AIBU to refuse regular Sunday evening childcare for my daughter?

[Asineleen]

Good morning all, I’m not sure if i’m being selfish or fair so please be honest.

Context, I’m 62, I have some health issues but I’m generally able to get on with most parts of life, I do find somethings quite overwhelming though.

Last night my DD messaged me, she has 3 children, twins who are 2 and a 4 year old. I love my granddaughters, I love spending time with them and I’m happy to have them occasionally. Currently they come for a sleep over every other month on a Saturday night and I may provide some ad-hoc childcare if and when it’s needed.
DD was asking if I would be happy to come to hers on alternating Sunday nights from 7ish to 9:30ish in the evening. She and her husband want to go to the mixed doubles group at the local tennis club (they already go to ladies and gents night but obviously the other just stays home with the kids).
She said her mother in law has offered to do every other Sunday.
She told me she would make sure the girls were bathed and in bed and they wouldn’t leave until 7:15 and it continues until 9pm then they would be back around 9:15-30.
I live 10 minutes away, DD said she would make sure either she or her DH be able to drive me home.
She said likely the girls wouldn’t be asleep just yet but the twins would be close and I could sit with her eldest and read with her then it would just be manning the house from about 8 onwards.

I said sorry no I can’t. Mostly as I have work at 8am on Mondays, I tend to be in bed for 8-9 most evenings and tbh I just don’t think it would be as easy as she is selling it, I imagine the children would be out of sorts since mummy and daddy were away and it’s a school night for the eldest so I would feel awful if I wasn’t able to get her down to sleep on time.
I do have 2 children, but there is 11 and a half years between them so I never had a phase of caring for multiple very small children and while I’m happy to do it on a Saturday where bedtime can go a bit off plan and it not matter, I’d worry on a school night.

When my mum called this morning I mentioned it to her and my mum has made me feel awful saying considering all they do for me (drive to appointments, cut my grass etc.), it would be a nice small way to say thank you and if son-in-laws mum can do it and she’s in a whole different town, why can’t I.

So AIBU to say no? Am I being selfish and ungrateful since they do things for me? Should I say yes and just see how it goes?

Does no-one else see the threads on here where someone takes a neighbour's kid to school and is still doing it years later?

Could be it's not only the gran into guilt tripping...

"I used to play tennis but my mum stopped babysitting" (and I don't want to do it enough to actually pay for childcare).

Starting something reluctantly is easier than stopping.

I'd do it. Once a fortnight, but I would definitely demand one of those grab bags of Maltesers each time I did it. Sounds reasonable ?

Christ, glad you aren’t my mum. twice a month for a couple of hours and you said no?

I’m really surprised at the hard time you’re getting on here @Asineleen

Perfectly fine for you to say no given it would disrupt your Sunday night routine and you get overwhelmed by things.

I’d also be circumspect about them being back by 9:30pm or at least happily, as it would mean they couldn’t have a drink afterwards with the people they were playing with; wanting to socialise would be natural.

I can't beleive some of the responses you're getting here! You already do stuff for them, as they do stuff for you. While you aren't really old, you are absolutely entitled to say no to a request that you don't want to do, whatever the reason. You already brought up your own children, you are due a rest, and their respect.

What a fucking stupid and ignorant comment. Plenty of people with disabilities manage to work when they can't necessarily do other physical things. There are different levels of disability. Some people work from home. Some people my be able to walk a short distance, Some may get funded transport. I know a man who only has the use of one hand and he has his own consulting firm. Nothing is wrong with his brain!

Ignorant attitudes like this put disabled people off trying to find work.

Has anyone noted that this thread has gone the exact opposite of the advice given to the poster who asked her mother to come over one day and help out while she wasn’t feeling well?

That was considered an outrageous expectation.

I think it's fine for the OP to say no. She is not in any way obliged to provide childcare for her grandchildren.

However, we should all be aware that we generally reap what we sow, and declining a pretty modest and reasonable request for help might make her DD and SIL less inclined to put themselves out for the OP in the future. And it might be that she is completely fine with that because she is willing and able to buy in any help that she might need.

Of course, family relationships shouldn't be transactional, but everyone is human and relationships typically rely on give and take from both sides.

