AIBU to refuse regular Sunday evening childcare for my daughter?

[Asineleen]

Good morning all, I’m not sure if i’m being selfish or fair so please be honest.

Context, I’m 62, I have some health issues but I’m generally able to get on with most parts of life, I do find somethings quite overwhelming though.

Last night my DD messaged me, she has 3 children, twins who are 2 and a 4 year old. I love my granddaughters, I love spending time with them and I’m happy to have them occasionally. Currently they come for a sleep over every other month on a Saturday night and I may provide some ad-hoc childcare if and when it’s needed.
DD was asking if I would be happy to come to hers on alternating Sunday nights from 7ish to 9:30ish in the evening. She and her husband want to go to the mixed doubles group at the local tennis club (they already go to ladies and gents night but obviously the other just stays home with the kids).
She said her mother in law has offered to do every other Sunday.
She told me she would make sure the girls were bathed and in bed and they wouldn’t leave until 7:15 and it continues until 9pm then they would be back around 9:15-30.
I live 10 minutes away, DD said she would make sure either she or her DH be able to drive me home.
She said likely the girls wouldn’t be asleep just yet but the twins would be close and I could sit with her eldest and read with her then it would just be manning the house from about 8 onwards.

I said sorry no I can’t. Mostly as I have work at 8am on Mondays, I tend to be in bed for 8-9 most evenings and tbh I just don’t think it would be as easy as she is selling it, I imagine the children would be out of sorts since mummy and daddy were away and it’s a school night for the eldest so I would feel awful if I wasn’t able to get her down to sleep on time.
I do have 2 children, but there is 11 and a half years between them so I never had a phase of caring for multiple very small children and while I’m happy to do it on a Saturday where bedtime can go a bit off plan and it not matter, I’d worry on a school night.

When my mum called this morning I mentioned it to her and my mum has made me feel awful saying considering all they do for me (drive to appointments, cut my grass etc.), it would be a nice small way to say thank you and if son-in-laws mum can do it and she’s in a whole different town, why can’t I.

So AIBU to say no? Am I being selfish and ungrateful since they do things for me? Should I say yes and just see how it goes?

You won't be the only one and, unless you have a village, it's true.

It's a pretty sad state of affairs, though. Couples getting time together keeps the marriage happy, which keeps the home happy, and it's a positive thing for children to growing up witnessing what a healthy relationship looks like. Beyond that, exercise and fresh air are good for the body and soul. I think, as a couple's activity, doubles tennis is a really sensible idea. It ticks so many boxes.

It doesn't sound as though DD has done anything more than ask, and I don't see anything wrong with asking a question (so long as you're ready for the answer to be no).

I also think it's worth bearing in mind that you often don't get to stay in your own home, as you age, unless you pay for help...

So, if the two generations can help each other out, everyone is happy.

OP has health issues to take care of. None of us know the extent of those, though she is able to walk 10 minutes and work, which rules out certain things (she's not completely incapacitated). It does sound a little as though she is very set in her ways - she is absolutely entitled to be. My concern (DD's request, aside) is that OP will age herself more quickly than her years. I've seen it with my relatives - they didn't even have the excuse of poor health, but they just got old so quickly once they stopped putting themselves out in any way (even going for a meal was too much trouble). On the other hand, I've seen other relatives with a plethora of disabilities and medical issues push on for independence and have a much longer, more fulfilled life.

Yip, I’m in my late 40s going through peri, have mobility issues , chronic pain struggle to sleep. I couldn’t look after a goldfish right now I’m totally done in but according to some people on this thread I’d be selfish or I could risk my children cutting me off! It’s so clear those who have not experienced chronic illness

Yes I think you are being unreasonable, you only live 10mins away and it's only for a couple of hours, there has to some give and take if they do stuff for you

It's not a huge ask and they already do stuff for you. I'm glad you have reconsidered.

I feel like a lot of posters are trying to catch OP out!!

the grass, where she works, transport etc.

If she doesn’t want to then she doesn’t want to. Fortnightly may not seem a lot but it comes around quickly and Sundays are rubbish. I want to be chilling and not going anywhere on a Sunday evening.

OP don’t be pressured. Give it a go but be honest with them. Health conditions and sleep are important too. Your DD sounds good though - happy to skip if needed. So you could even do 1x per month.

I wish we could hear daughter's side of it telling about how her mum expects to be driven to all her appointments etc. It's really not a big ask at all.

I agree with this having had twins and a similar age gap, it won’t be an easy evening.
I also start work at 8am, up at 6.30am for a 10 hour day. I think people are being harsh, Sunday nights can be the time that you prepare you lunch etc for work and prepare for the working week.
They help you with things but you also have the kids for sleepovers, it sounds like you have a lovely relationship, I am sure they’ll understand that it’s difficult with having such an early start in a Monday.

I think you're being very selfish seeing as they do stuff for you. I'd think a lot less of you if I were your daughter and son in law.

