AIBU to let my nephew stay with us in holidays?

[CollectingSeashells]

My sister has 2 sons who are 26 and 20. My older nephew lives with his girlfriend and my younger nephew has been at uni for 2 years. He lives away from home in term time, but goes home in the holidays.

My sister has been in a relationship with a man for 5 years and they started living together last November. My nephew has been home a few times since he has lived there for Christmas and weekends.

My nephew has decided he doesn’t want to live with her partner when he comes home and spoke to my sister over the phone about it just before he was due to come home for summer. My sister told him that her partner would be staying and she had waited a long time for him to move in. She reassured my nephew that he was always welcome with them but he decided not to go home for summer and has stayed alone in the house he shares with university friends.

My nephew is currently visiting us for my son’s birthday and has asked if we would allow him to live with us when he wants to come “home” for the holidays. Obviously this puts us in an awkward situation. I’ve told my sister that he has asked and she dismissed it as something that can’t happen, but we have told her that we are willing to let him stay with us if she can’t sort things out with him. She has rowed with us over it and sees us as unreasonable for considering it.

Are we being unreasonable? I can see my sisters side of things but I’m worried about my nephew. We have encouraged him to talk to his mum again and would prefer him to live with her, but if he won’t, we feel obliged to offer him somewhere to call home. My sister refuses to see our side of things and thinks he is just sulking at not getting his own way. I’ve asked my nephew why he doesn’t want to live with my sisters partner and he says that he feels uncomfortable because he doesn’t know him and feels like an outsider there.

This, is it just this man he thinks his mum shouldn’t be with, or is it any man?

“Moving men into his space”??
Have we time travelled back to the 50s when it was frowned upon for a single mother to have a relationship?!
He is 20, she is entitled to have her partner move in and equally he is entitled to not live at home and live elsewhere!

He's stated why he doesn't want to go home. If he's told his mother that as well, she needs to accept it. He probably won't feel that way forever. She needs to come to terms with the fact that her adult son is making decisions for himself.

You are doing a good thing by letting him be at home with you and yours.

Which he is trying to do but it appears what his mother wants is more important

Excellent answer.

He's 20. And she's right in that he may never have a strong relationship with his mum and new partner if he doesn't move in, but frankly if he's choosing to live alone instead, that ship has sailed.

At 20 he could easily have his own home and life and not stay over anyway.

Or you can just date. Nothing wrong with a relationship itself

She has made her choice, he has made his. She needs to butt out of influencing his choice

Yes I'd do this, and point out to your sister that he's more likely to keep contact with her at your house than if he just stays at university or goes to a friend's house.

He's an adult he can do what he likes. Her own fault for putting a man before her kids.

She is being awful by forcing him to stay with her or not come home. By cutting off his options to stay with other family…I feel like this is quite obvious.

If she wants to move someone in, fine, totally up to her, but to have her son be unable to stay with a family member if he doesn’t want to come home is unfair

I would say yes.
Taking on board he is a good kid and you aren't financially massively worse off and he is respectful.

Depending on how long he has left at uni it might be another issue but I am on the side that I would worry about that further down the line.

To us he has only said he feels uncomfortable living with him and like the house is no longer his home. He has told my children that things have changed since he moved in, like the partner doesn’t like my nephew having friends over, he tries to tell him when he should be studying, when he should get up, when he should put his washing on, moans at him having snacks in his room, all things that didn’t used to be a problem. Also, my nephew is a vegan and my sisters partner apparently takes the piss of him for it. Over Christmas, her partner made a meal that was apparently vegan but my nephew saw him adding butter so he refused to eat it. He didn’t make a fuss and made himself something else to eat but my sisters partner denied putting butter in and went in a mood, saying he should have just eaten it. My nephew told my children that he thinks he put the butter in on purpose because he turned away to do it. Apparently he told his mum that and she said her partner wouldn’t have done it on purpose.

He needs to respect his mum's telationship. He's away at uni and she deserves happiness. He is not 5:years old

I wouldn't fall out with my sister and put him up.
He's needs to get over his mum having a partner. He might one day.

I agree with this.

It's disappointing to her that she's not ending up with her son and partner in the same home, but he's an adult, away most of the time and has been spending more time away from any family anyway. He's beyond the age where she has parental responsibility for where he lives.

It's good that he feels secure enough to see living with OP as an option.

He's not a child for god's sake.
He's left home.
Should his mum remain single all her life?

Whatever her reasons, she doesn't get to dictate where her adult son lives. If he stays with his auntie he's still with family and his mum knows where he is - he could stay in his uni town and move in with other people she doesn't know (which of course he's free to do because he is an adult with agency).

She is the one driving a wedge with her demands and accusations, and if she doesn't see sense and quit it she could end up with a son going low contact with her and a damaged relationship with her sister (OP) too. And to what end? Nobody is going to win from her attitude!

Plenty of reason to strongly dislike him.

And worrying behaviour that could turn on your sister at some point.

I wouldn't be astonished if he is trying to push nephew away as a form of control. At the very least it's very disrespectful to his partner's child.

He sounds awful. He needs to tell his mum all of this.

Try to reframe it as if he stays with you then he can get to know partner. Christmas will be awful for him in student digs on his own.

Actually he seems to have the measure of the partner. He sounds horrible.

Yeah, don't blame nephew for not wanting to live with his mother's partner... and at his age, he doesn't have to suck it up, he can vote with his feet. His mother is obviously viewing this as a slight on her partner and is sore about it, but she needs to get over herself thinking she can dictate what other people do.

I’ve spoken to my sister about the things my nephew mentioned to my children and she has an explanation for everything. Not having friends over is apparently just when her partner is working from home and when he occasionally wants a quiet evening, telling him when to study was apparently him trying to help him, he thinks there is no need to have snacks in his room as it’s antisocial and he wants to get to know him etc, so it was all explained away.

This exactly. The BF sounds like a twat. And very convenient for him to be driving her son away not long after moving in.

What do you think of your sister’s BF?

Absolutely in a heartbeat I’d offer my nephew a place to stay in those circumstances and in fact a similar situation did happen in my own family involving a cousin of mine. Make sure he knows he is always welcome.