AIBU to refuse regular Sunday evening childcare for my daughter?

[Asineleen]

Good morning all, I’m not sure if i’m being selfish or fair so please be honest.

Context, I’m 62, I have some health issues but I’m generally able to get on with most parts of life, I do find somethings quite overwhelming though.

Last night my DD messaged me, she has 3 children, twins who are 2 and a 4 year old. I love my granddaughters, I love spending time with them and I’m happy to have them occasionally. Currently they come for a sleep over every other month on a Saturday night and I may provide some ad-hoc childcare if and when it’s needed.
DD was asking if I would be happy to come to hers on alternating Sunday nights from 7ish to 9:30ish in the evening. She and her husband want to go to the mixed doubles group at the local tennis club (they already go to ladies and gents night but obviously the other just stays home with the kids).
She said her mother in law has offered to do every other Sunday.
She told me she would make sure the girls were bathed and in bed and they wouldn’t leave until 7:15 and it continues until 9pm then they would be back around 9:15-30.
I live 10 minutes away, DD said she would make sure either she or her DH be able to drive me home.
She said likely the girls wouldn’t be asleep just yet but the twins would be close and I could sit with her eldest and read with her then it would just be manning the house from about 8 onwards.

I said sorry no I can’t. Mostly as I have work at 8am on Mondays, I tend to be in bed for 8-9 most evenings and tbh I just don’t think it would be as easy as she is selling it, I imagine the children would be out of sorts since mummy and daddy were away and it’s a school night for the eldest so I would feel awful if I wasn’t able to get her down to sleep on time.
I do have 2 children, but there is 11 and a half years between them so I never had a phase of caring for multiple very small children and while I’m happy to do it on a Saturday where bedtime can go a bit off plan and it not matter, I’d worry on a school night.

When my mum called this morning I mentioned it to her and my mum has made me feel awful saying considering all they do for me (drive to appointments, cut my grass etc.), it would be a nice small way to say thank you and if son-in-laws mum can do it and she’s in a whole different town, why can’t I.

So AIBU to say no? Am I being selfish and ungrateful since they do things for me? Should I say yes and just see how it goes?

YANBU

Sunday night is such a crucial time to set you up for the week ahead, having to be out doing childcare then is much more of an ask than they’re making out.

It also doesn’t sound brilliant for the kids.

The OP has said she is going to try it yet you think she’s “being mean”?

Always a good idea to read all of the OP’s posts if coming into a thread when there’s already 500+ posts.

Also, Jesus Christ, what a with this huge thing about the SIL cutting the OP’s lawn a few times a month? For all we know it’s a small lawn and takes 5 mins.

It's really not alot they are asking for and if they do things for you quite a lot then it's pretty selfish of you.

Completely agree with this.
And it's childcare for three children under 5 on a Sunday night, when OP has to be up at 6am for work the next morning..

I wouldn't do it. A week day yeah, a sunday evening when i like to chill, no. I would offer a suggestion of a week day evening.

Is it really about the inconvenience, or is it your worry about having 3 small children by yourself? That's not criticism, you have a genuine concern which is valid. You aren't in 100% health and it might be tricky. But, you could trial it and see how you get on. It might be a more joyous experience than you think. If it doesn't work, you can't be critisised for not trying. We have 3 boys and rarely get time as a couple, we miss exercising together. But now, we have to do things singularly and take turns to stay home like lots of couples, so I bet this would feel golden to your daughter. I miss my husband when I have to go out alone!

I doubt it's about that considering she already does do some childcare. OP's daughter already gets alone time with her DH, she just wants more.

I agree with you. As a one off perhaps, but it’s too much for a regular commitment with your health issues and being at work early the next day.

If I am going to give an honest answer and not the one i think you were hoping for, I think you are being a bit inflexible OP. Why not get in your pyjamas and go to bed too: the girls would probably think it was great fun to go to bed at the same time as you.

Check the tennis season(?) (not sure of the right phrase) - I wouldn't be surprised if this stops over winter or has a specific season with a gap in the year when they don't do it, so you'll get some Sundays off.

