Sisters children and step child and our holiday

[FallingDream]

My parents moved back to my dad’s home country in March. We plan to visit them in October in the school holidays.

My sister has asked us if we will take her children and step child with us so that they get to see our parents but mainly to help with childcare as she and her partner have to work. Her partner is away with work that week and the week after.

My parents are ok with us bringing them all but I know it would end up with us looking after the youngest. Our children are 16 and 14 so we are at the stage where we can relax on holidays. My sisters kids are 15 and 13, step child is 7 so she still need looking after and more supervising.

Are we unreasonable not to take them with us or only take the older 2? We haven’t had a summer holiday this year so we were looking forward to relaxing holiday. We suggested just taking our nieces but got the usual stuff about treating them all the same. She’s not the same because she is 7 and needs looking after, and yes, also, she isn’t our niece so it is different.

DS can’t take the week off as she is too busy at work with a project at that time apparently. My husband says we may as well stay home if we aren’t going to be able to relax properly and it’s gone from something we were all looking forward to, to something that we don’t want to do. We are all reasonable happy to take our nieces as they don’t need looking after as such and they won’t change the vibe of the holiday.

My sister insists step child is ‘easy’ so we will be able to relax. That won’t be the case as I will feel very responsible for her and obviously she may miss her dad, my sister and her mum. She lives 50/50 between her mum and dad. Her mum is on holiday and this is her dad’s time. He’s away with work which annoys me more. I also find it strange that the little girls mum is fine with her coming away with us when we have only met her mum twice. I feel sorry for the little girl quite honestly, but we really want a break.

Sorry if it’s all a bit jumbled but hope I’ve explained it all. What do you think?

God, what a way to foster resentment in the teenage nieces

good for you for standing your ground

guaranteed she doesn’t actually care about her stepdaughter being integrated into her wider step family and is just pissed off about not having free childcare

Her kids have fucked off to their dads as they’re upset they can’t come with us and if she tries to make them babysit in the holiday they will do the same. She’s handled it very badly.

This won’t feel good but it sounds as though it was the best result.

I have a friend who fell out quite badly with her sister over a childcare thing that she was doing for her. She felt really bad about it but then her husband said “Well, what’s the result? That you won’t be allowed to do yet more complicated bits of childcare for her?” and she felt a lot better.

So the next time this gets mentioned you can say “I think it was the best result. It was causing quite a lot of drama and tension.” It is really important that you say this in a completely matter of fact, unemotional way. Pretend to be an English speaking German person.

Your sister is being incredibly short-sighted here. Her daughters won’t forget this.

Is she married to the 7 year old’s dad?

But it wasn’t the best result. It wasn’t what the OP wanted.

What the OP wanted was to take her nieces. The OP’s parents and DC also wanted to them to come. As of course did the nieces themselves.

Her kids have fucked off to their dads

Can their dad give them permission to go with you?

That might make things go nuclear! Clever idea but would be like dropping a bomb.

If you are still willing to take them, I would let their father know. He can fight it out with their mother.

Sounds like a strong arm tactic to me.

Yes, there is already going to be a rift with your sister over this, so go the whole hog and get permission from their dad to take them. Then lots of you get to have the holiday you all wanted.

The OP said that the sister asked if the OP would take them all. Her AIBU was whether she would be unreasonable to not take them or only take the older two. She is looking forward to a relaxing holiday.

This doesn’t sound as though she is desperate to take any of her sister’s children. She was willing to take the older two but the youngest would mean she wouldn’t get a relaxing holiday.

I expect she would need permission to take her nieces from both their parents. Realistically, engineering an enormous falling out with the sister (which this would do) would create the opposite of a relaxing holiday.

The nieces will not be children forever. Take them when they are over 18.

I would make sure that your nieces know that this wasn’t your decision. Then leave her to it.

Indeed. OP and her nieces have their own relationships with one another, independent of her sister. If OP is willing to take them, there’s no reason not to leave the offer open.

