To ask if you’d be allowed to do this?

[Lighterthansprite]

I rarely ever have a night away - just for context. The last one was about 2 years ago and I can’t remember the time before that. DH has never liked it much (he has had nights away, including several nights abroad with friends for stags / birthdays etc)

Unfortunately it has happened that I have an agreed night away coming up shortly, which has been planned for ages to see a concert, but another close friend has now asked me if I am able to go with her for a spa night the weekend before as the person she originally planned to go with can’t make it.

So I’d be away two weekends - one after the other. I haven’t even asked yet… I don’t know if it’s unreasonable to do so? Two children - nearly 18 and 12.

Would your DH / partner allow you to go?

He's not your father, you are not a child and the kids are not babies. Just tell him you are going. Why is it one rule for him and another for you? If he sulks let him get on with it. Emotional blackmail is never a good look.

My DH has died but there would never have been been a situation where I had to ask him for permission. Either of us would check that it was ok to arrange something, in terms of what else either of us had, on but that was all.

@Lighterthansprite you are in an abusive controlling relationship. You need to make plans to leave, especially as you have told us that he’s getting worse.

Op is he controlling sexually too?

Allowed? I would ask, but only because my kids are younger so one of us needs to be in to look after them. In fact my DH would encourage it unless he already had plans ( he actually feels guilty that he goes out more than me even though I don’t want to go out more).
He might roll his eyes at the cost of a spa day, but wouldn’t stop me if I was paying myself.

Reading this is so scary. None of this is normal OP.

My partner would actively encourage me to go. I could understand being his being a bit peeved at two weekends in a row if you had young kids underfoot, but with the ages you’ve said it absolutely is reasonable!!

How long has your dh been the boss of you? Or how long have you let him be the boss of you.?

DH and I always check each others schedules before we commit to anything. Not because of young kids (dd is 21) but because we have DDog, We also have time consuming hobbies, mine is DHorse but I know we’re lucky. However anything else does take planning BUT we’re both allowed to do what we want to do.
DH is semi retired and work shifts

Given the older one is an adult and the youngest is not a toddler I do not see why you need to ask permission but on reading your posts I see your husband is controlling. You should definitely go as long as he does not take his bad mood out on your kids. Can the youngest go to a relative or friend? In the long run I suggest you get your husband used to the fact you have other people in your life as him kicking off for doing stuff without him is not acceptable. Luckily my husband is not like this and I would not tolerate it.

Allowed??? He doesn’t get to dictate what I do.

My child is four. I have been away to Glastonbury festival (twice), and had two five-day long holidays with friends without my child and husband. I have also been to stay with my mother quite a few times and often go out in the evening.

This isn’t to boast but to show that the amount of “freedom” you’re being given is paltry and more importantly, should not be on his say so. He sounds immensely controlling - the laughing on the phone thing is a major red flag, alongside all the other behaviours.

Please reach out to your sister, friends, to women’s aid, and consider leaving this abusive relationship. You deserve a life filled with happiness and freedom without fear.

I'm in a hiking group that includes some older ladies. When we talk about travel or holidays several haven't done or seen half the things they'd love to because of a miserable controlling husband (I think for many it's why they joined a walking club, for a social day out once a month 😔). Life is/has passing these women by and it's so sad to see.

Don't be controlled OP, your children aren't babies so it's ok to do things for yourself and without asking for permission. Life really is too short.

Ive been in this position before . Having to ask for permission to see friends and family, make sure I didnt sound too happy when I came home etc and had to message him every 30 minutes . The relationship ended (it escalated to DV). , I met my now DH and it was so refreshing, was still in the habit of asking and was told to please not ask just go and enjoy myself and not to waste my evening messaging him . 15 years later and I just say right this weekend im going out and its okay no problem have a great time , hes lucky if I remember to text these days . Please leave , life is too short to live like this !

You don't have to continue to live like this. You can set a different example for your children.

Don’t “ask to go” have a discussion like two adults he can’t “allow” you to go, it’s more about will two weekends in a row cause a big strain on the family, is he working 5 14 hour shifts, do you have a child with additional support needs that means sleep isn’t possible etc? I regularly had weekends away when my kids were growing up but if I’d been away with work and I knew my partner would be tired etc I’d turn them down, everyone’s situation is different but two in a row for a family with no additional support needs or no one working night shift etc seems doable

Could your younger child have a sleepover at a friends house the night you’re away? I would arrange that and then just tell him they’re doing that and you’re going to be away. Let him sulk! Go and have fun with your friends as he sounds a nightmare

None of his behaviour is normal. You should be able to go away when you like as long as childcare is covered. Sorry 😔

This! I go away over night a lot (away right now) and there have been times I’ve been away two weekends in a row. I do then try to make some time for DH as he does miss me when I’m away. He would never ever say no to me going.

We only 'ask permission' to check if one of us is home to feed the cats or to check if the other person already got something booked. I'd never be 'not allowed' because he doesn't control me/ isn't my boss!!

Tbh I try to avoid two weekends away in a row just because I'd miss the DC and keeping up with life admin, but I go out and away regularly by myself with friends, more than DH does tbh.

@Lighterthansprite If you are worried about the younger one can you arrange a sleepover for them somewhere? So they don’t have to see so much of the sulking.

Basically the only way to change anything is to actually change something.
Your youngest will be adult in 6 years. Then what - just you and your “D”H until the end. Scary.

Enjoy your two weekends away.

I thought you were going to say your children are babies/toddlers!

My husband and I do currently check in with each other and tbh, I wouldn't be happy with him having back to back weekends away at the moment, but that's because our child is 16 months old, still doesn't sleep through the night and it's pretty hard work.

However, we both regularly have nights outs and I have my first weekend away with a friend soon - DH is excited to have sole charge of DS for a weekend.

Assuming there's no additional needs etc, your husband sounds very controlling.

Sorry, I voted YABU too for thinking it was too much and that you were worried about asking.
Should probably have voted the other way round as YABU to go.
was surprised so many had voted the same as me so wonder if people are making same mistake

I’d never check about being allowed. With a dc that’s not old enough to stay home alone, I’d check my DH didn’t have plans on that night and if not I’d tell him I was going.
in fact it’s first come, first served so if he hadn’t already told me he wasn’t going to be around on a particular night and I mentioned going out first, I’d be going!