AIBU to let my nephew stay with us in holidays?

[CollectingSeashells]

My sister has 2 sons who are 26 and 20. My older nephew lives with his girlfriend and my younger nephew has been at uni for 2 years. He lives away from home in term time, but goes home in the holidays.

My sister has been in a relationship with a man for 5 years and they started living together last November. My nephew has been home a few times since he has lived there for Christmas and weekends.

My nephew has decided he doesn’t want to live with her partner when he comes home and spoke to my sister over the phone about it just before he was due to come home for summer. My sister told him that her partner would be staying and she had waited a long time for him to move in. She reassured my nephew that he was always welcome with them but he decided not to go home for summer and has stayed alone in the house he shares with university friends.

My nephew is currently visiting us for my son’s birthday and has asked if we would allow him to live with us when he wants to come “home” for the holidays. Obviously this puts us in an awkward situation. I’ve told my sister that he has asked and she dismissed it as something that can’t happen, but we have told her that we are willing to let him stay with us if she can’t sort things out with him. She has rowed with us over it and sees us as unreasonable for considering it.

Are we being unreasonable? I can see my sisters side of things but I’m worried about my nephew. We have encouraged him to talk to his mum again and would prefer him to live with her, but if he won’t, we feel obliged to offer him somewhere to call home. My sister refuses to see our side of things and thinks he is just sulking at not getting his own way. I’ve asked my nephew why he doesn’t want to live with my sisters partner and he says that he feels uncomfortable because he doesn’t know him and feels like an outsider there.

I’d let him stay with you OP. His mother is being unreasonable. It is reasonable for her to live with her partner given her youngest is 20, but she should intervene to stop her partner trying to tell her son what to do.
However, you may wish to discuss tactics with your nephew. He could go home but refuse to follow any instruction given by mum’s partner. He (nephew) behaves reasonably but behaves like an adult lodger sharing a home and doing as he wishes. Buy and cook his own food even. When mum takes partner’s side and complains, nephew offers to leave if she doesn’t like it. Her choice. If she says yes and he goes to you, she can’t complain.
If he can’t even bear to do even that, even more reason to offer him a home though as there is probably more going on he is not being open about.

My initial thoughts were that it is very nice that you are willing to consider it. However, I do understand that your sister feels it is overstepping.

I have just read your updates and would absolutely let him stay. The partner should wind his neck in when it comes to your nephew.

The partner sounds like a right twat though. The mum can go out with him but she can't complain that her son lives elsewhere.

Maybe the nephew has decided he doesn't want or need to get to know the partner? And he really doesn't have to.

He needs to be civil to his mum's partner when he sees him and try to maintain a good relationship with his mum but he really doesn't have to go back to their house if he choses not to. Forcing people into close proximity can often make situations like this far worse.

The nephew is an adult now so is perfectly entitled to make his own choices about his own life. He's not a child anymore.

Also not all partners are good people and it often takes an outside perspective to see it. Perhaps the OPs husband and nephew can see it and he really is just a bit of a dickhead. In which case the nephew really doesn't have to just go along with things.

The nephew sounds like a mature lad with his head screwed on right tbh.

Totally agree with you. I am not single but if I was, Id rather live alone than move a partner in that my children didn't like/the whole prescence of a non family member must be so uncomfortable in of itself. I might see it differently once they had their own homes.

Edited to say you sound like such a kind aunt and given he's adult- Id follow his wishes and be transparent about that with your sister

We will let him stay but it’s how we frame it to my sister now. My husband thinks if he just so happens to want to visit us in the holidays and any other time he wants, we don’t need to officially say this is now where he is calling home to my sister and she doesn’t need to know he’ll have a designated bedroom, but that feels underhand.

It’s good for me to see that most people agree he should be able to stay. I’ve got my sister telling me I’m wrong and interfering and is allowed a life, my husband saying fuck her and her partner is a twat, my own kids putting themselves in his place with all he’s told them and telling me I have to let him stay and my poor nephew saying he feels like a burden and will just stay in his uni house. I will let him stay but I need to consider my relationship with my sister in a way none of them do.

As I'm sure you realize, he is much likelier to go home if the family connections remain open than if they are all closed down. A 20 year old boy has his pride. If your sister is smart she will encourage you to have him stay, and come to see him at your place.

You need to do what you feel is right in this situation, and not just what your sister wants. She's trying to turn it into a battle of wills, in which there can only be winners and losers. It doesn't have to be that way.

Having read the thread, I am pleased by your latest update that you are going to let him stay. One thing that your sister has forgotten is that if he stays in his uni accommodation he will start to lose touch with family and by offering him somewhere you are keeping that door open.

