AIBU to refuse regular Sunday evening childcare for my daughter?

[Asineleen]

Good morning all, I’m not sure if i’m being selfish or fair so please be honest.

Context, I’m 62, I have some health issues but I’m generally able to get on with most parts of life, I do find somethings quite overwhelming though.

Last night my DD messaged me, she has 3 children, twins who are 2 and a 4 year old. I love my granddaughters, I love spending time with them and I’m happy to have them occasionally. Currently they come for a sleep over every other month on a Saturday night and I may provide some ad-hoc childcare if and when it’s needed.
DD was asking if I would be happy to come to hers on alternating Sunday nights from 7ish to 9:30ish in the evening. She and her husband want to go to the mixed doubles group at the local tennis club (they already go to ladies and gents night but obviously the other just stays home with the kids).
She said her mother in law has offered to do every other Sunday.
She told me she would make sure the girls were bathed and in bed and they wouldn’t leave until 7:15 and it continues until 9pm then they would be back around 9:15-30.
I live 10 minutes away, DD said she would make sure either she or her DH be able to drive me home.
She said likely the girls wouldn’t be asleep just yet but the twins would be close and I could sit with her eldest and read with her then it would just be manning the house from about 8 onwards.

I said sorry no I can’t. Mostly as I have work at 8am on Mondays, I tend to be in bed for 8-9 most evenings and tbh I just don’t think it would be as easy as she is selling it, I imagine the children would be out of sorts since mummy and daddy were away and it’s a school night for the eldest so I would feel awful if I wasn’t able to get her down to sleep on time.
I do have 2 children, but there is 11 and a half years between them so I never had a phase of caring for multiple very small children and while I’m happy to do it on a Saturday where bedtime can go a bit off plan and it not matter, I’d worry on a school night.

When my mum called this morning I mentioned it to her and my mum has made me feel awful saying considering all they do for me (drive to appointments, cut my grass etc.), it would be a nice small way to say thank you and if son-in-laws mum can do it and she’s in a whole different town, why can’t I.

So AIBU to say no? Am I being selfish and ungrateful since they do things for me? Should I say yes and just see how it goes?

Pretty sure they could afford to pay a babysitter.

Maybe agree for a month to see how it works for you. Let them know you'd like to see how it goes esp whether Monday mornings are OK

You have your daughter come over and mow every Saturday? Why on earth don’t you pay a gardener to do it?

I'm glad you have reconsidered @Asineleen
It sounds like you are very happy to accept help, that may well be an inconvenience to your daughter & husband

I feel strongly in life that if you are happy to take you should be happy to recriprocate.

Perhaps you could have an afternoon lie down on those Sundays before going to their house & be extra organized for the next morning so you can get up as late as possinlble before work?

Posts like these make me v grateful that my life is full & v active at 57 & hope to keep it that way as long as i can

My own mother was v quick to give up & aged v fast in her 60s through inactivity mixed with martyrdom & laziness (loves people fussing around her & 'doing stuff' for her). It's 100% pushed me the other way.

Agree with the majority on here, it's worth a trial. They sound like lovely people who help others a lot (your upbringing no doubt)

As someone who also goes to bed early and typically needs 9 hours of sleep I can understand not wanting to do this. I know a lot of people say 9.30 isnt late but for me that would mean by the time I got home and ready for bed I wouldnt be in bed until half 10 (my usual betime is 9-9.30)
Maybe a compromise at once a month and then they find someone else to baby sit the other night.

As someone who has health issues I understand where your coming from. Maybe just try once if it's to much then it's to much and your dd can't really grumble as you've given it a go. Not something I personally would want to do 3 under 5 is hard work!

Have you read all her posts??

YANBU to choose not to offer as its your individual choice to help out or not help out. If you have health issues then it's totally understandable.
Not everyone is has the luxury and not everyone is lucky enough to be able to do everything they used to do and it is ultimately your choice. If you choose not to I'm sure your daughter will understand of you explain your decision.

As a grandmother of 71 who needs sleep and has some health issues, I think you are being selfish. They help you, they include you in family holidays and you can't even give it a trial.
PS To the person who labelled a whole generation 'selfish boomers', you are just as intolerant as the OP.

I think it’s hard for people to understand clinging to work when you have health issues, as shown on here, and all the ways you have to change life to manage keeping going like a good Sunday night routine - which affects the whole of the week ahead. I know it takes me a while to unwind when I get back home so losing that sleep would be an issue.

Can you have a good conversation about how things are for you OP?

I really don’t think it’s a huge ask. You would be home around 9.30 and if you had everything organised for work before you went there then you could go straight to bed. I wouldn’t hesitate

Maybe they could, maybe they couldn't. But a trusted grandparent, the recipient of numerous favours, lives 10 minutes away. Likewise, OP could use taxis and a gardener.

I think that was a good choice, you might even enjoy it, but if you do have to change your mind or cut back, as least your daughter knows you gave it a go. If you’d have outright refused, they may have been less inclined to add new things to their current list of ways they help you, when you suddenly find yourself in a position of needing more from them. Bear in mind, the son in law is already helping you out by doing a regular chore for your mum too. Most people your age would be the one cutting their own mum’s grass and taking them to appointments. I know you can’t because of your health problems but don’t underestimate that what you see as a favour to her, is also really a favour to you, so it seems fair for you to help them out with this.

I don’t think they are asking a lot and pleased you are giving it a go

2 hours babysitting when the children are in bed and you can't push your bed time to 10pm once a fortnight and still get 8 hours sleep. Yeah I wouldn't be rushing to do you any favours. Some people are happy to take and are very inflexible.

OP already offers childcare on some Saturday nights plus ad hoc childcare when necessary. Why can't that be enough when OP works and has health issues?

If your schedule is full and you're tired that's fair. You could also do every second Friday for those visits to give yourself more downtime.

I think that twice a month, at the times stated, when you have health issues, go to bed before they would be picked up and are at work at 8am on the Monday is a bit much to ask.

I think as you suggested it won't be as easy as it sounds and it certainly won't as the kids get older.

Sometimes you have to accept as a parent you cant do things together. A regular night a week together without the kids is not what anyone I know gets.

Does the other set of grandparents work? As you might well be compared if and when you say no.

Some people have to be inflexible regarding their schedules for their own wellbeing, for various reasons including being autistic or having chronic pain.

It's very clear that many posters here don't have a chronic health condition that affects their mobility and ability to do certain things, nor sufficient empathy. As I know from experience, even exerting yourself in some way for 10 extra minutes can set you back. Sometimes you have to be 'selfish' and stick to boundaries in order to protect your health, and that's advice that health professionals give.

Your daughter knows her mother and her limitations all too well

and yet she thought this was reasonable to ask
as did the OP’s own mother

I think you will need them even more in the years ahead, I’d be doing what i can now.

That's exactly what I was going to say.
If OP is needing help to live her own life at 62 then she's potentially going to need a lot of help in the future.
I would give it a go and see how you get on.

Better than OP herself?