AIBU to reconsider France wedding trip after finding children excluded?

[Tribeof4]

Bit of background… My brother got married around 18 months ago in a small ceremony in the UK. It was always the intention for them to have a wedding celebration later down the line.

4 months ago, my brother announced the second wedding would take place in France next month. Verbal invite only so no written info. We weighed it up and agreed to take the children (8/10) out of school as we felt it was an exceptional circumstance. I work in education so I am also having to take leave in exceptional circumstances, which I’m very fortunate my school have supported.

We have just received details in writing in which it has become clear children are not welcome at the meal (4 hours). Children are required to be looked after by babysitters at our expense. They have their own younger children who are less ready to sit at a table for extended periods than our own.

We choose not to send our children to kids clubs and only do things with them if they can be included. AIBU to say, in light of the arrangements, we choose not to bring them (DH would stay at home with them as the rest of the family are at the wedding)? I feel I can’t justify taking them out of school for a couple of hours worth of ceremony/drinks.

Nah. Decline. They are already married. This is just a very expensive fancy dinner.

We decline all "child-free" wedding invitations on principle and our DCs left home years ago!

You attended the "real" wedding. This is just a "jolly". I'd stay at home and save the money and the leave.

YANBU. An invitation to a childfree wedding abroad is not a real invitation.

I agree with this - what on earth is the point in hosting a second party a whole 18 months after the fact. The moment has well and truly gone. They are already married. There is nothing to celebrate - this is just them trying to force people to go on a holiday they might not have chosen and not bring their children. I wouldn’t be leaving DC with a random French babysitter either.

It’s because in a lot of countries you either can’t get legally married, or have to jump through a lot of legal hoops and fill out a lot of paperwork to do so. It’s “easier” to get married in the UK and then have a pretend wedding abroad.

I disagree with destination weddings in general unless one of the couple is from that country but went to my cousin’s in Croatia this year. An entirely random destination choice but it was at least a legal wedding rather than just a party.

What? Have the reception a year and a half after the ceremony? And in a different country?

How often have you experienced that kind of split of party from wedding?

Agree with this. If people want you to attend, they will organise something you can attend. If they aren’t bothered about you coming, they won’t.

My DH wanted his American cousins at our wedding. Did we invite them and not their 4yo and 6m old and suggest they leave their children at home or with a random English babysitter they didn’t know? Or did we invite the whole family to attend?

I’d have trouble sitting through a four hour meal to be honest! However, if children were not included the whole event I’d be declining the invitation.

If she’s French, I am presuming it’s the religious ceremony and will be the most important part of their marriage for her. It is very normal to split the two, more usual to have the 2 together, often on the same day. You traipse from the Town Hall to Church. In France, the church or any other religious establishment, cannot perform legal wedding ceremonies.

If this is the case, I am guessing that she wanted this part in her home country and had to save up for it, hence the delay. And in this case, it is not as everyone is saying a party. It’s what most French people consider the actual wedding.

I have been to several weddings in France. The church service, especially if the full catholic one, goes on for hours and includes communion for anyone wishing to take part. Then you go up and greet the couple in a line inside church. Be warned. Your kids will be bored by that alone.

As for the meal, I really cannot remember kids being split from their parents for this, so I don’t think that’s terribly normal. But maybe it is these days, the child free stuff has only surfaced in more recent years in the UK.

I think going alone seems the way to go tbh.

Is your SIL french? It is not unusual at French weddings that children don't sit down with adults for the wedding dinner. It's boring as a hell for them, they're much better playing around. It's also super expensive (if the kids eat with adults then they pay the same price) and posh food most kids won't like (how do your kids feel about pigeon?).

For our wedding, we organised a kids dinner in a different location about an hour before the adults one, and we had a couple of babysitters for about 15 kids ranging 1 to 12 year old (our guests were welcome to get their own babysitter if they wanted, but none felt it was necessary). Over 15 were invited to the adults dinner. And of course babies and toddlers were often in the room.

But we also had a play room, and loads of entertainment for kids. Will your brother provide this? I would also question the babysitter thing, it would be normal to contribute to the cost but they need to sort it out themselves as it's difficult from abroad (particularly if you're looking for English speaking babysitters).
I don't think you need one for an 8 and 12 yo though, surely they can sort themselves out?
It's not like they forbidden to enter the room, they can come and see you whenever like if they need something.