@Asineleen - I have only read your posts so if I am repeating someone else’s suggestion, I apologise - but could you offer to pay for a babysitter for them?

Dd only has one hand and can drive and cut the grass.
Attitudes that assume her physically incapable are insulting.

I'm not assuming her physically incapable. I'm saying that the OP has said that her level of disability means she can't drive or cut grass. Depending on her health issues, she might not even legally be allowed to drive.

Also apologies if not clear, my acquaintance can only use one had as in the rest of his limbs are paralysed from a spinal injury. He can move his head and has limited movement in one hand. So definitely no driving or grass cutting, but able to read, write, use his computer, make calls etc.

Personally yeah I’d be disappointed if my mum said no, which she would say no, she has said no to having my 2 for all sorts of bizarre reasons including one time it was 2 days in a row (one hour each time) as a one off, she said no because it was 2 days in a row

it causes resentment and disappointment when you don’t ask for much and what you do ask for gets told no. You of course are within your rights to say no, but if they give you a lot of help on other things, start expecting to be told no for that too. X

I think YABU, selfish even. Don’t come knocking on your daughter’s door when you need help in years to come.

If you really require 9-10 hours of sleep a night then I’d make an appointment with the GP to check you’re actually healthy as that’s not normal for people your age.

Exactly

Mumsnet downright amazes me! It doesn’t matter what you post about, people will respond against you.
There are so many posts about grandparents not helping out etc. and you will always get “they have their own lives, they don’t have to help you, no one should expect free childcare”.
And now look at this post, a grandparent saying that they aren’t up to helping out and everyone is saying the opposite!! Totally baffles me.

Of course you should do it! Just go to bed a bit later and make up for it the next night. Family is precious. You will need their help in a few more years

I don’t think it’s a big ask and I do think yabu considering they seem to do a fair bit for you too. I would expect the amount they help you out to decrease if you say no.

I don't think this sounds too taxing...They will drive you home, the kids will be bathed and mainly in bed /asleep, and it's not every week. You could go straight to bed once you get in. It sounds like they have thought it through and you have said they do stuff for you - surely you'd want to reciprocate every now and then?

Twice a month for a couple of hours is not a huge ask

Tbh I don't think it's a particularly modest request - I'm not saying it's unreasonable for the DD to ask, not at all - because it's a regular and serious commitment and a change in the OP's sleep schedule.

Yes of course it might make the OP's DD and SIL less inclined to "put themselves out for the OP in future" but the OP seems fine with that.

The OP already does things for her DD and the family, like providing them with dinner most Friday nights, it's not as if she takes and doesn't give at all.

Jeez - your daughter is not asking the earth!
Every other Sunday for 2 hours and they’ll be in bed??
I’m a Grandma, older than you and happy to do much more than you’ve described in total. We have a social life so babysitting etc fits in around that quite well, if it doesn’t the in-laws step in.

Glad you're going to give it a go.

Would it be possible to spend those Sunday nights at their house ... once the children are asleep go to bed yourself ... and have one of them drive you back to yours early the next morning?

Because some people are cheeky fuckers who think they are entitled to support with childcare from their parents or PIL. They are not entitled to expect help, and grandparents are 100% at liberty to say no for whatever reason they like. This applies equally to the OP

However, actions have consequences, and if the OP chooses to decline what is actually a pretty modest and reasonable request for no apparent reason, then it is not wildly unrealistic to suggest that this may have an impact on the wider relationship and on the willingness of the OP's DD and SIL to put themselves out for the OP in future.

Nobody has a right to demand that their parents help with childcare. But equally, nobody has the right to demand that their adult children should help them as they get older. The reality is that relationships work best when there is some degree of reciprocity and mutual support - where this is possible, at least.

He sounds like an amazing son in law. I would help them in your position, they're not asking a lot of you

We did do it, we took on childcare for our grandson one day a week and then for our grandson and granddaughter two days a week. When they got funding we gave up but it lasted well over 3 years.

It was exhausting 😞 but we do have a wonderful relationship with the grandchildren who we still take out one day a week in the school holidays. We both have health conditions but we don't work (retired). I would say, give it a go, have a trial run for a month or two and if it doesn't work, you did your best and nobody can blame you for that.