AIBU to let my nephew stay with us in holidays?

[CollectingSeashells]

My sister has 2 sons who are 26 and 20. My older nephew lives with his girlfriend and my younger nephew has been at uni for 2 years. He lives away from home in term time, but goes home in the holidays.

My sister has been in a relationship with a man for 5 years and they started living together last November. My nephew has been home a few times since he has lived there for Christmas and weekends.

My nephew has decided he doesn’t want to live with her partner when he comes home and spoke to my sister over the phone about it just before he was due to come home for summer. My sister told him that her partner would be staying and she had waited a long time for him to move in. She reassured my nephew that he was always welcome with them but he decided not to go home for summer and has stayed alone in the house he shares with university friends.

My nephew is currently visiting us for my son’s birthday and has asked if we would allow him to live with us when he wants to come “home” for the holidays. Obviously this puts us in an awkward situation. I’ve told my sister that he has asked and she dismissed it as something that can’t happen, but we have told her that we are willing to let him stay with us if she can’t sort things out with him. She has rowed with us over it and sees us as unreasonable for considering it.

Are we being unreasonable? I can see my sisters side of things but I’m worried about my nephew. We have encouraged him to talk to his mum again and would prefer him to live with her, but if he won’t, we feel obliged to offer him somewhere to call home. My sister refuses to see our side of things and thinks he is just sulking at not getting his own way. I’ve asked my nephew why he doesn’t want to live with my sisters partner and he says that he feels uncomfortable because he doesn’t know him and feels like an outsider there.

Although I agree somewhat with posters saying my sister is entitled to move on with her life, I don’t think going to university is moving out.

Unless there is some big issue, then I think 🤔 the nephew is being unreasonable. He is creating a big family issue unnecessarily and making it hard to be a family going forward.

Your nephew is lucky to have you - I do not think you are doing anything wrong from your post

He dosent get to call the shots he's an adult.
If his mum's found happiness, he should be pleased for her.

I think you probably should let your nephew stay with you in the holidays. But from your update I am uncomfortable for you about the things you and your children now “know” about your sister’s relationship. Where does that leave you? You’re bang in the middle of a dispute or family conflict.

Id also like to ask how you will feel if your nephew wants friends over to your home, if you start to consider that perhaps he should have a job during the summer break instead of being home during the day while you work? Where do you stand if he snacks in his room and leaves plates etc? It’s not easy living with a 20-year old. Your sister’s partner is no more entitled to parent than you in some ways, but both of you are allowed to have some say in your home? Just something to think about.

She can have a relationship and put that first and decide that going to uni is him moving out.
But she cant then dictate that he cannot stay at your house. I think its nice he feels so settled with you and can see it as a home base when not in university.

She cant have it both ways .

He can decide not to live somewhere and with someone that makes him uncomfortable. Nothing to do with her now. I’d welcome him ( he’s still young) on three conditions 1. Contribute to food bill 2. Tidy up after himself. 3. Do own laundry. You’re a good aunt!

By that logic, his mum should also let him move on and be happy staying with us. If she was, there wouldn’t be as much of a problem. He isn’t moaning that he can’t live there to his mum. He has accepted it and is looking for a solution which she is trying to block.

We don’t need him to contribute to the food bill but he is very tidy and looks after himself at his mums and has done for years, so he’ll do the same here.

It would be interfering if you had proactively offered because it's a crying shame he has nowhere to call home.

As it is, the fact he asked you because he feels he has nowhere to call home is heartbreaking, you're not interfering and any decent mother would thank you for helping their child feel comfortable at a time they are not.

YANBU - she is. It's fine if she wants her partner of 5 years to live with her, and it may well be that her son is being unreasonable. But if he doesn't want to go back to her house, she can't bloody make him, and cutting off other routes of comfort is really shitty behaviour on her part. This is something I'd fall out with her about if I had to.

Had a similar-ish situation with the single mum of one of my son's best friends. He said he didn't want to live with her any more, he wanted to live with his Dad. She thought he was being pressured by his Dad. I had multiple chats with him over many evenings and his reasons for wanting to live with his Dad were solid, rational, not reached under any duress at all and DEEPLY felt. So that's what I reported back to her - he wasn't being manipulated as far as I could tell, he really did want to move in with his Dad, it's a hill he was willing to die on and at 16, I didn't feel she could really stop him - if she wanted to keep their relationship strong (and it WAS strong) she should try and facilitate it and keep his room and her arms safe and welcoming if he wanted to return.