Yup that’s a French wedding. And you often go back the next day at lunchtime for a more basic meal and have to do the washing up for that one.

If it was a wedding I would be "go, the children will all have fun together, and you will have opportunities yo see them for the other days away.

But its a party,it sounds complicated and expensive. I would be rethinking, are uou for long with other stuff planned? Etc...

It's not a wedding, it's a destination party. They've been married a year and a half. 🙄

Your kids aren't wanted at the dinner so no, why would you go to a destination party and take them out of school to do it?

Go yourself if you want but a destination party in another country doesn't really fit extraordinary circumstances.

I thought in France children were welcome at most events. I wouldn't go, too much upheaval, taking leave, taking children out of school, baby sitters, travel and cost. Just say sorry too difficult in term time, we'll go for a meal to celebrate when we see you next.

What are your family's connections with France? Your brother's in particular?

Because my experience in the French part of my family is that these long meals are always full of family children, who are looked after by various members of the extended family, as they move between us, or sit in their own seats. It's a particularly nice aspect of French bourgeois family life, IMO. Children are part of formal occasions, and know how to sit up to the table & behave.

So banning DC from the meal is really not very French!

Dear lord what an overbearing old bat, she's the sort that makes me glad I never had a MIL.

Your DH is free to decline the invitation for any reason he chooses and it's refreshing to hear on MN that here's a DH not giving in to mummy because she's a selfish drama queen. He is putting family first, his family!

Your update about being equal NoK speaks volumes. I bet the other partners are very relieved that they don't have to go!!

Is part of the family french? At my uncle and my brothers wedding (sil and aunty both french) they had a nanny come and take the children at 6pm onwards, the meal went on til 11pm. Theres no way the children would of say through it all.

French occasion meals are always a lifetime, christmas eve is a full day thing, christmas dinner stretches from about 10am til gone midnight with various courses, drinks etc.

The set up sounds fairly standard for a french wedding but entirely reasonable to not attend if it doesn’t suit your needs

NRTFT OP but is the bride French?

In France a wedding can go on for days, it's not unusual for it to be a three day thing and the meal will be late, lots of standing around so factor that in if you are still wanting to take the DC.
Usually there is a nanny or two to take care of the children during the meal/before/after.

So they’re welcome for the whole lovely trip, holiday with family and cousins, and it’s just one boring long meal they’ll be missing and instead watching movies with a fun babysitter and having chips?

YABU. You can manage 4 little hours away from your kids in the context of a family trip.

If you miss it over this your brother would rightly be very hurt.

I went to a French wedding whilst pregnant and with a one year old. It wasn’t too bad as there is entertainment and such like between each course and kids were free to run around. I wouldn’t have gone without my child but I probably would’ve accepted babysitting at some points 😂 I wouldn’t take kids out of school for it though.

I often find myself in the minority on these threads. I would move heaven and earth to attend something like this for my siblings and make it work in line with the way they wanted their day.

Equally I attended all my friends’ weddings (including abroad, including kids free abroad where we travelled with grandparents to bring breastfeeding 6 month old to and from the venue so i could feed him!) and don’t regret time time, money or hassle from any of them. Many of them have been the best days of my life making memories with lifelong friends. My siblings’ weddings were amazing. One day my parents will be gone and I’m so glad we have had these times all of us together!

Not really “exceptional circumstances” is it to attend someone’s second wedding

I'd be questioning how much they actually want you there. You work in education but they booked a term time wedding and are now saying that although their children who are younger will be at the meal, you need to pay a babysitter as your children aren't welcome.

I’d leave DH and the kids at home and go alone (or just not go). DH’s Sister is getting married in Spain next month, she lives there. We’re all invited but the day doesn’t even start until 5pm, dinner at 8pm and on until the small hours. It’s not worth the cost of flights and accommodation for me to deal with a grumpy tired toddler throughout (and be stuck at a remote venue far from where we’d be staying) so I’m just not going at all.

He's already had one wedding.I wouldn't go to the second one especially if it was abroad.