To ask if you’d be allowed to do this?

[Lighterthansprite]

I rarely ever have a night away - just for context. The last one was about 2 years ago and I can’t remember the time before that. DH has never liked it much (he has had nights away, including several nights abroad with friends for stags / birthdays etc)

Unfortunately it has happened that I have an agreed night away coming up shortly, which has been planned for ages to see a concert, but another close friend has now asked me if I am able to go with her for a spa night the weekend before as the person she originally planned to go with can’t make it.

So I’d be away two weekends - one after the other. I haven’t even asked yet… I don’t know if it’s unreasonable to do so? Two children - nearly 18 and 12.

Would your DH / partner allow you to go?

Just ran this by my husband and he agrees your husband sounds controlling and emotionally abusive.
If I want to go away with friends I check out of courtesy that he didn't have anything planned then I book, it's not an issue same if he wants a few days away.

You have a right to your own time and to have a life the same as he feels he's entitled to, the DC are up and don't need both of you there. Stand your ground and if that leads to the realisation that you're no longer suited to each other then make a plan to separate, don't let him keep you in this cage.

Read what you wrote again. He might take it out on your child.....what an awful environment to live in. Serious question OP but do you recognise this as an abusive, controlling relationship?

apart from checking we don't have anything else on no don't have any problems about going out when i want same if dh wants to go out.

you're in a controlling relationship

😞 I’m sorry, OP, I wish I could give you a hug 💔

Why are you asking permission? This isn’t normal OP

Yes

Same. I'd check we had no other commitments, there would be somebody to look after the dog etc but I wouldn't need permission.

I would only need to check that DH had nothing else planned and would be available to be with the children. He might be a bit fed up that I’m going two weekends running but tbh my DCs are young primary so it means he’d need to be with them the whole time and would have to give up his own plans. At 12 and 18 I wouldn’t expect any grumbling.

Lovely, I think a lot of people have certain things that we think are normal and then get a shock when we realise they're not. I can relate to this myself and I know of loads of people who've had a similar experience.

Perhaps especially if those things happen to be aspects of our marriages or close relationships, it's easy to feel like we've somehow been ridiculous or stupid or a massive mug. However, I don't believe there should be any shame in it. People get themselves into all sorts of relationship dynamics - from unpleasant to deeply abusive - for a wide range of reasons. It isn't a reflection on your intelligence or your character. It isn't anything to be ashamed of. But hopefully it can be a moment for some rethinking.

And in relation to your specific original query: ordinarily I would jot deliberately plan two solo things on consecutive weekends, but if it naturally happens, it happens. My DH would be fine with it. This is however in the context where we both respect the other's need to have friendships and interests outside of the marriage, and each do our own thing a roughly equal amount. It seems that in your case your DH does not like you having any connections with others or time away that doesn't involve him, which is a massive issue. The fact that he seems to have one rule for you and another for himself makes him a hypocrite and worsens the situation but it isn't the main problem, because even if he didn't have any friends or want to spend any time away from you and the kids himself, that wouldn't take away your right to those things. You are a person and no one should be defined by their roles as a parent and a spouse alone, even if those are the most important things in your life.

When I became a mum, I had an assumption that unless it was something essential for work, I wasn't allowed time to myself anymore. I don't know exactly where this assumption came from but whether it was copying something I'd noticed in my own childhood, or acting out some idea of motherhood I'd got from somewhere else, it was a powerful default mode that shaped how I saw the world. I was incredibly lucky that my DH felt differently and told me so. I was also lucky enough to meet other mums who did things by themselves at times and didn't seem to be ashamed of this. That allowed me to break out of the role I'd made for myself in my head and to see myself as someone with legitimate needs, even as a mum. It's hardly surprising that if you haven't had the luck of similar experiences, you have remained in the 'it's selfish to want any time away ever and my husband needs to give me permission to do anything' mode. I suspect it's a mode that a lot of women have lived out.

