AIBU to reconsider France wedding trip after finding children excluded?

[Tribeof4]

Bit of background… My brother got married around 18 months ago in a small ceremony in the UK. It was always the intention for them to have a wedding celebration later down the line.

4 months ago, my brother announced the second wedding would take place in France next month. Verbal invite only so no written info. We weighed it up and agreed to take the children (8/10) out of school as we felt it was an exceptional circumstance. I work in education so I am also having to take leave in exceptional circumstances, which I’m very fortunate my school have supported.

We have just received details in writing in which it has become clear children are not welcome at the meal (4 hours). Children are required to be looked after by babysitters at our expense. They have their own younger children who are less ready to sit at a table for extended periods than our own.

We choose not to send our children to kids clubs and only do things with them if they can be included. AIBU to say, in light of the arrangements, we choose not to bring them (DH would stay at home with them as the rest of the family are at the wedding)? I feel I can’t justify taking them out of school for a couple of hours worth of ceremony/drinks.

Of course you would not be unreasonable to leave your DH at home with the kids, but actually I wouldn't be going at all.

You're a teacher, it's term time, and this is not an 'exceptional circumstance' - it's just a party.

Your brother got married 18 months ago, chose to wait til now to celebrate it (why?) with a party in France (why there?!). He gave you 5 months notice of it, but only a month's notice of the important details.

Most party/wedding organisers would organise babysitting of attending children if they didn't want them at the whole event. How are you supposed to find a local sitter?!
And I completely understand that you're not comfortable leaving your children with a random sitter.

You went to his wedding, you don't have to travel to France for a party 18 months later.

I would politely decline, OP.

It sounds as though it's going to be boring for your children whether or not they go to the event, so I would plan to leave them at home if you want to go.

He has had the wedding, and I think this is a party that he is happy for you to take or leave. You shouldn't be offended that he hasn't accommodated your children, and he shouldn't be offended if you can't attend.

I wouldn’t attend
i did with a similar situation at my cousin’s wedding and didn’t enjoy it, I was just angry and resentful (still am now a bit to be honest)

I tried to organise something like that once, and the agency I spoke to absolutely refused to supply any individual to that role, they said they would only be able to help if there would be one nanny per sibling-group.

Tbh, it’s [only] a second wedding. I’d not bother going given the lack of thought given to guest needs. I appreciate it’s supposed to be about the couple, but a couple that does not think about the costs, inconvenience, childcare, or impact on work/leave etc of their guests - and closest family members especially - really is worth my time. I also think when this sort of thing happens that it’s a passive aggressive way of their signalling that they hoped/expected you to decline anyway.

I’d wish them well and decline.

I'd decline the whole thing for all of you anyway.

They're already married. This is a party ... during term time ... that will cost you a considerable amount of money. I'd save that money for something you want to do as an actual family when you can travel without having to take leave from work/schools.

You lost me at 4 hour meal . I don't think I would be able to behave myself for that long 😂.
Thanks but no thanks .

Since it isn’t actually their wedding but essentially a celebratory meal ( btw does your work know this salient fact or have you fudged it as “their wedding”) I think taking time out of work and schools is pointless anyway. It isn’t as though there aren’t fabulous destination restaurants to go to in the UK for a special celebration. Personally I would boost up the restaurant budget by not wasting money on travel and hotels. I would remind them that Quat’ Saisons is re opening next year after a refit, well worth the wait.

Have you tried speaking to your brother? I wouldn’t leave my children with an unknown babysitter, but we’d probably all go to France and the kids stay with the other parent during the meal. It’s fantastic that the school you work for have been so supportive. I consider a family wedding an exceptional circumstance too. I would also have assumed the kids were invited.

Why go to all this stress and expense for something that is literally only a party? And one where your kids are excluded for a big part of it.

Why do people who are already married do this? Instagram? Another set of presents or, even worse, more cash? I find all quite tacky, to be frank.

YWNBU to say thanks, but no thanks.

It’s not a Wedding as they’re already married!

It’s a poorly disguised excuse for grifting for more gifts and cash.

Why bother going? I wouldn’t in those circumstances even if the kids were invited, and use school as your easy get out excuse.

We don't use kids clubs on holiday and I wouldn't be leaving my kids with random babysitters I didn't know, so I think your option of you going alone and DH staying home with the kids is sensible in the circumstances. Given their ages I'd expect them of being capable of sitting for a long meal, I'm really close to my brother so would probably have that conversation with him and see if they could be included, but I appreciate there are families where that conversation would make things awkward, if that's the case just go without them.

It seems they are basically all but barred from attending. They really don't want kids there.

So yeah, keep them in school, and you go to the wedding. If you want to. It's not worth pulling them out of class for a wedding they're not really actually participating in.

I remember my cousin got married in France. I thought it was a bit weird that they said no children (so I didn't go, I was about 12?) but the bride had three brothers and one was younger than me. The other two were teens. I always wondered if they were allowed at their own sister's wedding?!

@KrazyKatty Don’t be do ridiculous. It’s a party! You often split the party away from the wedding ceremony and no need for gifts at all!!!

As it’s abroad and time out I’d school required I would also leave them home with DH.

I wouldn’t be paying for 4 people to travel abroad to them pay for half of them to be babysat.

If it was the UK I’d have sorted sitters and attended with my DH.

But I agree that children that age can manage a sit down meal that long. My da did it loads at that age as at one point being from a large family we were attending 1-2 weddings a year!

I think most people are happy to leave their children for a day out with someone they know. They are just not happy to do it with someone they haven’t met or any idea of their child caring abilities. The carer might not even speak English well.
Most people wouldn’t take time out from the children’s education. It is not just one day.

It’s not a wedding!
that has already taken place!
it’s a party!
it’s a party invitation that requires a sitter for children in France

It's not even the wedding. Just tell them you hope they have a fab time.

I'd not sit through a 4 hour lunch either ..

What's with these 'second weddings' that seem to be happening more often? Is it a new trend? Especially as a lot of them seem to be abroad.

are they french at all and doing it for extended family-its just a party really isnt it theyre already married

I have been to a few child free second celebrations. In all cases loads of people pulled out at the last minute, usually for childcare related issues and the parties were quieter and flatter than the bridal couple expected.

I wouldn't go. To be honest, I would find a four hour sit down lunch boring anyway.

Save your money and annual leave and don’t go. Your children are either invited to all of it or they’re not. They’re not props but people in their own right.

I have awful memories of one of these meals at a wedding in France, at least the bride was French though lived in the U.K., but there was dancing between courses, there was no real veggie option and it ended, finally, at about 2 in the morning. I could barely keep my eyes open never mind eat the profiterole extravaganza. Tiresome.