AIBU to refuse regular Sunday evening childcare for my daughter?

[Asineleen]

Good morning all, I’m not sure if i’m being selfish or fair so please be honest.

Context, I’m 62, I have some health issues but I’m generally able to get on with most parts of life, I do find somethings quite overwhelming though.

Last night my DD messaged me, she has 3 children, twins who are 2 and a 4 year old. I love my granddaughters, I love spending time with them and I’m happy to have them occasionally. Currently they come for a sleep over every other month on a Saturday night and I may provide some ad-hoc childcare if and when it’s needed.
DD was asking if I would be happy to come to hers on alternating Sunday nights from 7ish to 9:30ish in the evening. She and her husband want to go to the mixed doubles group at the local tennis club (they already go to ladies and gents night but obviously the other just stays home with the kids).
She said her mother in law has offered to do every other Sunday.
She told me she would make sure the girls were bathed and in bed and they wouldn’t leave until 7:15 and it continues until 9pm then they would be back around 9:15-30.
I live 10 minutes away, DD said she would make sure either she or her DH be able to drive me home.
She said likely the girls wouldn’t be asleep just yet but the twins would be close and I could sit with her eldest and read with her then it would just be manning the house from about 8 onwards.

I said sorry no I can’t. Mostly as I have work at 8am on Mondays, I tend to be in bed for 8-9 most evenings and tbh I just don’t think it would be as easy as she is selling it, I imagine the children would be out of sorts since mummy and daddy were away and it’s a school night for the eldest so I would feel awful if I wasn’t able to get her down to sleep on time.
I do have 2 children, but there is 11 and a half years between them so I never had a phase of caring for multiple very small children and while I’m happy to do it on a Saturday where bedtime can go a bit off plan and it not matter, I’d worry on a school night.

When my mum called this morning I mentioned it to her and my mum has made me feel awful saying considering all they do for me (drive to appointments, cut my grass etc.), it would be a nice small way to say thank you and if son-in-laws mum can do it and she’s in a whole different town, why can’t I.

So AIBU to say no? Am I being selfish and ungrateful since they do things for me? Should I say yes and just see how it goes?

Or choose a couple of hours that suit Op.

Even if Op doesn't do it they are getting every other week when MIL does.

My mum lives far away and would LOVE the opportunity to do something like this, but she can’t due to the distance.

Interestingly enough, studies show that grandparents who are actively and regularly involved in their grandchildren’s lives live longer and have lower rates of dementia and better health outcomes in general.

Your mean extremely mean, I’m sure you can stretch your bedtime by half an hour.

Good on you oP for digesting the feedback and agreeing to give it a go on a trial basis. I was always so grateful for the regular help I received from family when my kids were small. My kids are a bit older now and they adore their GPs still and have a fantastic relationship. I’m sure the benefits for the effort you put in now will be coming back to you in years to come

Quite, I was going to say.

Any Occupational Therapist or leader of a group for people with chronic pain/fatigue/long covid etc will tell you that a very common complaint is that even the patient's nearest and dearest do not understand how limiting the condition can be, or how quickly tiring. This includes people who actually live with the patient, which neither the OP's DD nor mother do.

I find it incredible that a man would never be under this much pressure to say yes to the parents. You don’t have to justify your response for saying no, if you don’t want to do it then that’s totally valid, it doesn’t mean anything about you or your relationship with your family.why do we live in a world where people feel entitled to women’s free labour !? If she wants to play tennis she can get a babysitter, like millions of parents who have no grandparents in the picture do ! It is an absolute privilege and luxury to have two sets of grandparents around so whatever engagement and interaction they have with you is a gift, there is a real sense of entitlement that seeps out from some parents that they have this expectation of what their parents “should do” for them it’s so poisonous to family dynamics to think in that way . It would be more courteous for the parents to mix grandparents and babysitters anyway to take the pressure off their own parents every week

Can’t face reading that

Why is it always the grandmothers who have to do this? I also agree if you want to do something when you are a parent, you find a babysitter if you can't find a relative to do it. And given the OP refers to her mother, presumably she's quite elderly and she's keeping an eye on her too?

I don't think cutting the grass on occasion (and they won't have done it for weeks as it has been so dry, unless you are in Scotland) is "doing an awful lot", and the OP could easily pay someone to do it.

Mad (and frankly nasty) comments on this thread directed at the OP.

Would you say that to a man?

No of course you wouldn't.

You are not being unreasonable especially as you have work early on Monday morning. I had 2 children and had NO help from grandparents until the youngest was 5 and then only day time occasionally for a couple of hours. I survived, I still helped my parents and in-laws, I paid for baby sitters or swapped with my friends for childcare. Don't feel bad, you already help.

Well fancy that.

Avoid dementia by running yourself ragged looking after your mother, your child, your grandchildren all when trying to deal with a job and health condition.

My in laws helped us so much with our DDs when they were young. Unfortunately my mum couldn't due to distance and she was much older.

The relationship my daughters had with my in laws was incredible and they miss them terribly, having lost them in their early 20s.

Well done for giving it a go OP.

Its 2 hours once a fortnight ffs

I would say that if you do it make sure it is on the understanding that you sometimes do have some time ‘off’. They should not expect you not to.

Otherwise you cannot plan or do anything at weekends as you are committed to this Sunday evening forever more.

The hours. I would clarify what they are. You cannot be manning the house from 8pm and they also leave at 7.15 or even 7pm.

My parents looked after much loved grandchildren. Every week. They found it tiring. But they did feel unable to plan to do anything else on that time ever.

As someone with small dc and no social time with DH, I think its lovely you are willing to give this a go. This sort of thing would make a HUGE difference to our marriage and my happiness levels.

Its hard to say if you are being mean or not. Depending on your health conditions and how a later night would affect you.

I have health conditions and understand the worry, wondering if you could cope.

Maybe have an honest conversation with your daughter and explain your reservations.

If you feel you are up to it, after that, maybe try it once and review, could you manage it once or twice a month?

Maybe try and stay in bed a little later the day after.

It is up to you, you shouldn't feel you have to do it.

I would offer to mind them for only one Sunday, but every other month.
So for instance;
January = Saturday over night at nans (your house). 🏠
February = Sunday night tennis club date night (you mind them at their house). 💕
March = Saturday over night at nans (your house). 🏠
April = Sunday night tennis club date night (you mind them at their house). 💕
And so forth.

That way you have contributed, but won't be worn out every (fortnightly) Sunday babysitting (tennis date night) duty. 😌

@Asineleen

You are definitely unreasonable to refuse a very considerate request. You generally sound very selfish in your take on it.

I really don't get how you can possibly be selfish, given all that you do already. I am another one who really doesn't want Grandchildren at all. I have absolutely already done my bit and more so, with elderly parents in the mix.

I think it’s a shame you don’t want to but then I don’t see my grandson nearly enough so I guess I’m biased!

You’re already doing way more than both of our parents by doing a sleepover every other month - I’d love that!!

Exactly! It’s not like looking after them all night, just a couple of hours twice a month.

I would do it because they are helping you out with your lawn and getting you to your appointments.

But even if they weren't doing me any favors I would still do it cause I have terrible guilt complex especially around parenting and if it has anything to do with my DC I'm going to do it or the guilt will eat me up forever.

The OP does have them overnight sometimes too.

It’s sad that you don’t want to but you do have a right to say no. But like someone else said, don’t expect more help for you as you get older…