I think the problem is you potentially starting Monday having had an unsettled / busy Sunday evening. Can you try a Thursday night for your first school night babysitting?

Overall response to this thread ridiculous and entitled:

The parents want to play (more) tennis.

80% think a 62 year old woman should bend over backwards, giving up every other Sunday evening, to care for 2x 2 years old and a 4 year old.

Despite her health issues, early shift the next day and feeling overwhelmed by the request.

What?!

You sound selfish and rigid. It’s every other Sunday for a small amount of time when I expect they’ll be just going to bed. Even if it puts you out can’t you see it’s a nice thing for your son in law and daughter and just do it because it helps them? Or is it all about you and only you?

The OP put in the post she has work at 8am on a Monday morning.

Why is she selfish, she goes to bed early, gets up at 6am, goes to work, has the DGC overnights sometimes. Sunday evening is pretty much the worst time to babysit. She’s already said she’s nervous to look after three little ones. All this so the parents can play tennis together.

Just do it . You can cope with a bedtime of 10
surely once a fortnight? I’d jump at the chance to look after grandchildren like that every fortnight and build a relationship with them (her mil will be doing that bonding).
I think you sound quite selfish

Or the alternative interpretation is that this is fairly modest request for a relatively small favour just once a fortnight, from a daughter and son-in-law who already do quite a lot to help the OP, despite her only being 62, but the the OP was reluctant to reciprocate in any way because she likes to go to bed at 8pm.

Anyway, the OP has now said that she is going to give it a go, so fair play to her.

There seems to be a race to the bottom mentality of some people here (not you). Or this idea that everything needs to be as hard as they have it. It’s so odd

Every thread about needing or wanting help.
😵‍💫

This! It makes me sad that parents/grandparents don’t want to help especially as it sounds like they help you out a lot. It’s also a really healthy thing they want to do as a couple. Having young kids is hard! It won’t be forever. A trial would have been a kinder way to deal with this.

I can’t imagine leaving three young children with a local teen, my children would’ve been so uncomfortable with that too

You’d really expect your mother who has health and mobility issues so much so that she requires help to manage 3 kids under 5 whilst she also works? I think you’re being really unkind. I’m in late 40’s and absolutely knackered after work and keeping up with my house, it’s ok that some people struggle with childcare

Considering they do alot for you and you seem to have a good relationship with them, I don’t think asking for 1hr 15 mins baby sitting twice a month is really a stretch to be honest.

Relationships are about give and take. From what you have said, they seem to be giving you more than they are taking. And you seem to be taking more than giving. Yes it’s a Sunday night, yes you have work the next day, but it’s only a hour so your daughter and son in law can get some quality time together. I’m sure you can cope with going to bed 30 minutes later than normal twice a month. I could understand a bit more if they were expecting you to be there until midnight but 9:15pm is hardly late.

You are getting older and will need the good will of your family in the future, don’t be suprised if your daughters MIL takes priority in the future and your lifts to the hospital and lawn become less of one.

Despite her being only 62"

So you have decided to discount the OP having a disability then? How charming you are.
Do you also look down on 45 year olds who are limited in what they do because they are disabled and so need help from others?
This may be news to you, but people who are disabled do genuinely need some help at times, whereas having children and wanting to go out to play tennis is not a need, it's a want.

Why on earth would they cut her out their life for not managing to babysit? Would you cut your dad out your life if he didn’t?

Quoting my own post to add: I realised that the OP hasn't described herself as disabled, but she has health issues that mean she can't do certain things like mow a lawn, and if those health issues have lasted six months (which it sounds like they have) and are likely to continue, then that does mean she legally she has a disability.

None of us know the OP mobility issues. And she has every right to keep her condition private. For crying out loud - if she, like me, cannot manage stairs safely it would be irresponsible of her to be solely responsible for three very young children. Those of you who are in perfect health at 65+, bully for you. We aren't all blessed.