Slow clap to the sister though. Not only has the original childcare issue not been solved, but she’s now created rifts within her own household between her and her children, her children and her stepchild, and probably between her husband and her children as well. Well, I say ‘within her household’, but her children have already voted with their feet to their father’s house where they may choose to stay.

I think it's a clear case of FAFO.

I was really shocked that sister went behind OP's back to ask their parents how much they were prepared to help OP with SD's care!

Ah. The old "Wahhh I didn't get what I wanted so nobody can" footstomp. She's a mug in the first place for letting this school holiday childcare become her problem.

Your poor nieces. Your sister has made a massive mistake making that decision. Now not only can they not go and see their grandparents, they can potentially resent their step sister as well as their mother for not letting them visit their grandparents.

Very manipulative of your sister as well - you were damned if you did and damned if you didn’t take the 7 year old. But she’s basically pissed off she has to do child care for the week. Don’t blame your nieces for going to their dad’s. I really feel for them. And you for you and your parents.

I'll be interested to see if your sister is happily booking tickets for all 5 of her household when they go see your parents or if it happens to fall when the 7 year old is at her mum's.

If I was the OP I'd just block her sister's number until the holiday is over and any fuss has died down. Once OP has been told if she's taking her nieces or not, that's really all she needs to know. I'm sure they have phones she can contact them on about travel times etc. directly. No need for OP to get into any arguments about the 7yr old, just be unavailable to discuss it.

This situation is a typical example of how men think childcare shouldn't affect them in any way OP. If this had been reversed and it was a woman with the 7yr old looking for a new job, she'd have had to decline the job if necessary, because she had to care for her DD that week as the other parent was on holiday.

This is what the your BIL should have done too OP. He should only have taken that job on the understanding that he would be unable to work the week of his 7yr old's mum's holiday, he should have negotiated it into the job offer terms and if he couldn't (maybe it was a predetermined date for group training of newbies or something) then he shouldn't have accepted the job.

Unless he'd already agreed it with your sister prior to him accepting the job that she'd look after the 7yr old that week, in which case she should be the one telling her boss she can't work that week due to childcare issues. But somehow I doubt he did this. More likely he just took the job because that's what he wanted to do, then announced to his wife that he was unavailable for childcare that week and decided it would magically all work itself out somehow later.

The most sensible and the simplest solution - the 7yr old goes to whatever childcare is available that week. Which does not mean gate-crashing the OPs annual family holiday!

The OP wrote this in one of her posts

“It’s a shame for our nieces and parents to miss out on seeing each other when taking them isn’t a problem at all. It’s only taking the younger one that brings issues.”

She also said she thought the nieces should come with them.

Oh that's a shame she didn't let them go. I'm not surprised though. She's got form for this, she must have, given her's and other people's reactions.
Stepdaughter's paternal grandparents "unsuitable",
maternal grandparents refusing childcare during her dad's contact time,
your sister's kids upset and blowing up about babysitting already before being asked and also in the past refusing to do it,
your sister's spectacular CF-ery trying to manipulate you and your parents, now her reaction to being told No...

She's probably been doing this for years, palming DSD off on anyone she can, if your BIL is away with work during his contact time.

The whole picture is one of dysfunction.

Well done for standing firm and keeping yourself out of it! Hope you enjoy a peaceful holiday and no more drama comes your way.

I feel sad that your parents only “don’t mind” seeing their step grandchild whom they have known since she was 1.

aside from that I totally get why you don’t want to take her. Your sister or their girl’s father can arrange a nanny to take care of her whilst she is visiting your parents? You will need to come to an arrangement about when you need a night out. But the age gap changes the dynamics of the group so that would be a bigger issue for me than the 7 year old not being my biological niece

Wow she’s like a lesson in how not to manage family affairs!

In her attempts to crash together her blended family she has managed to literally piss everyone off.
You and presumably your partner
Her own kids who now can’t go
Her nieces who won’t get to hang out with their cousins
Her parents who will miss an opportunity to see one set of GC.

All to prove a point about her dhs kid. Not even her child. Well done numptty!

No reason their dad can't send them with you frankly. He should advocate for them. She is ruining her relationship with them.

What a silly mare she is …