As to the new chap, I am with you husband, not just a twat but a bit of a tosser, too!

YANBU at all.

Your sister is BU to try and stop her young adult son from having some family comfort during the holidays, and for not taking his issues with her partner seriously.

You be honest with her. You tell her that her son has said xyz to your kids and whilst she thinks there’s an explanation she has to understand this is how her son feels, and no one can’t tell someone how to feel

i would tell her she has every right to move on, but she needs to ensure that her relationship with her son is not damaged, and it is at the moment. He doesn’t want to come home because her partner has made him feel unwelcome with his actions, and at the moment he is staying away at Uni, but of course he wants somewhere to call home

That can’t be at hers because she sees no problem because she is not listening to her son. He will therefore be staying with you, and that will give them both the opportunity to engage with each other without the partner being there, but will also allow gradual introduction of the partner and hopefully a better relationship between them all

I would finish that she maybe prepared to put her partner first and insist her son comes home, but he won’t, and that could end up a damaging their relationship forever

I think you’re slightly overthinking one aspect. You can just say to your sister that he’s welcome to stay any time he wants to.

You don’t have to announce that he is considering this his new “home”… it‘s not underhand to omit that, it’s just not making a big deal of it and not making it even more emotive, which would presumably upset your sister more.

no but her son is entitled to his choices too.

I think you’re a very kind Aunt for considering it and if it works for your own family and won’t cause you undue stress then do it.

Does she not see that whether or not her son stays with you will not make his relationship with her better? She is entitled to her choice but he is also entitled to his. I get that you want to stay on good terms with your sister but she needs to understand that using force with her son will get her nowhere....similarly using force with you!

Men?
I kind of agree with choosing son over partner, but he is twenty. At what age would it be ok for the mum to have her partner living with her? What if son still lives at home when he’s 25? 30? Is she never allowed to live with her boyfriend?

You're right. He isn't a child any more so he can make his own decisions about whether to stay at his mum's house during the University holidays. He has decided that he doesn't want to and because he is an adult, he is free to make that decision.

His mum's partner sounds like a twat. He has moved in and started telling OP's nephew what to do. He also deliberately added butter to OP's nephew's vegan meal.

Yes but she can't then complain if the son wants to live elsewhere.

Your sister is trying to force a relationship that neither of them wants, which is why she is so pissed off for you giving him an 'out', I've actually changed my stance on it from your updates, in theory she should be able to move on with her life, but the boyfriend actually sounds awful, like he is trying to lay down the law as the 'man of the house'.. yuck.

he thinks there is no need to have snacks in his room as it’s antisocial and he wants to get to know him etc, so it was all explained away.

Out of all things you mentioned this is the most worrying to me, who is he to police such things as how he spends his time with them socially?? Why on earth would your sister allow this, probably another case of her being a soft mum in some ways and him deciding that has got to stop.

Your sister will learn the hard way, you'll just have to do right for your nephew and wait for her to catch up.

Given your update then I'd be letting him stay, your sisters partner seems to be trying to tell him what to do, treat him like a child and exert dominance over him. Your nephew deserves to live somewhere without another adult who he didn't choose to live with, being hostile to him. It sounds like your sister will choose to believe others are in the wrong instead of confronting the truth about her partner so I'm not sure there's an easy way around that, it's unlikely she'll change her mind

I noticed this in the OP's opening post: I’ve asked my nephew why he doesn’t want to live with my sisters partner and he says that he feels uncomfortable because he doesn’t know him and feels like an outsider there.

And it struck me that, regardless of what the partner is like, the "because he doesn't know him" problem isn't going to be solved if he doesn't want to get to know him.

You can get to know someone without living with them.
In fact, it's probably better to get to know someone before you live with them.

She can live with her boyfriend any time she likes. What she can't do is insist that her adult son also lives with her and her boyfriend and control where he can and can't live instead.

The son is 2 years into university, at an age when many students stay in their uni town anyway. He is probably finishing his degree next year at which point, like many students he might choose to stay in his uni town, move somewhere else for work, or simply decide he wants to live on his own. There's no guarantee he would ever live with his mother again. Insisting he can't live with his aunt is ridiculously controlling and is not going to make it more likely that the relationship improves.

I'm not vegan but I would be very uncomfortable living or staying with someone who would maliciously slip butter into a vegan person's food. The son should not be pressured to stay there.

Sister needs to grow up - the relationship with her son is clearly already damaged and now she's looking for a scape goat.

I get that you need to consider your relationship with her, but the fact that she's your sister does not mean that you have to blindly support her or tiptoe around her, when she's in the wrong. You call her out, you tell her the truth - that's what sisters do.