AIBU to let my nephew stay with us in holidays?

[CollectingSeashells]

My sister has 2 sons who are 26 and 20. My older nephew lives with his girlfriend and my younger nephew has been at uni for 2 years. He lives away from home in term time, but goes home in the holidays.

My sister has been in a relationship with a man for 5 years and they started living together last November. My nephew has been home a few times since he has lived there for Christmas and weekends.

My nephew has decided he doesn’t want to live with her partner when he comes home and spoke to my sister over the phone about it just before he was due to come home for summer. My sister told him that her partner would be staying and she had waited a long time for him to move in. She reassured my nephew that he was always welcome with them but he decided not to go home for summer and has stayed alone in the house he shares with university friends.

My nephew is currently visiting us for my son’s birthday and has asked if we would allow him to live with us when he wants to come “home” for the holidays. Obviously this puts us in an awkward situation. I’ve told my sister that he has asked and she dismissed it as something that can’t happen, but we have told her that we are willing to let him stay with us if she can’t sort things out with him. She has rowed with us over it and sees us as unreasonable for considering it.

Are we being unreasonable? I can see my sisters side of things but I’m worried about my nephew. We have encouraged him to talk to his mum again and would prefer him to live with her, but if he won’t, we feel obliged to offer him somewhere to call home. My sister refuses to see our side of things and thinks he is just sulking at not getting his own way. I’ve asked my nephew why he doesn’t want to live with my sisters partner and he says that he feels uncomfortable because he doesn’t know him and feels like an outsider there.

Your sister needs to STFU. She doesn't get to dictate over your household and her adult son. She has clearly chosen to prioritise her boyfriend over her son, now she has to accept the consequences of her choice: her son doesn't want to be around her.

Please be the amazing aunt your nephew sees you as, and don't allow your sister to say one more word about this matter. It's closed.

This is what happens when you pick a man over your child. She made her bed. She cant expect you to be as utterly selfish as she is.

You’re not interfering. You have a separate relationship with your adult nephew, who has asked if he can stay with you. Your sister is the one trying to interfere here, by trying to reduce his options as if that will force him back to her house. He’s made it clear that it won’t.

He’s respected her choice to have her partner living there, but she has to accept that this means her son won’t be. This isn’t a situation where she’s entitled to get everything she wants.

You don’t have to damage your relationship with him because she has.

This was me and the relationship with my mother deteriorated from then on, because of that and other reason. We don’t talk now. Never could I act like this towards my son, it’s his home first.

Your DH sounds brilliant - his perspective sounds spot on.

Given your updates I wouldn’t prioritise your sister’s expectations over your nephews genuine needs.

definitely

Yes, but she won’t be obligated to live with the son’s partner and have her son blocking her from making alternative arrangements. No problem with the mother having a partner, but the insistence that her son should have to live with him is outrageous.

He's not calling any shots though is he.

She's not willing to listen to his concerns - he's removing himself from the situation and finding himself somewhere else to go.

She's the one trying to call the shots by ignoring his concerns AND trying to stop him staying with his Aunt. He's an adult, as his his Aunt, the OP. She has no right whatsoever to decide where he can and cannot stay.

@ByPinkOP Let him stay - he's made a sensible choice in asking you and playing his Mothers game of trying to force him back to her will do no good to anyone involved, short or long term.

I agree with this OP.

For one thing, he may decide not to come every holiday; for example he may get a partner and go to their family home for a holiday.

Well done for supporting him. And you should remind your sister that he has every right to stay with his cousins, who it sound like he’s close and friendly with (as well as of course with you).

Please allow your nephew to stay with you. He seems like a reasonable young man and his mother’s partner doesn’t sound very pleasant.

I think when there's this kind of conflict you can only protect the most vulnerable and between your nephew and your sister, your nephew is in the more precarious position. Of course he can stay. (And your sister is wrong - if he's not staying with you it doesn't mean he'll stay with her. He's more likely to stay near uni or go and visit uni friends).

The caveat to that is if the new partner is actually trying to isolate your sister or otherwise being nasty towards her and she needs some help to get away from him.

Agree entirely with spottypyjamas. Your sisters fella is a stranger to her son. Cannot bear women who put men before their children - yes he's 20 but it's still his home. Selfish mother. You're a good aunty.

No, but she shouldn’t be stopping him from staying with family. Does she not want her son to be happy.

I am glad that you have decided to let your nephew stay with you, he needs somewhere to call home since he feels uncomfortable living with his mum.
Your SIL is bu, she has chosen her bf which she's entitled to, over her DS;
does she wants him to stay on his own in lodgings during the holidays ?
She should be grateful that you are able and willing to look after your nephew.

I think you should ask her to read this whole thread. Good luck.

Her reaction to this just shows why he doesn't want to go home, poor lad.