I‘m so so sad for you OP. You are in an abusive relationship and maybe you’re only realising this now.
I do very much hope you can escape before it’s too late. Have some life of your own. He’s a disgusting human being. You know the taliban in Afghanistan? I am assuming he thinks they’ve got some good ideas. Appalling. Live a life. You’ve only got one!!!!! Run away. Please. I’m begging you.

Oh dear, sulking is really a bad trait. I've known several women over the years who have had to deal with sulkers. Sulkers learn to get their own way without needing to provide a reason for their objections. It seems a family trait, so it's contagious! Luckily I've not had to deal with it myself ever but I think it's dreadful and as a visitor to a sulking sulker household, I know how uncomfortable it feels. He's used this tactic his whole life and unfortunately you've inadvertently helped him remain the same. Very very difficult for you, so you need to just go ahead and enjoy yourself. Basically he really needs therapy. You've suppressed your normal reactions for him for far too long. The 18 year old is legally old enough to be left in charge anyway.

Allowed? WTF

I would be telling DH I was going and leave it at that. I do not require his permission, you do NOT belong to him.

You realize that what you’re saying at the end here is that you think he would be abusive to your children? If you really believe him capable of that you need to leave him.

You shouldn’t have to ask just say you’re going. He does as he likes, so should you. Your children aren’t babies.

allowed? when as an adult you feel obliged to
ask permission to do anything, like time off in remission its demeaning - be polite but advise
him that you will be away for two consecutive weekends, don't wear a pained expression
don't back down, don't be a prisoner its his
turn to parent his children

Sorry but why are you asking permission. You should be saying X can't make a spa night, I've been invited, we have no other plans in the calendar so I will be going.

Does he seek your permission for all his nights away

"Allow"? He doesn't own you. You're an adult. Aside from a normal conversation between adults about logistics where children are concerned, as other posters have said, there needs to be no more discussion.

It wouldn't be a problem for me. DH will look after the kids.

The. When he says he's going away you quote his words right back at him

one of which is hardly a child at 18!

I don’t understand what exactly you would need to ask him - do you mean permission? If so, and he did not give it to you, how exactly would he stop you from going?

And, do you mean to say that he also had to ask your permission to go away for his stags etc?

You really need to go and rediscover who you are.
The kids are no excuse, they’re old enough to see to themselves.
Would you have gone out with friends before meeting him? If so, go.

I agree with everyone else that this is really sad to hear. DH and I have one weekend away with friends each, he plays golf now and then and I might do a lunch date or friends, spa day but we never ask for permission from the other. I have turned down back to back things, not because of the fall out but because our children are little and I know how hard work it is parenting solo so I wouldn’t want to do that to DH. If my children were the ages yours were, I’d be checking DH was around for them but I certainly wouldn’t be asking if I could go to the spa as well as the other event. And he’d have no problem with me going. You need to reevaluate this relationship

Having to ask / being ‘allowed’?? Im sorry are you a child? You tell him, thats it. It’s not like you have young kids even.

‘Allow’? There’s something not quite right here that you are talking about going out in these terms and that you are so worried about it that you are posting here. The usual way these conversations go is one person tells the other what they’re planning to do and the other spouse says sounds good unless there is a specific reason not to, such as a previous commitment of some kind. Even then if it’s something that can be moved or adapted so you can go to the spa (eg you usually drop a child off somewhere etc) then that’d be thing to do. I’ve seen your later posts where you say your DH would sulk if you go out. It’s not a healthy response to sulk- he is an adult not a child- and it’s not healthy to expect your spouse to want to be with you night and day. This is about his own insecurity and need to control. Why would a loving DH not want you to go out and have fun and recharge? Why would he not want you to be supported by friends if he is secure in himself? I think you know what you need to do here. And it’s not about going to that spa, it’s about getting out of this relationship. You are walking on eggshells. Your children are seeing this, sensing this, absorbing this. You all deserve so much more than the weak child like man you are with.