To ask if you’d be allowed to do this?

[Lighterthansprite]

I rarely ever have a night away - just for context. The last one was about 2 years ago and I can’t remember the time before that. DH has never liked it much (he has had nights away, including several nights abroad with friends for stags / birthdays etc)

Unfortunately it has happened that I have an agreed night away coming up shortly, which has been planned for ages to see a concert, but another close friend has now asked me if I am able to go with her for a spa night the weekend before as the person she originally planned to go with can’t make it.

So I’d be away two weekends - one after the other. I haven’t even asked yet… I don’t know if it’s unreasonable to do so? Two children - nearly 18 and 12.

Would your DH / partner allow you to go?

You sound so ground down, OP. I imagine it’s come as something of a shock to have so many posters telling you your husband is actually abusive and controlling, but he is. It’s your normal because you’ve been living with it for so long, but I hope the replies are showing that it’s not actually normal at all, for a man to be in control of you like this!

If you’re worried about your 12yo, is there anyone else they could go and stay with while you’re away - other family or friends - as a short term solution?

And in the long term, living in a household where their father is abusing their mother won’t be doing either of your DC any good. They’re learning about relationships from you, and what they’re learning is really unhealthy, I’m sorry to say.

It’s hard to wake up to the fact you’re being abused. You probably want to bury your head in the sand about it. But there are other choices. And you will find a lot of support on here if you do start to think about all this differently; supporting women in these situations is one of the biggest strengths of MN.

You should think about going permanently. This sounds controlling as fuck.

Allowed?? I would just TELL everyone I'm going away for 2 weekends. Nobody in my family would dare tell me I'm not allowed!

Yes, of course. I would clear the dates with him due to childcare because that’s the considerate thing to do. But I am away several weekends a year and I usually take a 4-7 day solo holiday every year too.

OK, so you're trapped living life how he dictates so he doesn't harm your children?

Read that out loud op. 10 times.

Rethink your marriage.

God. It’s like a different world.

It's how the world should be ❤️

I'm not sure why any adult has the right to "allow" a partner to do something normal, pleasant and fun. How does it harm him if you go out twice after two years? I.hope you do go and have a lovely time.

Your dh sounds abusive tbh.

In our house it would be
"Hoeny, you know as I'm away the 9th for Rhondas thing...."
"Yes...."
"Well Mary has asked me to go to the spa with her the weekend before as Jo has let her down so she wondered if I'd like to..."
"Sure baby!"

It's a polite telling. Checking there's no other plans and then making it clear what I'm doing (or him).

Sulking if you go out.

Emotional blackmail if he hears you laugh on the phone.

I'm betting there are many more examples.

That is coercive control.

Coercive control is abuse. It's fully intentional. Any protestations of, "oh, but I wuvs you so much I can't be without you for a second", other such bollocks or nastier examples are just excuses abusers like to use.

You are very obviously walking on eggshells and questioning yourself.

Sounds as if you either know it already or you are coming to realise.

Start planning to leave because he is only going to get worse the more he sees you coming to your senses.

@Lighterthansprite Just read this out to my DH. And he is horrified with head in hands that you are using words like ‘asking’ and ‘permission’. And I reply as a SAHM of 2 SEN kids and wife of a very high profile C-suite bloke who travels all the time - and no local family or staff to help out.

I am sorry, but the fact that you have been made to feel guilty is a red flag. Please have some counselling and consider whether your marriage chould continue on this basis.

But you don't have two children? You have two adults living at home. What's the issue, except for a controlling husband?

Mine would be planning how loud he could play his music and what sloppy minging Chinese takeaway he’d order

I’d run it by him to check it didn’t clash with anything but kids are older so v unlikely for their stuff but the event it did we’d just work it out so everything could happen rather than me miss out

go for it and I hope you have a lovely time

This!!

Nobody allows or doesn’t allow me to do anything.

You are being mentally and emotionally abused and controlled. Divorce

Well of course you'd be happier with your friends, they're not controlling bastards.

I'd be working out a plan to leave.

My kids are 7 and 9 and the only ‘asking’ I would need to do would be to see if those dates work for our schedule and didn’t clash with anything else. Your other half sounds like an arsehole.

The fact you asked if anyone would be allowed was alarming before any of your other posts.
Most couples would discuss this, check there is nothing else on but not having to ask permission.
Your DC’s are old enough that your H wouldn’t even have any looking after to do, so I can’t see any reason he would he unhappy.
Please go op

@Lighterthansprite
Do you understand that you are being abused? What he is doing - using his sulking and controlling behaviour to scare you into “not even asking” is abuse. You are in an abusive, controlling relationship.

You need to leave this man.

We ask each other 'permission' to do things - but with big grins on our faces.
"OK if I meet so-and-so on Weds morning?" "Ooh - I might let you."
We always check who's doing what and when and co-ordinate things. We have to because I'm not driving at the moment (physical problem) so I have to liaise with my 'chauffeur'. And even when I am driving, we still have to liaise as we have one car. It's worked for us for over 50 years.
Good luck, OP.

This is very sad to hear and that you even had to ask AIBU. I really hope you get to go to the spa and that is the first step to you getting control of your life back. No excuse for guilt and sulking. Tell him to fuck off.

My husband and I are grown ups and can decide for ourselves whether we go away or not the only thing we would ask each other is if we had anything planned that I had forgotten about. Why would you need to ask?