AIBU to refuse regular Sunday evening childcare for my daughter?

[Asineleen]

Good morning all, I’m not sure if i’m being selfish or fair so please be honest.

Context, I’m 62, I have some health issues but I’m generally able to get on with most parts of life, I do find somethings quite overwhelming though.

Last night my DD messaged me, she has 3 children, twins who are 2 and a 4 year old. I love my granddaughters, I love spending time with them and I’m happy to have them occasionally. Currently they come for a sleep over every other month on a Saturday night and I may provide some ad-hoc childcare if and when it’s needed.
DD was asking if I would be happy to come to hers on alternating Sunday nights from 7ish to 9:30ish in the evening. She and her husband want to go to the mixed doubles group at the local tennis club (they already go to ladies and gents night but obviously the other just stays home with the kids).
She said her mother in law has offered to do every other Sunday.
She told me she would make sure the girls were bathed and in bed and they wouldn’t leave until 7:15 and it continues until 9pm then they would be back around 9:15-30.
I live 10 minutes away, DD said she would make sure either she or her DH be able to drive me home.
She said likely the girls wouldn’t be asleep just yet but the twins would be close and I could sit with her eldest and read with her then it would just be manning the house from about 8 onwards.

I said sorry no I can’t. Mostly as I have work at 8am on Mondays, I tend to be in bed for 8-9 most evenings and tbh I just don’t think it would be as easy as she is selling it, I imagine the children would be out of sorts since mummy and daddy were away and it’s a school night for the eldest so I would feel awful if I wasn’t able to get her down to sleep on time.
I do have 2 children, but there is 11 and a half years between them so I never had a phase of caring for multiple very small children and while I’m happy to do it on a Saturday where bedtime can go a bit off plan and it not matter, I’d worry on a school night.

When my mum called this morning I mentioned it to her and my mum has made me feel awful saying considering all they do for me (drive to appointments, cut my grass etc.), it would be a nice small way to say thank you and if son-in-laws mum can do it and she’s in a whole different town, why can’t I.

So AIBU to say no? Am I being selfish and ungrateful since they do things for me? Should I say yes and just see how it goes?

Come on OP dp you never go out on a school night ? You wpuld be home by 9:30 in bed for 10. I really can't see the issue......

Agreed. I came here to mention this. A whole morning or afternoon away from family time every other weekend is a big commitment with such young children.

You're allowed to say no for any reason.

It's tennis. It's not shift work. They can go every other week or get a babysitter.

I am glad you have decided to try the Sunday night baby sitting to help your family out. You seem close to them, they include you in their lives, and support your needs too.

If it proves to be too difficult health wise you can let them know. How it impacts their children’s sleep patterns is their parents’ responsibility.

A one off is very different from a long term commitment.
I'm out.

I hope you aren't in reality a neurodiversitydoctor, as if you are, you should be very familiar with people who get overwhelmed by some things and want and need to stick to a schedule, particularly a sleep schedule, for their own wellbeing.

I get the feeling you'd be fine doing it on the odd occasion but just don't want to make a commitment to doing it. No, you're not being selfish. They can get and pay for a babysitter.

If I were you OP I would tell your dd you are a bit concerned that you are really up for it but would be willing to give it a try for a month to see how it goes. If it were every week I would just say no but every second week might be ok and you might find it is as easy as your dd is selling it.

It sounds like you have a nice relationship with your dd and you are both helpful to each other. I'd probably give it a go but would explain to your dd beforehand that it might not work out.

I would do it as it doesn't sound that difficult and it gives you a chance to bond with your grandchildren.
But you sound like a very anxious person. Do you have other health issues? Having to go to bed at 8 or 9 every night is very unusual for an adult

I don’t think anyone is owed childcare. However I do think it’s a bit mean when they do a lot for you and they’ve planned it out to cause minimal disruption. We also have twin toddlers and my mum when she stays with us often babysits on an evening, we do things like get them changed fed etc before we go and she does milk, teeth, potty and a story it works well and she very rarely has issues. Perhaps you could agree to a trial run and if it proves difficult then you can change your mind but at least you tried it.

I don't go to bed at 8/9pm but I know people who do, particularly those in their 60s who, like the OP, wake at 6am and work.

I don't think the OP sounds like an anxious person, but even if she is, she's allowed to be.

Looking after three children under five when you have health including mobility issues is not easy, given that they will be awake for some of the time.

For 2 hours every other week is nothing considering you barely help at all.

I would say something like -
If I wasn’t working (leaving home at 7? On Mondays to start at 8?) the definitely absolutely yes, while I’m still working how about I try it for the month of September and review it at the end of the month to see how I’m coping?

I’m so impressed with your SIL cutting your grass - and your own mothers grass too…

Not unreasonable at all. I wouldn't want to tie myself down to regular childcare though would be fine with sleepovers every so often or ad hoc emergency childcare for work etc.

I would pay no attention to what your mum said. You offer some support and it seems as though your daughter accepted your no? As you said, Saturday nights are different and you have work Monday morning.

Hear hear

They don’t have a spare room and I really sleep better in my own bed, I’ve told DD, we can trial it, she was very appreciative and said if it’s too much I can just tell her and they will skip every other week.

Good on you OP. A small imposition on you will be a source of great joy and relief for them. They will be better spouses/parents and daughter/SIL as a result.

I would love to be able to do this for dd1 and dd2 but unfortunately we don't live close. I am almost 61 and looking after dgc can be very tiring but it looks like it would only be quiet time with the elder dgd and the twins would be in bed. I have agreed to look after my dgs who is 4 and about to go to school for a couple of days as nursery finishes 2 days before school starts and dd2 and her dh are in work. He is a live wire but at least his sister will be at nursery so it will only be him.

We are on the west coast of Scotland so the grass is still green and growing here!

Or a blessing for him depending on how you are looking at it! 😂

I'd actually say OPs daughter is the one carrying the burden of that, being left alone with the three kids while he swans around being the lawn-mowing hero!

"Relief"?

It's childcare so they can go out for a second night of tennis per week (albeit as a couple), not childcare to allow them to work.

She has work at 8am on Mondays. She doesn't get up at 8am on Mondays.

I think yanbu, I'm amazed at some of the responses on here. Sunday evenings are horrible when you work and you just want to be at home to ensure you are ready and rested for the week ahead.

Yes, I am making a leap here to the parents' work circumstances, but two full time working parents to young children, the grind is relentless. Having a couple of hours where the two of you can be a couple and not be either working, cooking, houseworking or child caring is precious and does wonders for your mental health. So yes. Relief as in respite from the grind.

Your DD sounds so lovely
and her partner too