AIBU to reconsider France wedding trip after finding children excluded?

[Tribeof4]

Bit of background… My brother got married around 18 months ago in a small ceremony in the UK. It was always the intention for them to have a wedding celebration later down the line.

4 months ago, my brother announced the second wedding would take place in France next month. Verbal invite only so no written info. We weighed it up and agreed to take the children (8/10) out of school as we felt it was an exceptional circumstance. I work in education so I am also having to take leave in exceptional circumstances, which I’m very fortunate my school have supported.

We have just received details in writing in which it has become clear children are not welcome at the meal (4 hours). Children are required to be looked after by babysitters at our expense. They have their own younger children who are less ready to sit at a table for extended periods than our own.

We choose not to send our children to kids clubs and only do things with them if they can be included. AIBU to say, in light of the arrangements, we choose not to bring them (DH would stay at home with them as the rest of the family are at the wedding)? I feel I can’t justify taking them out of school for a couple of hours worth of ceremony/drinks.

A party isn't an exceptional circumstance.

I think I would volunteer to miss the 4 hour meal and look after my own children, sounds to be a real bum-ache, I used to think Mess dinners were too long at about 2.5 hours.

The following day stuff rings a bell, it was a long time ago. The whole thing was discombobulating and tiring. Why are the meals so long?

You're a teacher, it's term time, and this is not an 'exceptional circumstance' - it's just a party.

I wondered that too, has she maybe said it's for the wedding and not just a knees-up months after the event?

So your brother has organised his wedding

in term time, when you are a teacher and have school age kids

in a different country

and then said your kids aren’t welcome for the middle 4 hours of the wedding

It doesn’t seem like he’s that bothered about whether you can go, does it?? In your shoes I wouldn’t go and would save my exceptional leave goodwill for something else.

I hope you were invited to the small wedding.

YABU for this bit: We choose not to send our children to kids clubs and only do things with them if they can be included.

This seems extreme and limiting to me, especially at the age your children are.

People seem to be assuming this is taking place at least part over a weekend. If it's like Thurs/Friday and you can stay for the weekend and the kids are just not coming to the meal, I'd absolutely still go and enjoy and do the babysitting. You've booked the time off.

If it's midweek, it sounds like a total faff anyway, especially with kids in tow, unless there is time for them apart from the meal to enjoy the area. If there isn't - i.e. you'd be bringing them there SOLELY to leave them with a babysitter - I'd go alone or just say there's now an issue with time off school.

I'd be delighted, perfect excuse not to go ... I find most weddings tend to be hard work for guests.

It is almost as though he has arranged this wedding to mean that you have to decline!

You poor thing! I love weddings and always come away having had a lovely time

Second weddings are so silly, especially when the second wedding to share the experience with all friends and family except if they can’t travel or have children. It’s like couples are going out of their way to make attending difficult and expensive…. which might just be understandable if it was the real thing.

Many of us have had enough of this nonsense. Taylor Swift expectations on a Joe Swash budget. If you were there for the actual wedding you don’t need to be there for the pantomime second act, nobody does really.

I’ve stopped bothering attending OTT or second weddings (always RSVPing well in advance) because in my experience they are always for the couples that break-up before I’ve even paid off the credit card debt I accrued attending.

Married 18months ago.

Were you at that one?

Second wedding-err really or just a party?

I must also be a bad mother because I would have loved that when mine were younger

I work in a school, teachers do get time off for family weddings and the OP may not even be a teacher.

Same!

Go on your own or decline.

What assholes...

At least you know where you stand in terms of their values vs yours....

Sounds a bit mad to me. It’s term time and presumably you were at the official wedding? Does the wife have family in France or something? Say you can’t make it. Wish them well, have them round for a meal after to see the photos.

It's not a wedding... They're already married.
I would not take the kids at all, if husband was happy to stay home with them. Why should they miss school for that?
Even if you chose not go alone, that's acceptable. You said yes when you thought it was a family event.

I think your brother and his wife are being very unreasonable, and that they could be a lot more proactive about managing the impact of having children at the meal.

I've spent quite a lot of time with (French) friends in France, and they are generally very child-friendly. Children (in my experience) have generally been included in big family dos and aren't expected to sit still for the duration of a very slow multi-course meal. When there was a wedding the bride & groom hired a babysitter to look after all the children (at the venue, so I could still have access to my daughter if she needed me, but in practice she was perfectly happy).

So, I agree, it doesn't seem reasonable, or sensible, to take them out of school for this.

@diddl It’s a celebration party! They want a get together and it’s optional for invited guests. So saying no is ok. Parties are not dc friendly events really and dc would be fine with a babysitter. However modern parents are a bit odd! I used all sorts of babysitters I didn’t know at holiday clubs and hotels etc.

Don't go, children should be in school, and not being able to take part fully is another reason.

I'd say the same if they had told you upfront.

Something tells me that the brother /his wife/someone involved may have found the post...? Or at least someone who doesn't have kids?

From their point of view they don't want children at the meal and have provided a solution. If you don't want to let a baby sitter look after your children or have someone look after them when you are both away (if possible) then you going seems to be the solution. Personally for my brother we'd probably all go - it's their official wedding reception even if it's not on the day of the wedding - but you have your own good reasons not to take them

Is that ceremony done in france because his partner is French?
because I would see my French side of the family doing that.

Otherwise, it’s your choice really.
i personally feel that at 8 and 10yo, it’s a bit too much. They certainly don’t need to be with you at all time.
But if it’s that much of a problem then don’t go

I wouldn't assume the wife is French. A French person would be much less likely to impose rules about children being present. But let's see if OP comes back.

With that said, I agree with you that OP will be dodging a bullet. This isn't "a wedding". It's a piss-up celebration event at some arbitrary time point after the wedding. To me, "exceptional circumstances" is a very close relative's funeral, not a multi-day trip to a jolly that they won't even enjoy very much.