AIBU to reconsider France wedding trip after finding children excluded?

[Tribeof4]

Bit of background… My brother got married around 18 months ago in a small ceremony in the UK. It was always the intention for them to have a wedding celebration later down the line.

4 months ago, my brother announced the second wedding would take place in France next month. Verbal invite only so no written info. We weighed it up and agreed to take the children (8/10) out of school as we felt it was an exceptional circumstance. I work in education so I am also having to take leave in exceptional circumstances, which I’m very fortunate my school have supported.

We have just received details in writing in which it has become clear children are not welcome at the meal (4 hours). Children are required to be looked after by babysitters at our expense. They have their own younger children who are less ready to sit at a table for extended periods than our own.

We choose not to send our children to kids clubs and only do things with them if they can be included. AIBU to say, in light of the arrangements, we choose not to bring them (DH would stay at home with them as the rest of the family are at the wedding)? I feel I can’t justify taking them out of school for a couple of hours worth of ceremony/drinks.

Oops sorry just re-read your post and you are proposing that you go and leave kids with DH. If that's your instinct now then I would definitely go with that plan.

He's already married. No way would I take leave in exceptional circumstances (it isn't) to attend a party months after the actual wedding. Go to work and keep your kids in school

I would all go as planned. 10 and 8 year old will enjoy the experience of a French babysitter. Nip out to check on them. Treat it like a wedding.

Or I would decline and all stay home because you already attended the actual wedding last year.

I wouldn't go at all. Apart from anything else your brother arranged it for a time when he knows it would be difficult for you to attend presumably he knows you work in education and that your children are in school. It sounds as though he isn't that concerned about you attending.
Just say sorry but it won't be possible for you to attend..

It’s just a self indulgent party abroad almost two years later.

I’ve got no issue with children not being invited to things, but to invite them abroad but not to all of it and then expect you to then pay for childcare is taking the piss. Just go yourself, it’s not worth them missing school or the hassle.

It's not ready exceptional circumstances as it's not the wedding, rather, a belated party to celebrate the wedding. Is your leave paid or unpaid? Because pay is often term time only, but paid over 12 months, losing a whole day (or more) from your monthly pay will seem high. Personally, I would decline the invitation.

I also think OP should go alone. My friend has just been to France for her dad’s 70th birthday party. Her DH stayed home with the kids.

no I definitely wouldn’t take the children out of school in the circumstances you describe and I’m very relaxed I’m taking mine out for a football match in October. Your children aren’t small babies so I’d be annoyed that they aren’t invited to the meal. I wouldn’t have them missing school to attend an event where they aren’t particularly welcome.

If they could have fun with the babysitter then I’d do that, if they’d struggle then I wouldn’t bother. 4 hour meal sounds miserable for adults nether mind kids

They are invited, but the brother didn't tell OP that they are only invited to be looked after by a baby sitter. She only knows that now they have been given the full details

It all sounds a bit mad. As people have said, it's not a wedding, it's a big party. I'd be quite pissed off that they've planned this for a school day when they've just had the whole of the summer holidays which would have been much more convenient. Absolutely either go on your own or don't go at all.

Is the meal the only thing, or just a part?

Exactly. The wedding bit is over.
you’re taking them out of school for a party? I wouldn’t have done that in the first place. Also I don’t know a single person who uses babysitters abroad, people who are strangers to your kids and yourself. I think that’s extremely irresponsible too. My dc age 10 would not be happy to be left with a stranger and neither would I!

I agree.

It will be cheaper and far less hassle too.

I would use this as an excuse not to go. It wouldn’t be my cup of tea at all. Second wedding? No, thanks, one is enough for guests. A 4 hour meal? Intolerable.

YANBU to now decline. You shouldn't have planned to take children in KS2 out of school for it in the first place - I'm surprised that someone who works in education would do this. Will you still go without the rest of your family?

Yanbu at all. That sounds perfectly sensible for them to stay in school if they aren't invited for the whole thing.

Second wedding, so a fancy party not a wedding.
I am constantly dismayed by the whole current wedding entitlement. There are so many threads on MN about it. I think people need to understand that it is the marriage that is important, not the wedding. Just don’t go.

In my family, when there were lots of cousins (some of whom wouldn't have sat through a whole formal meal), we'd have arranged a room in the hotel where they could all hang out together and watched a movie and had room service, and got one babysitter to look after all of them. The kids would have loved it and relished the time together, and the rest of the holiday. Could something like that be organised?

But yes I wouldn't take them out of school anyway.

@Yetone Well we all have different views! You know you can do both don’t you! Marriage is not lessened by a party a bit later! You just sound miserable and people can prioritise both.

People who refuse to be separated from dc are a pain. Just don’t accept the invitation then. No doubt couple do have a babysitter and dc aren’t at a 4 hour meal. That’s the bizarre thing. A 4 hour meal.

You work in education and your brother organised a term time party abroad and expects you to attend?

On top of that he expects you to leave your children with strangers during the party?

Pretty inconsiderate all round.

They are married, I’d be politely declining.

I think this arrangement is totally fine. We’ve been invited to childfree weddings abroad where only one of us could attend because who is going to look after the children if we’re in another country for 4 days? Not everyone has that level of support. They were dh’s friends so he went on his own.

We’ve also been to a UK wedding where the couple made an exception for our children to attend the meal because we were the only ones not travelling with a nanny. 🙄 After the drinks reception when the sit down meal began, all the children with their accompanying nannies were escorted to a separate building and that’s where they stayed eating beige food and colouring in and watching films the rest of the evening. When it became clear that we had no nanny 🤣 space was made for all of us. That was just down the road though. No way I’d go to France and no way I’d leave my kids with some random I didn’t know who didn’t even speak English as their primary language. No thanks, they’d stay home and we’d save some money.

They either want you all there or they don’t. It can be half in, half out.

Good points! Give it a swerve.

I think your idea of your DH staying home with the kids is the best idea (with the least faff).

Nothing wrong with childfree weddings, after all it's down to what the bride and groom want on their day, but then the B and G can't get upset or surprised if people can't then attend.