AIBU to let my nephew stay with us in holidays?

[CollectingSeashells]

My sister has 2 sons who are 26 and 20. My older nephew lives with his girlfriend and my younger nephew has been at uni for 2 years. He lives away from home in term time, but goes home in the holidays.

My sister has been in a relationship with a man for 5 years and they started living together last November. My nephew has been home a few times since he has lived there for Christmas and weekends.

My nephew has decided he doesn’t want to live with her partner when he comes home and spoke to my sister over the phone about it just before he was due to come home for summer. My sister told him that her partner would be staying and she had waited a long time for him to move in. She reassured my nephew that he was always welcome with them but he decided not to go home for summer and has stayed alone in the house he shares with university friends.

My nephew is currently visiting us for my son’s birthday and has asked if we would allow him to live with us when he wants to come “home” for the holidays. Obviously this puts us in an awkward situation. I’ve told my sister that he has asked and she dismissed it as something that can’t happen, but we have told her that we are willing to let him stay with us if she can’t sort things out with him. She has rowed with us over it and sees us as unreasonable for considering it.

Are we being unreasonable? I can see my sisters side of things but I’m worried about my nephew. We have encouraged him to talk to his mum again and would prefer him to live with her, but if he won’t, we feel obliged to offer him somewhere to call home. My sister refuses to see our side of things and thinks he is just sulking at not getting his own way. I’ve asked my nephew why he doesn’t want to live with my sisters partner and he says that he feels uncomfortable because he doesn’t know him and feels like an outsider there.

I don’t know him very well but he has been pleasant when I have spent time with him. My husband went to the pub with him once and said he was looking at other women and boasting about money so thinks he’s a twat.

I think everyone needs to accept that everyone in this situation is an adult. Your nephew needs to accept that his mum is an adult and is entitled to live with her partner, especially as he himself is an adult who is away at university a lot of the time. Your sister needs to accept that your nephew is an adult who can make choices about where he lives - and that you are also an adult who is equally entitled to make choices about who lives with you in your home. And that’s the long and short of it, really…..

It’s none if his business. Hell would freeze over before a newly moved in partner started telling my son what to do

If your sister wants her son to stay at her house in the school holidays, she'll have to listen to him about what is upsetting him and make some compromises, which would reasonably include asking her new partner not to micromanage his partner's adult child's decisions. Otherwise the son is going to stay elsewhere, as he has already demonstrated by staying at school. If everyone in your household is genuinely happy to have your nephew there then that sounds like a good temporary solution; sis and her partner can have things all their way and son can be safe and happy.

As far as your "interfering", this isn't logical: you invited him for his cousin's birthday, he then asked you to consider his staying on a longer-term basis. You didn't approach him to move in. His staying with you could be a very helpful temporary pressure valve to both him and your sister. At 20 he could disappear and she'd never see him even if the current partner works out; this way she can still spend some time with him without having to row about the new unilateral "house rules".

He still has a space to come home to.
Mum has the right to move a long term partner in... her son is at Uni FFS and mostly not there.

@CollectingSeashells Having read your update, I think it is entirely understandable that your nephew doesn't want to continue going home to a place he feels he isn't welcome any more. The new partner may ( or may not) have a point, possibly, about the time the nephew gets up or one or two other things you mention - can't really tell without further context - but it isn't the partner's place to try to 'parent' your nephew. But given the other things he says and does it sounds very clear that the partner does not want your nephew in the house. It is also sad that your Sister can't see it for herself.

I think you should support your nephew and tell your sister that there is a better chance of her repairing her relationship with her son, if you let him stay with you rather than tell him no and he will stay at his Uni address instead.

I would, however, make sure that you discuss the ground rules with your nephew before you agree to his proposal - things like what time you expect the house to be quiet if he has friends in, wants to put a washing on etc. In other words what you are happy to live with? It IS possible that he does make a lot of noise with some of the activities the partner is getting onto him about?

Poor Lad! I feel for him

Given the update on the partner you absolutely should let your nephew live with you on the holidays.
The boyfriend should not be telling your nephew what to do. That’s not his place.

I think this is a very delicate age tbh. I remember leaving to go to uni but still enjoying the comforting familiarity of being home again. It must be very difficult to have that removed because it doesn’t feel like home any more. Yes he’s “an adult” but really 20 is still very young in a lot of ways.

I think you’re doing the right thing OP by letting him stay somewhere that feels comforting and familiar. It’s a shame his mum doesn’t seem able to balance his feelings with her and bf’s. She should be grateful to you that you’re helping him through this tricky patch.