AIBU to let my nephew stay with us in holidays?

[CollectingSeashells]

My sister has 2 sons who are 26 and 20. My older nephew lives with his girlfriend and my younger nephew has been at uni for 2 years. He lives away from home in term time, but goes home in the holidays.

My sister has been in a relationship with a man for 5 years and they started living together last November. My nephew has been home a few times since he has lived there for Christmas and weekends.

My nephew has decided he doesn’t want to live with her partner when he comes home and spoke to my sister over the phone about it just before he was due to come home for summer. My sister told him that her partner would be staying and she had waited a long time for him to move in. She reassured my nephew that he was always welcome with them but he decided not to go home for summer and has stayed alone in the house he shares with university friends.

My nephew is currently visiting us for my son’s birthday and has asked if we would allow him to live with us when he wants to come “home” for the holidays. Obviously this puts us in an awkward situation. I’ve told my sister that he has asked and she dismissed it as something that can’t happen, but we have told her that we are willing to let him stay with us if she can’t sort things out with him. She has rowed with us over it and sees us as unreasonable for considering it.

Are we being unreasonable? I can see my sisters side of things but I’m worried about my nephew. We have encouraged him to talk to his mum again and would prefer him to live with her, but if he won’t, we feel obliged to offer him somewhere to call home. My sister refuses to see our side of things and thinks he is just sulking at not getting his own way. I’ve asked my nephew why he doesn’t want to live with my sisters partner and he says that he feels uncomfortable because he doesn’t know him and feels like an outsider there.

I don’t understand what exactly she thinks you’re doing wrong? Facilitating his not going home? But he wasn’t going home anyway because he was staying at uni. Plus he is an adult.

If he's 20 he gets to decide where to stay. It's not up to your sister to tell him he can't stay with you.

He is unlikely to go home just because you won’t have him.

my dc in similar circumstances did not want to go “home” to their dad and his new wife.

my dc largely stayed at their uni house.

He's an adult, so it's between you and him. However I'd suggest to your sister that she takes her son out for food, days out etc because he does have to get to know her DP. Or have them over for tea. Come Christmas, you are possibly all going to be mixing. You also need house rules. If he's adult enough to make decisions on were he lives, he can do his own cooking/cleaning/washing. Are you going to be buying his food etc? It's got to be all said, upfront.

She says that if we allow him to stay with us then he will never go home and we will be part of making their relationship worse. She sees us being involved as interfering.

Your sister is being awful to her son. Hes made his position and he's an adult. I would absolutely in this situation be siding with nephew and letting him stay. Awful that a lot of women put men before their children.

Your sister should be trying to talk to her son to find out what the problem is and be happy he can come to yours and focus on trying to work through the issues and be a supportive mother. She's the one facilitating the worsening relationship with her son.

Please support your nephew so he knows he's someone in his corner. The fact he has went home previously and now doesn't with this man there would raise red flags.

He's an adult. It's not really anything to do with her.

If she cares so much then she'd move her partner out.

You sound like a lovely auntie.

I think he needs your support - but to see his mum is a grown woman who is allowed a partner. Some counselling perhaps to work through his feelings.
His mum has given him so much but now he's giving up on her.
Or if you let him stay apply the same rules his mum and partner have

How is she being awful? Her sons are adults who live away and she has a partner. That’s allowed! What is she supposed to do, put her partner out in the summer holidays?

I don't think you are unreasonable for letting him stay with you but I think it might be beneficial trying to encourage him to keep a friendly communication with his mum and for you to as well, despite the disagreement. Not saying the new partner is awful or abusive, but there must be something amiss for a 20 year old not to want to go home from uni because of a parent's new partner. It's normal for people with abusive traits to separate partners from their family and it's interesting it took her so long to get him to move in and only happened once the son was at uni (I'm assuming). Again, not accusing, just best to keep communication open and friendly for the future.

