To ask if you’d be allowed to do this?

[Lighterthansprite]

I rarely ever have a night away - just for context. The last one was about 2 years ago and I can’t remember the time before that. DH has never liked it much (he has had nights away, including several nights abroad with friends for stags / birthdays etc)

Unfortunately it has happened that I have an agreed night away coming up shortly, which has been planned for ages to see a concert, but another close friend has now asked me if I am able to go with her for a spa night the weekend before as the person she originally planned to go with can’t make it.

So I’d be away two weekends - one after the other. I haven’t even asked yet… I don’t know if it’s unreasonable to do so? Two children - nearly 18 and 12.

Would your DH / partner allow you to go?

One of your children is a literal adult, the other nearly a teen who can be left alone presumably for a few hours?

If a 12 and 18 year old can manage without you then a 50 year old (or whatever age H is) should be able to as well. If he has plans of his own send younger kid to a mate's house overnight? And 18 yo will do their own thing regardless?

Enjoy yourself! X

The thing is you are probably not going away enough. If you did he would get used to it. Or leave you, which might be better. I couldn’t live in a cage.

That's exactly how I read it so I voted YABU as you shouldn't need to ask for permission. Your husband is controlling and stopping you from enjoying your life which will only make you resentful. It's good manners to let everyone in your household know your plans but no way should you be seeking permission. Please go and enjoy yourself 💐

Wtf have I just read?! Do you mean 18 and 12 YEARS OLD?? You must do. They can't be 18 and 12 months. I don't understand the question. Are you locked up in a tower? Just put it on the calendar. You are an adult with agency. Its oh by the way I have a spa weekend coming up followed by a concert weekend. End of information. Does he grovel and build up the courage to "ask" before leaving you with an almost adult and a 12 yo? Of course not. At that age you and your OH could even gave a clash and it would be fine to leave them. Live your life, you only get one.

We obviously dont know your background - are you from a culture that expects man to be the "boss" of the house/ is there a significant age gap? Is he much wealthier than you are?

But really, in any case - its no way to live. Your children are young adults, you have to think of yourself now. I would encourage you to have a fresh look at your marriage and to decide if this is how you want to spend the reast of your life.

I’ve done all kinds since the kids were about 2. So has he. Of course I would do this.

At 18 and 12 they can quite easily look after themselves. Enjoy!

Please read this Women's Aid page on coercive control. Ring any bells?

https://womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/

Perhaps he’s worried that you’ll get up to mischief like he might do on his stag dos!

I would let my husband know I’d be away two weekends on the trot and check calendars to check that this didnt cause childcare problems. I would certainly not be asking for permission. My husband never asks for permission either if he is ever away.

My kids are younger and I have 3, but this wouldn’t be an issue for us. I’d have a ‘I know I’m away two weekends in a row, appreciate that’s not ideal’ and he’d say ‘of course, it’s no problem, you go and enjoy yourself.’ I’d probably cook his favourite dinner the week in between just as a little gesture.

My DH encourages me to see friends, spend time away, take trips etc. I am happy for him to do the same, but we are always mindful of the impact on the other partner and family.

Your husband is a controlling bully.
Also, he's a terrible father - he'd happily upset your child if you dare disobey him

Why the hell are you with him? Why have you put up with this? Now you know, if you didn't know before, what will you do?

Are your kids boys or girls?

OP it doesnt sound like you are in a good relationship at all. Its time to start rocking the boat, say things you generally avoid and gauge the reactions so you have the information you need to decide how your future is going to look.

Don't let anxiety or fear stop you telling him what happening, take a deep breath and go tell him you are going both weekends.

If you have always just accepted it quietly when he tells you you can't go somewhere then it's time to not accept it, you tell him you're going because you want to, end of, if he sulks tell him he's being a child and no one cares and he can go sulk somewhere else.

It will either start a path to a marriage where he accepts this new you or it starts off the path to your divorce. Good luck.

You haven't asked? Whaaat? Why is it up to your DH??

I'm in tears OP because you are me if I had never kicked him out. Children were 3&2 at the time and he had been away for a few nights a couple of weeks in a row as well as lunches/dinners out that he would brag about to me when I was on a shoestring trying to feed the kids while I was going hungry. I begged, and I mean begged while crying, just for one night to stay at my parent's house just so I could sleep and he laughed in my face. The lights came on then.

You do not need to ask him for permission. Just tell him you're going.

Allow you to go??
I mean I get telling them you have been asked and talking about it, but it’s really not his place to “allow you”
I would say at nearly 18 and 12 your kids should be almost self sufficient really they just need someone in the house to make sure it doesn’t burn down!
tell him you want to go, speak to the kids and if needs be ask a trusted relative/friend to keep an eye/ check in with the kids
go and enjoy yourself!

I think you need to have a serious conversation with your husband. This is not a healthy relationship.

It's really sad that you think this, because it shouldn't be. You need to talk to an organization like Women's Aid, because you are being controlled by a bully. You need to think about how you want to spend the rest of your life.

Your use of the word “allowed” is troubling.

I have 3 kids and a dog and would need to check with my partner purely to ensure he wasn’t planning something that day or weekend and to ensure that the logistics worked. But in principle, of course he would be fine.

If they were 1 and 3, it would be unreasonable. At these ages, it is absolutely fine. It would only be unreasonable if you were away overnight every weekend. A few overnights a year whilst your partner stays home is no biggie, and should be encouraged for both of you so you get a break and the chance to hang out with you friends.

18 isn't even a child so not a factor really. And a 12 year old can entertain themselves if he really CBA for the sake of one weekend!

Allowed? You realise if you're in a healthy relationship you don't have to ask permission to do things? Fair enough discus it as you have a child that's too young to be left alone but asking permission is crazy.

My partner would actively encourage me to go to both and our children are 1 and 2!

How can you live like this OP?

It wouldn’t be a case of allowed and I think there are other issues at play here other than the night away from reading your replies. I hope you can get some support on this.

Given you asked, I would discuss with DH, he wouldn’t stop me but I might feel two weekends running gives him little time to relax. Usually we each have one lie in on the weekend (til 8!) and he works compressed hours to have younger DS on a Friday.

My husband doesn’t get to tell me where I can and cannot go. I’m not 5.

We’d discuss it and I’d let him know I was going and he’d say ‘enjoy’. If I was going on continuing weekends away (or he was) that may prompt further discussion.