst I appreciate youre trying to enable the older nieces to maintain connections to grandparents its a totally different ball game to take a 7 year old you hardly know to a foreign country, we've all read the horror stories when things go wrong for some sense of duty you're being told is your responsibility?! It's simply not.
Your children, parents, Husband, your life to reconcile and enjoy. Your poor hubby is so demoralized he'd rather stay home!!! Speaks to he knows how this will unfold.

Eh?! @Isittimeformynapyet please point out to me where I said the OP needs help booking seats.

I wasn't disparaging a 7 year old.

The sister apparently insists step child is ‘easy’ so OP will be able to relax. Evidently that isn't the case. I am not suggesting any other 7 year old would be different.

Yes I think you’re right! It’s a very clever tactic!

Your ‘evidence’ the 7 year old is not easy like the OP’s sister says is solely based on knowing she doesn’t like holiday clubs.

On that sole fact you’re dismissing the sister’s view based on living with the child.

It seems your definition of easy is “totally compliant”. That’s not mine,

I wonder whether the 7 year old genuinely dislikes holiday clubs, or it's just OPs sister talking it up because she'd rather have the week to herself.

True.

But it's still the case that none of the 3 adults in the girl's life wants to change plans. It's really sad.

Oh I agree on that!

Nah, it's a real cheeky fxxker tactic of someone who doesn't give a damn about anyone but herself.

If I was OP's husband and she agrees to this I would tell her that her she can take all the children herself and crack on.

I'd stay at home.

When you start a new job, you ask them to honour existing holidays.

I just don't believe that the child's father wouldn't have got his holiday honoured by his new employer if he had asked for it; my guess is that he didn't bother asking and didn't care about the prearranged commitment made.

Even if he asked and it was refused: parents have a right to request up to 4 weeks' parental leave. It's a statutory right so the employer can't refuse it. My guess is that he would rather disappoint his child than his new employer, and doesn't want to lose money by taking unpaid leave.

Or if he felt he really had to work, he could have arranged paid childcare. But again he probably doesn't want to 'waste' money on this. Why pay out for childcare when instead he can task his partner with finding some random adjacent female to do it for free?

My sister has decided not to let our nieces come away with us. I think that is a shame but her kids, her choice.

It has caused lots of problems. She is saying none of us treat her step child as if she is part of the family and the whole situation has upset my parents.

Your sister sounds like trouble-maker!

Her older girls will realise this over time-sadly it will probably drive a big wedge between them/her and the step-sister.

I wonder if she thinks this will make you cave and if you don't, nearer the time, she will change her mind and let the older two go.

Your sister (no doubt supported by her DH) is making a grave mistake here.

This isn't about the step-child being able to come or not anymore, this is about your nieces NOT being able to come because of their step-sister.

This is a mistake that will have long reaching consequences. I have seen the fall out of something similar, and relationships never recovered.

This is about bio or not, a 7 year old is wildly different to look after than a teenager! How can she expect you to basically give up your holiday to look after her kid. You wont be able to do anything that you wanted to.

What a way to foster resentment towards the young girl . Because this child is no relation at all to them . She is their mother's husband child . They will want no contact at all in future .
Poor kid stuck in the middle . Should have been no discussion at all . Older girls going away that week to see their grandparents is all .
Just because your sister chose to be with a man with a child , doesn't mean her family have to have anything other than a pleasant and civil relationship.

I expect the situation will put extra pressure on your dp. Do you think they may cave and offer to look after the younger child?

I think you should take your dsis at her word and proceed with your holiday as originally planned. Massive difference have 2 dc versus 5.

I’m actually not surprised. The older 2 will be required to babysit.

I just wouldn’t engage with this. She’s now gone and created drama around your holiday and the time you were looking forward to spending with your parents.

She’s made your family holiday about her. You made her a generous offer to take your nieces. She didn’t accept. Her choice, but end of conversation.

And she brings it I’d say “Do you realise you have made our holiday about you & upset our parents?”

Your sister is making a much bigger deal of this than she needed to.

The two big issues regarding taking her SD:
: her age - it would fundamentally change your and all your family's holiday due to the age difference.
: she is not related to you at all, so you'd need letters of permission at the very least, from both her bio parents.
Plus that's a huge responsibility to take someone else's young child abroad.

I feel really sorry for your teen nieces, who are going to be angry with your sister and resentful of their SS.
Sorry for your teens who are going to miss out on a fun time with their cousins.
And sorry for your parents, who are going to miss out on spending time with two of their DGC.

I also feel sorry for you, caught up in this drama with your sister, and for your DH.

Has the SD been routinely left out of family events and gatherings? Not given Christmas or birthday gifts from you and your parents?
Ignored when she is around?
I'm betting not.

Are her teens invited on holiday with SD's mum or her relatives, or to family parties? Does the mum give your sister's teens Christmas and birthday gifts?
I'm betting not.

Whether she likes it or not, her SD is not a 'full' member of your family - she has a whole other family that she spends half her life with. That's a huge difference.

It's sad, but this is your sisters choice, and you are all going to have to live with the consequences.

I hope you have a lovely holiday with your parents.

My sister has decided not to let our nieces come away with us.
Presumably the underlying reason is because they'll be used as forced childcare?

She is saying none of us treat her step child as if she is part of the family
Is she actually married to the 7yr olds father (you mention partner in your OP so I assume not)? If she's not even married and she has also previously dated and lived with a man who had a son then I think its realistic to proceed with caution and not fully submerge this child in your family life. It's not about disliking the child, and for most of life she can be treated equally (gifts at birthday and Xmas, taken on days out, attend family events etc) but your family holiday is a pretty big deal when in reality you can't possibly know her as well as your biological nieces (since she hasn't been in your lives that long, and also she spends half her time with her mother). Its also very telling if her maternal family won't help with childcare on Dads time...eeeek!

I think your sister will end up causing issues for herself of she tries to force massive responsibility on you guys.

I agree @FreddoEspresso.

Poor DNs.

Well, she’s created those problems, and plenty for herself as well. She’s all but guaranteed that her own children will now not only resent her, but also her stepchild. I can’t imagine it’s going to be much fun in her house.