AIBU to refuse regular Sunday evening childcare for my daughter?

[Asineleen]

Good morning all, I’m not sure if i’m being selfish or fair so please be honest.

Context, I’m 62, I have some health issues but I’m generally able to get on with most parts of life, I do find somethings quite overwhelming though.

Last night my DD messaged me, she has 3 children, twins who are 2 and a 4 year old. I love my granddaughters, I love spending time with them and I’m happy to have them occasionally. Currently they come for a sleep over every other month on a Saturday night and I may provide some ad-hoc childcare if and when it’s needed.
DD was asking if I would be happy to come to hers on alternating Sunday nights from 7ish to 9:30ish in the evening. She and her husband want to go to the mixed doubles group at the local tennis club (they already go to ladies and gents night but obviously the other just stays home with the kids).
She said her mother in law has offered to do every other Sunday.
She told me she would make sure the girls were bathed and in bed and they wouldn’t leave until 7:15 and it continues until 9pm then they would be back around 9:15-30.
I live 10 minutes away, DD said she would make sure either she or her DH be able to drive me home.
She said likely the girls wouldn’t be asleep just yet but the twins would be close and I could sit with her eldest and read with her then it would just be manning the house from about 8 onwards.

I said sorry no I can’t. Mostly as I have work at 8am on Mondays, I tend to be in bed for 8-9 most evenings and tbh I just don’t think it would be as easy as she is selling it, I imagine the children would be out of sorts since mummy and daddy were away and it’s a school night for the eldest so I would feel awful if I wasn’t able to get her down to sleep on time.
I do have 2 children, but there is 11 and a half years between them so I never had a phase of caring for multiple very small children and while I’m happy to do it on a Saturday where bedtime can go a bit off plan and it not matter, I’d worry on a school night.

When my mum called this morning I mentioned it to her and my mum has made me feel awful saying considering all they do for me (drive to appointments, cut my grass etc.), it would be a nice small way to say thank you and if son-in-laws mum can do it and she’s in a whole different town, why can’t I.

So AIBU to say no? Am I being selfish and ungrateful since they do things for me? Should I say yes and just see how it goes?

It's only a few hours once every 2 weeks. I would have said yanbu on a Sunday evening if you have work the next day, but as they are cutting your grass and giving you lifts I would give it a go and see how you get on.
Maybe offer to do it instead of the monthly sleepover.

Why keep a tally?
The son-in-law is younger and (presumably) doesn't have health or mobility issues. From each, to each, and all that.

Why should she have to pay for their babysitter? They should pay for their own, Other than that it would be nice to at least trial one Sunday a month, though if it doesn't work for her it does not make her a bad grandmother being she has them over and sees them often.

I thought the same. Glad you’re giving it a go Op & sounds like your DD will be understanding if you don’t want to continue with it for whatever reason.

I don’t think you’re being unfair, OP.

I can appreciate how hard it is to be disabled and having to make changes to your whole life in order to be able to hang on to your job. Workplaces don’t want disabled people and we can’t give them any excuse to criticise our performance or attendance.

MN can sometimes have a very entitled attitude to grandparents, who are often still working full time or in poor health, expecting way too much. You need to do what is right for you, what you can easily cope with. Not what MNers try to guilt or shame you into.

I think you’ve had some unfair comments on here OP and I would also be hesitant to agree in your shoes.
It’s the commitment and regularity needed that I would have a problem with, plus seemingly not much flexibility for you in this.

But you are going to give it a try so I hope it works out and if it does not then you can bow out gracefully.

I am such a drip. I would do anything for my gc - don't get me wrong, I shout at them, smack, when necessary, but I just can't say 'no'. Don't be like me!!!!!

OP does plenty for her grand kids.

OP, please don't feel guilty for saying no.

There's a world of difference between ad hoc childcare and a regular twice a month arrangement for three young children.
Particularly when you have to be up so early for work the next morning.

I very much doubt looking after three young children who would still be up when you get there in the evening would willingly go to bed as per their usual routine.
And I can almost guarantee that the ''we'll be back by 9.15'' will be stretched out within weeks.

I also feel your daughter put you under pressure to agree by mentioning that her MIL had already agreed to do every other week.

People's energy isn't all the same, I am older and know lots of people my age and older who are managing to fit more into their lives, without becoming exhausted and overwhelmed. I don't, I try to do more as I know inactivity isn't good for me. Only you know whether you can cope with this baby sitting. Don't let other people pressure you.

I can't believe all these posters commenting on how "you don't do much childcare". Yeah cause they are not her kids! It's a commitment and id not want to do it either if it's past your usual bedtime. You're not being unreasonable! All the entitled posters who expect their mum to step in on the regular most definitely are.

A few hours every other Sunday? I’m sure you can manage!!

Glad that you have agreed to trial this out. You can't always be so rigid with family especially if they are cutting your grass and taking you to appointments.

The weather in the UK varies greatly depending on where people are located. People in the south of England will have had very different weather to those in the north of Scotland or north coast of NI, for example. This really shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone living in the UK!

You smack your grandchildren??

OP I'm glad you're giving it a go and your DD has said it's fine if you don't want to continue.

I wouldn't agree indefinitely though even if it's going well, maybe a few months.

@HollyhocksandPeons I can’t believe you smack your grandchildren while claiming you’d do anything for them. I cannot imagine a circumstance where I would smack my grandchildren, one of them lived with us for two years and we managed to enforce boundaries and good behaviour without smacking.

Are your DC aware you assault their children?

and ad hoc for I'm assuming things like work emergencies such as an ill child.

Yet they are wonderful and selfless for mowing a lawn.

Are you joking me???
You have a great relationship with your daughter and yet you give a hard no to a simple request.
I would imagine it would be much easier to babysit on a fixed day with lifts back and forth than random times.
Sorry to sound harsh but are you sure you are not using your health issues as a crutch. After all you are able to work so surely sitting on the sofa is not too difficult.
Imagine if they cut you out of their lives. All those Center Parks, pop inside etc.

I would agree to this. Its twice a month, 2 or 3 hours tops and not a late finish. Youve said they do things for you. How would you feel if they didn't cut your grass or take you to appointments? I think youre being mean

It's once a fortnight you are still young and if the little one wakes up its not the end of the world it's 9. 15pm not 11. I would do it for my kids especially as yours seem to do a lot for you.

If you could be home by 930, you could be in bed by 10, giving you 8 hours sleep. It’s not a big ask, and it would be great for your DD to have a chance to do something fun with her DH.
You can do what you need to get ready for work earlier on in the day, you could even have a nap before going if you are that worried about your sleep. As for the grandchildren, I expect your DD has them in a routine, and she has said they will be in bed before she goes. You could get there earlier so you can help with getting them down, and so that they will see that you are part of the normal routine.
3 DC can be challenging, but the worse thing that could happen is that all 3 stay awake till their parents get home. That’s not terrible, if it means that their mum gets a break.

If it's a great relationship, surely OP is allowed to say no when she already does do some childcare? It isn't a great relationship if things are only good when OP is like a nodding dog to every childcare request.

Some of the comments on here are ridiculous. OP has said she’ll give it a try - she hasn’t disclosed her mobility issues but those of you calling her ‘mean spirited’, ‘selfish’ etc have no idea what her limitations are. I would love to help my daughter and her partner more but my issue is climbing up and down stairs. I physically cannot do it. Arthritis is a bugger. For goodness sake some of you, have some empathy.