To ask if you’d be allowed to do this?

[Lighterthansprite]

I rarely ever have a night away - just for context. The last one was about 2 years ago and I can’t remember the time before that. DH has never liked it much (he has had nights away, including several nights abroad with friends for stags / birthdays etc)

Unfortunately it has happened that I have an agreed night away coming up shortly, which has been planned for ages to see a concert, but another close friend has now asked me if I am able to go with her for a spa night the weekend before as the person she originally planned to go with can’t make it.

So I’d be away two weekends - one after the other. I haven’t even asked yet… I don’t know if it’s unreasonable to do so? Two children - nearly 18 and 12.

Would your DH / partner allow you to go?

Allow me. LOL.

He’d be told to fuck off if he said anything other than “have a lovely time.”

YANBU to use the word 'allowed' imo.

You are an adult, so you inherently do not require anyones permission to do as you please.

You are also married, with kids, so it's not unreasonable to consider your H's feelings with regard to going away for a weekend?

However, I'd be asking 'How can we make this work, because I want to go to both weekends?' rather than asking for bloody permission?

Your kids aren't young, and they have a Father as well as a Mother, so just have a discussion and make it work.

If he's a nice person at all, he won't mind a bit (just like you didn't mind being left alone with the kids when he went away, sever times), but if he did kick off about it at all, I'd be laying a few home truths down about how you facilitated him having time away!

Ask? Allowed?

This !
I understand compromise between parents if children are small and one parent goes away a lot, but that’s not what is happening here at all. Why do you need to ask OP ?

For reference OP. My DH has never complained about me going anywhere, I frequently visit our dd at uni, and I have been to visit friends. He is sometimes away for work, and this Autumn he is going away with friends. It’s not an issue.

uabu to ask for permission. That said in a mature relationship between 2 adults with caring responsibility there is give, take and consideration required.

No bloody wonder you’re happier with your friends! Don’t allow him to control you. Could the 12 year old have a sleepover elsewhere so he/she isn’t subject to his ‘d’f’s moodiness? I’m sorry, your ‘d’h sounds like a total idiot, particularly if he has multiple trips away annually. How unequal!

It’s how it should be. Your DH sounds abusive

Its bad enough you feel you need to ask permission but the fact you think he will "take it out on the kids" are you not seeing the massive red flags?

Oh OP, I hope you are seeing now that this is not a healthy relationship that you are in. For context, When my children (both SEN) were 6 and 8 months old I had a few friends ask me on a weekend away. I was hesitant but my husband was adamant that I should go and have a good time because it was good for me to have a break away and some fun after a difficult time. I was worried about leaving the baby but he assured me that he was perfectly capable of taking care of his own children for a few nights. I went and he kept me updated with photos throughout the weekend to show them having a good time. I was glad I went. A while after that he booked me and my friend into a local hotel for a spa break, paying for it for both of us, just because I deserved it. Now our children are 16 and 10 we both have a few weekends away with friends a year. We will check with each other regarding dates/commitments but never need to ask permission. We trust each other implicitly and that is what a healthy marriage looks like. It is a partnership.

Of course I'd be allowed to go away if I chose to. I would be telling my DH out of curtesy I'm going away not asking for his approval or permission. Your children aren't that young & are old enough to get by with just their Dad being around for them so why feel guilty for going away & enjoying yourself.

My first (abusive) partner would not have liked this… he’d have made me feel guilty and sulked and eventually made me feel like I was the unreasonable one expecting him to do everything for 2 whole weekends in a row!’ Would use co-revise control to bully me into declining and making me
feel unreasonable for even considering going! - and this includes tactics saying he only doesn’t want you to go because he’d miss you so much… blah blah….

my ex husband who wasn’t abusive, would probably have offered to pay half and say ‘yeah have a lovely time and thanked the friend for inviting me because I never got to go away much!

Please google coercive control.
he’s got worse because his tactics work!!
I used to tell my abusive partner I was going out as late in the day as I could so the sulking was minimal. Give a weeks notice I had a week of sulking and nastiness … tell him just before I needed to get ready and I only had to put up with his mood for a few hours… I never gave into his tactics just adapted my behaviour to minimise it. So in your shoes I’d arrange for the 14 year old to stay the weekend at a friends or family members first…. Then tell DH that 14 year old DC is staying out the weekend . Then slightly later say ‘oh Jackie’s text and Sandra has
dropped out of spa weekend so since 14 yo is away I have said I’ll go in Sandra’s place …. If he sulks ignore…. If he says you should want to spend every day with him remind him of his weekends away that he doesn’t turn down to stay home with you.. or simply say ‘yes I love our time together but this is a spa weekend and I really want to go!’
the fact he’s jealous of you having fun with anyone other than him is disgusting!!

Of course he'd be fine with me going! It's quite strange that he needs to 'allow' you to go... he's not your parent and you're both grown adults who can care about each other without being controlling. If kids were young I'd be hesitant in going away but 18 and (nearly) 12 with their dad still in the house is fine! Esp if he's spent nights away himself.

Allow? That's a weird idea. Yes, we both go away fairly often. 8 year old kid.

If he is sulking and making you feel guilty for doing a perfectly normal and healthy thing then I'm sorry but he's controlling, narcissistic emotional abuser. Do your own thing. If he doesn't like it he knows where the door is!

Still haven’t managed to summon up the courage. 😬

@Lighterthansprite im really sad for you, this is such a terrible situation to be in. The fact you need to ask permission at all is absurd but being afraid to do so because of the consequences is heartbreaking. Can you not see this is not a normal or healthy way to live? Why should he get to dictate your life.

You could make a start by doing the Freedom Programme online
https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

Are you afraid of him?

It sounds like you may be in an abusive relationship, op.
I hope you continue to get support on here. You have every right to have a full social life with spa days and concerts and not have to ask permission, but work together as a team of equals around DC etc

I hope you’re reading all this and taking it in. It’s hard to read how bad your relationship is but believe it. A lot of us have got out of awful relationships and now realise what a healthy one looks like and unfortunately for you, yours is not 😢

My DA support worker says to me “in your own time”. So I pass the message on. It is not a race, but you can do it OP, the support you need is out there.

You have been on my mind regularly since I first read your post and replies. Your story hurts my heart so much, I wish you could see how wrong this is. Sending you strength and courage 🤍