She went fucking ballistic and still accuses me of splitting her family up, because now he doesn't see her as often as she wants him to because she kicked off so badly.

Massive tangent - but some mothers are incapable of putting their children's needs first, especially if it means cutting the apron strings a little.

Give your nephew a safe nest to return to when life feels overwhelming. It's a lovely thing for you to do. Everyone needs somewhere to call home.

Yanbu

She is allowed to move on and have a live in partner but her adult son doesn’t have to live with him or have dinner with him. He is free as an adult to make those choices.

Actions have consequences her boyfriend’s behaviour has made her son feel uncomfortable. Him not staying over is the consequences of his actions from her choices. That’s life.

There was a spookily similar thread in the last few weeks (niece instead of nephew) - maybe get all the advice you need in there!🤔

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5558501-to-let-my-niece-stay-when-she-refuses-to-see-her-mum?reply=153750375

He's not the one calling the shots.
He's saying he doesn't want to live with his mum's partner and he's made alternative arrangements to live elsewhere. That's his right to do so.

His mum, on the other hand is insisting that he must live with her and her partner and can't live with OP.

I think this hits the nail on the head OP, lots of people don't move back in at home after uni, and work during the holidays so don't even go home for long periods. its the fact your sister seems to think he doesn't get a say in where he stays that is the problem, not that she has taken the move to live with her partner (although he does sound like a twat).

All I will say though is make sure you don't end up being the skivvy for an adult if he does stay with you.

Your sister's partner is a dick and this is on her for choosing someone who is a dick to her own child over her child.

I'd offer to let him stay. He's 20. He can stay where he wants.

And if sister keeps on at defending and excusing the dick's behaviour. I'd frankly tell her what your husband said about his behaviour when it comes to other women. Ew.

Having some experience of your nephew’s situation I suspect he may be withholding the full truth. I thought this before the udate with the butter but I that just made me cringe.

There is every chance this alpha dick head is having sex with his mum when he can hear it is awful and makes you not want to go home. Yes, its her life and she is allowed to move on but this does happen as I know all to well and its is shit.

Id let him stay with you Op as theres a good chance you wont ever know the whole picture and you might not want to know . I never told anyone . Although this new generation do seem braver which is good.

I would offer my nephew the space he needs Forcing him to go.home will not improve relationships with his mum or step dad

It doesn't matter what "the full truth" is though.

If he would rather live with OP and OP is happy to have him, then the rest is irrelevant.

Those who are saying that OP should only let him stay "if there is a good reason" are asking her to be judgemental and pick sides.

Nobody is stopping her from living her life.

But she gets to live with the consequences of her choices. Son doesn't like new partner, son is voting with his feet. As is his right

You're an amazing aunt to be looking out for him this way @CollectingSeashells and it's so good he felt he could ask you.

I'm assuming you're going to say yes regardless of what your sister says? I hope so.

Your sister is entitled to move on with her life although she doesn't have to blow up existing relationships to do it. But here's the thing, your nephew is entitled to make his own choices now he's an adult too. It goes both ways.

Sounds like the BF wants him out of the way and the mother is blind to his behaviour. Your nephew is voting with his feet.

Thanks. I will read the thread although just from the OP, this girl has no contact with her mum but my nephew is still in contact with his mum and does want a relationship with her so it’s not as bad as that. No baby here either thank god.

Hobestly noone is wrong here. Everyone's feelings are valid. Your sister is the one who needs to shift attitude to tye issue. She's not wrong to live with her partner and expect her son to be grown up, the son needs to grow up a bi and realise jis mum has a life independent of him but that itbalso doesn't exclude him. He doesn't get his mumma just to.hinself (no mention of his father and the situation there). You're the facilitator to them keeping contact and understanding each other.

You sound a lovely Aunt. Your DSis has moved on with her life, as is her right, now her DS is doing the same and happens to want to share your home. DSis can't stay in control now her son is an adult. She needs to step away from decisions that are made independently from her. Please don't damage your good relationship with your nephew by involving your DSis.

I don’t think the problem is you responding to your nephew’s request for shelter, it is that his parental living situation no longer suits him. How you respond does not change that so you might as well continue to be the supportive aunt. At least your sister will be geographically close to him and spend time with him whilst he is staying with you, which will sustain their relationship. Otherwise he is stuck in students accommodation all year round. Let him stay, and how your sister chooses to respond is her responsibility.