Absolutely he should come to you. Please tell him that you’d like that, assuming you do of course.
He can fix his relationship with his mum at his own pace but stalling when he’s directly asked for your help seems unkind.
His needs trump your sisters currently I would say.

I don’t really understand how you can say you understand your sisters side of things. She is being very selfish, even if she has waited for her partner to move in.

in no other situation would an adult be expected to just put up with sharing their home with a stranger against their will, yet children of parents who want to live with a new partner are supposed to deal with it and have no feelings about who they live with.

OP, do the right thing by your nephew. Your sister is being horrible.

has he given any meaningful explanation of why he doesn’t like this guy? If not then surely your sister should prioritise finding out.

It could be that he just hates the idea of his mum with anyone but if it’s something more worrying such as the way the BF treats his mum or him, then that needs discussing.

i think you’re doing the right thing but should have a discussion about what he plans to do after Uni.

Can you tell us a bit more about why your nephew doesn't want to be around his mum's partner? What's the problem?

I'm intrigued as to why your nephew is so agin going back to somewhere that, he says, no longer feels like home; to the extent, he has asked to stay with you, which house isn't 'home'.
I'd be encouraging him to talk to you, but offering the perspective that his mother, your sister, is a grown woman, not just 'Mum'.
Your nephew is an adult and, unless the partner is abusive, unkind etc, he'd benefit from accepting that, just as his life has moved on, what with uni etc, so has his Mum's.

Is there a dad on the scene @CollectingSeashells

I'm much closer to some of my siblings' children than to my siblings. If their children wanted a place to stay, I would always say yes.

There is no reason he cant stay with you, he is not a child he can make his own decision

OP, try speaking to your sister again - help her see that your nephew staying with you is the best chance she has at having a good relationship with him and him building a relationship with her partner (assuming he is a good man). There will be no pressure of shared quarters but easier for casual meet ups or midweek dinners than if he stayed at uni. Your nephew is an adult and she can’t force his hand, if he at any point feels he has no other choice than to move in with her against his will he will just resent her and her partner more. If I were you, I would support your nephew and help your sister rebuild their relationship.

What is the problem he has with his mother's boyfriend? Is it a personality clash? Is there something you should be aware of? Does he not want to see his mother move on with her life now her sons are grown up? As the couple have been together for 5 years your nephew must have got to know him a little.

You sound like a great Aunty, but I would be cautious. It's s a fine line between being supportive and pandering. What about his Father, is he still in his life? Let him stay for now, don't agree to a permanent stay. Encourage him to work with his mother to solve this.

I would definitely do this for any of my 3 young adult nephews.

I think this is tricky if it's not because he doesn't like the partner just that he doesn't know him. I think my approach would change depending on if there are genuine concerns about the partner, or if he just doesn't like the fact his mum has moved on and is effectively sulking about her relationship. If it's the latter, the situation isn't going to resolve itself if he doesn't at least try and get to know the partner.

So I'd maybe let him move in but on the basis that he genuinely attempts to resolve this long term and make a an effort to see his mum and also get to know the partner. Avoiding your mum's house forever because you won't get to know her partner is not really a solution.

Also you need to have an eye on what happens after uni, is he likely to walk straight into a graduate job with a house share etc or is he likely to want to move back home while he looks for work / has a temporary job. As this can take quite a while. So just be careful about setting a precedent for the years after uni

No, her moving men into his space is what is putting strain on the relationship
Yes he is an adult but he still wants a place to come home to in the holidays

I think a lot depends on why he doesn't want to go home. He could be a brat who doesn't think his mum is entitled to her own life and is trying to manipulate her into ditching her partner. Or he could be a perfectly reasonable young man who thinks the partner is problematic in some way. Or something in between. My own feelings would vary depending on the situation.

Why shouldn’t he live/stay with you?!
Hes an adult, its his choice to come home or not, he’s not given his Mum an ultimatum, he’s just made arrangements that work for him.
His Mum doesn’t get to dictate where her adult son lives!