Same on the east coast.

Before you say no completely give it a try for a couple of weeks.

I am 76 and have 2 young granddaughters 3 1⁄2 and nearly 1. For the oldest and now the baby I care for her one full day a week. This is just until the youngest gets to be 18 months and will be eligible for child care in the In the US. Those ten hour days are tough but I would not give them up for the world. I have such a loving, strong relationship with both of these little ones. This is my second round of grandchildren - my 3 grandsons are 25, 27 and 30.

I don’t think this is much for an involved grandparent to be honest. Your daughter isn’t even asking for much. That averages out to 1 hour a week. You literally have to relax and wind down in her home before being chauffeured back to your bed a couple of hours later.

you’re only in your early sixties!

This is what’s wrong with the world nowadays. How sad.

Even with the accompanied Friday visit, the overnight you have them PLUS 2.5 hours of sitting under the same roof as them in a Sunday it doesn’t even equate to 7/8 hours a week of time with them. Then take out the sleeping time and take out the time they visit with their parents.

I don’t want to state the obvious but you hardly see your daughter’s children, your grandchildren. This is also counting the Sunday that you’re still undecided about!

It’s 2.5 hours. They’re bathed and asleep ready for bed.

she’s the maternal grandmother who’s only in her early sixties.

it’s selfish is what it is!

A little bit alternative to most of the other posts. This is a regular commitment and ties up alternative Sunday evenings for you even though it is only a couple of hours. You may feel too tired sometimes given your health issues and it is not a commitment you could easily break. You seem to do quite a lot for your family already so I would try to negotiate another arrangement or offer once a month. They will no doubt be committed to their tennis so won't want to miss a session. I am getting the feeling that its the commitment that is worrying you and you don't feel able to take it on. You get tired and you have work as well. I suggest talking this through honestly with your daughter and husband to see what can be worked out. Perhaps try it for a few evenings to see how it goes. I dont think you should feel guilty about this.

Some people have to get up early for work. Not everyone works in a cushy 9-5 so they need to be in bed early

I'm glad to see you've agreed to trial it. I think if your DD and SIL do so much for you, it would only be fair to trial it at least and see if it works. You sound like a caring granny so to not even try would be upsetting for DD I'm sure. It sounds like you've made her day by agreeing to trial

You sound very "poor me " . You'll regret not giving this tiny bit of help when you're my age with a terminal illness and really need help from your family . I'm so glad I was supportive whenever asked , they now look after me .

For what it's worth I get the Sunday thing. I think in your circumstances any other day would be preferable.

It's an interesting one. A lot of people seem to be falling back on the transactional view of family obligations - eg one lawn cutting 'should' equal x hours of babysitting, etc. As if OP is selfishly trying to grab more than she's entitled to by not wanting to do the Sunday evening babysit.

Of course there's reciprocity within families, but OP sounds like a perfectly loving Grandma who's doing as much for her family as she has capacity for. I can quite understand her reluctance to do every other Sunday evening. I'm about the same age as her, also still working, and I do voluntary work every other week - which believe me comes round very quickly. As a PP has said, it's not just the literal time 'doing the job' that's the issue, it's the commitment that's always at the back of your mind.

And, newsflash, in your 60s things take more out of you. Yes there are some very vocal people that age who love to tell you about their wild swimming, travel, important work, mountaineering etc - but for many of us, life increasingly gets more tiring, physically, emotionally and mentally. It's not an excuse to 'wind down', it's reality. On top of which, Sunday evenings are grim enough without feeling you've got to gear up to be responsible for three young children. That would colour my whole weekend tbh. But I'm delighted for all the paragons out there, who will be lovely selfless Grandmas when it gets to be their turn.

I totally understand why OP feels a bit guilty, because she loves DD & her family. But for every other reason no, she is not being unreasonable.

Tennis will probably be rained off every other week then.

Had you not been supportive, do you think they wouldn’ be looking after you now ?

She’s the maternal grandmother who has health issues in her early sixties. If she has mobility problems - which it certainly sounds like - that can take its toll and she perhaps doesn’t want a regular commitment in case she lets them down. I’m mid sixties with health problems and I don’t think younger people appreciate that at this age you don’t have the reserves you once had.

FFS.

Read the OP! It's not Foucault.

You are her village. She is your village. Help out. Parents are at their best when they get to connect with themselves and their partners once in a while. See it as an investment in your daughter and grandchildren!

My MIL & FIL have never helped us out with childcare and never would though they were retired affluent in good health and drove etc, I would have love some help regularly, over the years (my children are now 16 &11) they've lost any closeness with our children. X I can't understand not wanting to feed bath and do bedtimes with your grandchildren - if its too much phsyically perhaps they could do bathtime etc before they go.

YANBU. If you can’t do it you should be guilt tripped for saying no. You have to start work at 8. 3 kids between age 2 and 4 can be too much to handle. You are providing childcare on Saturday so not sure why you are told you are acting selfish.