AIBU to reconsider France wedding trip after finding children excluded?

[Tribeof4]

Bit of background… My brother got married around 18 months ago in a small ceremony in the UK. It was always the intention for them to have a wedding celebration later down the line.

4 months ago, my brother announced the second wedding would take place in France next month. Verbal invite only so no written info. We weighed it up and agreed to take the children (8/10) out of school as we felt it was an exceptional circumstance. I work in education so I am also having to take leave in exceptional circumstances, which I’m very fortunate my school have supported.

We have just received details in writing in which it has become clear children are not welcome at the meal (4 hours). Children are required to be looked after by babysitters at our expense. They have their own younger children who are less ready to sit at a table for extended periods than our own.

We choose not to send our children to kids clubs and only do things with them if they can be included. AIBU to say, in light of the arrangements, we choose not to bring them (DH would stay at home with them as the rest of the family are at the wedding)? I feel I can’t justify taking them out of school for a couple of hours worth of ceremony/drinks.

To use the old MN adage, it's an invite, not a summons.

They're free to have their celebration however they'd like to and you're free to decline.

Would your kids not find a 4 hour meal difficult to sit through. Personally Id have welcomed the break from my kids but then Im probably a bad Mother.

I'd decline the invite or if there are a few events I'd go with DC and only me go to the fancy dinner, DH look after children.

I think your arrangement is good. If the children aren't wanted at the wedding celebrations, why miss school and pay the associated fines?

My kids were invited to a similar French wedding (by our former au pair) when they were a similar age. They did enjoy it, as did we, but the meal was late and younger one crashed out half way through. In OPs shoes I’d probably not go, or just go alone to support mum leaving DH and kids at home. Why a second wedding?

Where are you meant to get a babysitter from? I’d defo leave them at home with Dad and go by yourself.

It's not worth dragging the kids out of school and over to France for the set up outlined. I agree - go alone and leave the rest of the family at home.

I wouldn’t bring my children to a 4 hour meal anyway so I think you’ve dodged a bullet here. Presuming the wife is French? So personally I’d either go alone and leave the kids with your husband or just say no thank you.

What else is happening there? Like are you off to a beach or fun place one day or just flying for the wedding? Then going home? If so then I’d not bother going as what a waste of time and money just for a meal and they’re already married for over a year! I was imagining it to be a holiday and I’d think ok fine kids can go to the babysitter (assuming on site only) for a few hours. But not if it’s a one day affair

You either go without the children alone or and hopefully you haven’t said yet you say you can’t get time off as it’s in term time, or you leave them with your DH when the meal is on. Depends on how diplomatic you want to be,

Did you go to the actual small wedding? I understand the expense means people may have a tiny ceremony and sit down dinner and a big evening do on the day but it’s not the wedding day at all is it.

Mine would do a 2hr lunch, but I think 4hrs would be pushing it. Unless the wedding has been set up to include children (things to do, very child friendly etc.), I prefer not to bring children to weddings as they’re a bit boring for them and I enjoy the time spent catching up with people and letting my hair down a bit.

As you’ve decided to not let your children do any clubs on their own or have time away from you, it might be difficult for them, so I would just go on your own.

Were you planning to just go for wedding and come back, or would it be a bit of a holiday? If it was me, and a big event like my brothers wedding, I would either turn it into a holiday or if there wasn’t enough time, my in laws would probably be able to look after the children for the two days I was there if it was event only.

I’m surprised your work place consider attending a party an exceptional circumstance to be honest.

Are you just going for the party, or do you have other plans in france? If you have other plans you could attend the meal and your partner and children could do something else. If you’re just travelling for a one day party I personally wouldn’t bother.

I don't see how it is a wedding or anything exceptional, just a party in France and a massive faff. I wouldn't be going. Particularly with this new information.

He's already married. its a party.

How did you get to the point of pleading exceptional circs at work without knowing whether your kids were invited? Have you booked travel and accommodation too?

Sod having to take leave (and increasing the risk of attendance fines in the future) and the cost of travel to then have to pay for a babysitter on top because the children aren't fully included (especially when younger cousins are present)

I'd be declining.

Same. Too much expense and expectation from them for a meal and drinks abroad. No thanks!

Expecting anyone to travel abroad for a party is incredibly entitled, just decline, it's not a wedding.

I think you must have over stated the situation to your school if you got exceptional leave. Just inform the HT that you were mistaken about the invitation, thank them for the exceptional leave, but you won't need it now. Don't go.

I would decline or possibly go alone, I certainly wouldn’t be taking the children to be babysat by someone unknown to me.

Why don’t you go to France alone and leave DC alone with the DH at home?

Yes, it seems a bit misjudged.

Well it's up to you. But provided that good childcare is arranged for you or easy to arrange, then personally I'd still be happy to go. Presumably it will still be a nice family weekend, even if the kids are elsewhere for 4 hours. At 8 and 10 they should be fine with that.

It’s not a wedding, it’s a party. In term time.

No, I wouldn’t attend.

I'd also definitely strongly consider going without DH and kids. In fact that's probably what I would have done in the first place rather than taking them out of school. But I think all choices are OK.