AIBU to refuse regular Sunday evening childcare for my daughter?

[Asineleen]

Good morning all, I’m not sure if i’m being selfish or fair so please be honest.

Context, I’m 62, I have some health issues but I’m generally able to get on with most parts of life, I do find somethings quite overwhelming though.

Last night my DD messaged me, she has 3 children, twins who are 2 and a 4 year old. I love my granddaughters, I love spending time with them and I’m happy to have them occasionally. Currently they come for a sleep over every other month on a Saturday night and I may provide some ad-hoc childcare if and when it’s needed.
DD was asking if I would be happy to come to hers on alternating Sunday nights from 7ish to 9:30ish in the evening. She and her husband want to go to the mixed doubles group at the local tennis club (they already go to ladies and gents night but obviously the other just stays home with the kids).
She said her mother in law has offered to do every other Sunday.
She told me she would make sure the girls were bathed and in bed and they wouldn’t leave until 7:15 and it continues until 9pm then they would be back around 9:15-30.
I live 10 minutes away, DD said she would make sure either she or her DH be able to drive me home.
She said likely the girls wouldn’t be asleep just yet but the twins would be close and I could sit with her eldest and read with her then it would just be manning the house from about 8 onwards.

I said sorry no I can’t. Mostly as I have work at 8am on Mondays, I tend to be in bed for 8-9 most evenings and tbh I just don’t think it would be as easy as she is selling it, I imagine the children would be out of sorts since mummy and daddy were away and it’s a school night for the eldest so I would feel awful if I wasn’t able to get her down to sleep on time.
I do have 2 children, but there is 11 and a half years between them so I never had a phase of caring for multiple very small children and while I’m happy to do it on a Saturday where bedtime can go a bit off plan and it not matter, I’d worry on a school night.

When my mum called this morning I mentioned it to her and my mum has made me feel awful saying considering all they do for me (drive to appointments, cut my grass etc.), it would be a nice small way to say thank you and if son-in-laws mum can do it and she’s in a whole different town, why can’t I.

So AIBU to say no? Am I being selfish and ungrateful since they do things for me? Should I say yes and just see how it goes?

I haven't cut my grass for nearly three months because of the draught. Are you in the UK?

My mum and dad (retired, in good health) had our daughter when she was a baby a day a week in termtime while I worked. My mum offered. I didn't ask! When she said it was too much we stopped.

For the record, she has a stronger relationship with my sister's kids for whom she didn't provide regular childcare.

yes

That's a good point actually! I think DH cut ours once this year...

As someone who is disabled and has a chronic illness, I think a request that interferes with your bedtime routine in a work night is fine to decline. If you exhaust yourself, you won’t be able to help at all.

Bloke cuts grass every other week. He's "amazing".

OP babysits some Fridays, Saturdays and ad hoc. She's "selfish".

It is your choice. I would be happy to do it? I’d have an earlier night on Monday. Some parents are happy to help, others are not.
You get what you put in. I’d be investing in the relationship with my DGC.

God this post is yet another reminder as to why I am so grateful for mine and my husbands family.

It's just as common in life though isn't it, playing devil's advocate.

If my sister moans about her husband, I sympathise/empathise, but if I think it warrants it I will defend his point of view too.

If my BIL moans to me about my sister I do exactly the same thing but in reverse, often over the same subject .. I see it as the neutral ground to get them to try and see things from each others point of view, rather than just blindly agree with either of them, and that is exactly what happens on MN, it is very normal to advocate for the person who is not there to give their side of the story, because often time the OP isn't really seeing the bigger picture, as is the case here IMO.

So if someone says, "I'm upset because my mum won't help me with childcare", people will defend the person who is not wanting to help, because it's unreasonable to be upset by that, help should not be taken for granted. If a person says they've been asked for help by someone who goes above and beyond for them, but don't want to because it may make their bedtime an hour later(?), they will get posts saying they should help them if they can.

She baby sits one Saturday every other month, which is only 6 times a year. The other times are “ad hoc” but she hasn’t actually mentioned any example of this happening.

So OP babysits approximately 6 to possibly 8 times a year, and the son in law cuts her grass, and her elderly mother’s 26 times by comparison.

I think you should then because it's frankly piss poor that you want all the benefits of having a family to help ylu but you can't be arsed to sit on a sofa for 2 hours once a fortnight to give back.

It seems like one of your main concerns is the kids not going to bed and getting a good nights sleep with school the next day, but honestly that’s up to the parents to manage. I wouldn’t factor that into your decision making- you have a fixed time when you’ll be taken home and getting into bed whatever the kids are getting up to!

Perhaps they could use a spreadsheet, appropriately discounting the time OP put in bringing up the daughter?

Absolutely being unreasonable.

Not babysitting, but the OP also provides dinner - either cooking or getting a delivery - for her DD and the DD's family most Friday nights.

Nothing worse than a parent who thinks a child owes them something because they “had” to bring them up. .

What’s your point?
Her DD visits her on a Friday and OP choses to cook or sometimes gets a takeaway, there’s no suggestion the DD has requested this, it’s hardly a favour to the DD.
I’m sure the DD provides food on occasions when OP goes to their house. It’s such a run off the mill interaction. You can hardly choose to cook food for someone and then moan about it.

Did you get much help from your own parents when your kids were young @Asineleen?

It’s twice a month in their own home. And your reasoning of it being a school night and you being worried is a total cop out. The kids will be fine, even if they go to bed a bit later one night. If you just don’t want to do it then say so, but I think you’re being really unfair and quite feeble.

A lot of people think families don’t owe each other anything and no one should do childcare - if that’s how you feel then that’s how you feel, but it will absolutely be reflected in how they treat you. And it seems they do a lot for you.

Give it a go. If it's too much then you can discuss that.

I do wonder how some people function if they think that minding 3 young kids for a
couple of hours at bedtime is particularly onerous. The OP is 62 and still working, not 102 and despite mentioning health issues she’s not in anyway indicated that she’s decrepit.

I don't know. I think the common view that women's time belongs to other people is pretty bad too.

I’m a bit older than you OP and have grandchildren of a similar age. I also work part time and manage, mostly, to look after myself. I really appreciate help from my family when it is offered, as I’m sure you do. I also have some mobility issues (stairs mostly, horribly arthritis in my knees). I would be reluctant to commit to regularly looking after my grandchildren in the evening because of the safety aspects. And I would be out of action for a week if I had to make multiple trips up and down stairs.
Well done for offering to have a go. A poster on here called you ‘mean spirited’. I thought that was a horrible thing to say. You haven’t said what your health issues are (and why should you) but I totally support your stance.

So at the moment Op has the GDs every other month on a Saturday, provides a meal for all of them most Fridays, does ad hoc childcare.

The parents manage to each play tennis once a week and without Op's input could go together every other Sunday.

That's without anything else that MIL may do.

So overall I don't think that the parents are doing too badly!

People can ask other people to do all sorts of things.

The people asked may say no!

I'd feel bad if I realised I'd pressured someone who didn't want me into helping me.

My point is that the OP provides to their interactions weekly and that they seem to have a good relationship. The OP is not moaning about it.

The OP has a disability and a job and gets overwhelmed by some things. I'm surprised that, given this, you and others are being so scathing towards her. She has a right to say no. Her daughter and son in law then have a right to do less of the OP if they so wish.