AIBU to refuse regular Sunday evening childcare for my daughter?

[Asineleen]

Good morning all, I’m not sure if i’m being selfish or fair so please be honest.

Context, I’m 62, I have some health issues but I’m generally able to get on with most parts of life, I do find somethings quite overwhelming though.

Last night my DD messaged me, she has 3 children, twins who are 2 and a 4 year old. I love my granddaughters, I love spending time with them and I’m happy to have them occasionally. Currently they come for a sleep over every other month on a Saturday night and I may provide some ad-hoc childcare if and when it’s needed.
DD was asking if I would be happy to come to hers on alternating Sunday nights from 7ish to 9:30ish in the evening. She and her husband want to go to the mixed doubles group at the local tennis club (they already go to ladies and gents night but obviously the other just stays home with the kids).
She said her mother in law has offered to do every other Sunday.
She told me she would make sure the girls were bathed and in bed and they wouldn’t leave until 7:15 and it continues until 9pm then they would be back around 9:15-30.
I live 10 minutes away, DD said she would make sure either she or her DH be able to drive me home.
She said likely the girls wouldn’t be asleep just yet but the twins would be close and I could sit with her eldest and read with her then it would just be manning the house from about 8 onwards.

I said sorry no I can’t. Mostly as I have work at 8am on Mondays, I tend to be in bed for 8-9 most evenings and tbh I just don’t think it would be as easy as she is selling it, I imagine the children would be out of sorts since mummy and daddy were away and it’s a school night for the eldest so I would feel awful if I wasn’t able to get her down to sleep on time.
I do have 2 children, but there is 11 and a half years between them so I never had a phase of caring for multiple very small children and while I’m happy to do it on a Saturday where bedtime can go a bit off plan and it not matter, I’d worry on a school night.

When my mum called this morning I mentioned it to her and my mum has made me feel awful saying considering all they do for me (drive to appointments, cut my grass etc.), it would be a nice small way to say thank you and if son-in-laws mum can do it and she’s in a whole different town, why can’t I.

So AIBU to say no? Am I being selfish and ungrateful since they do things for me? Should I say yes and just see how it goes?

and if they said they couldn’t do it I would of course do so.

He volunteers to do it.

He volunteers to do it because he doesn't want to see you struggle or have to pay for a service he is perfectly able to provide.. they are never going to say they can't/won't do it because it would put you at a disadvantage.. they also take you to appointments, and help you in other ways, you also have a active social life with them, which sounds mutually enjoyable.

They sound like thoroughly decent people and I would absolutely be doing this for them. They are prepared to do all the hard work of bath and bed, all you've got to do is be there!

So what if the eldest doesn't go to sleep until they get home at 9/9:30? it's not the end of the world!

Read the OP's update.

It sounds like your daughter and son in law do a lot more for you than you do for them. And they are the ones with 3 small children. It’s a shame that you don’t seem to want to help your family more especially when you live so close. Your daughter is asking for just 4 hours a month (and maybe less during winter if tennis is off then) - from what you’ve said they do more than that for you.

What did your Dd say when you said no?

You can say no but also be prepared for the lifts back and fourth and grass cutting to be reduced if they are that kind of people.

YANBU.

This isn’t for work , this is for leisure time. It makes me sad when I read on here about how grandparents are expected to give up their time to care for grandchildren. You have bought your own children up, this is your time.

I am 40 and like to be in bed by 9/930 on work nights - If I’m not I am crabby the next day. There is no way I would commit to being up until 10pm on a Sunday evening ( realistically by the time they get home and drop you home that would be the earliest time you would be getting into bed ) .

It doesn't sound that bad. Can you not offer to do a night when you don't have work the next day.

Your mother knows you better than any of us and if she thinks you should help then maybe you should.
They do a lot for you seeing as you are only my age and your needs will only become more the older you get.
I think you should get out of your comfort zone and give it a go at least.

Yeah you're being a selfish miserable bitch but that's your right to be so crack on. If I was your daughter I'd stop doing fuck all for you in return though.

I'd already read all her posts, what do you think I'm missing?

She said she'd give it a go. Not convincingly it has to be said.

Could you sleep over at theirs so you don’t have to wait for them to get back before you go back to yours?

I have health issues, work full-time with 8am start every day so get up 5.30am so dog can be walked before work etc, love an early night but would do this for my DGC's if it was only every other week.

I think you are being a bit mean to say no especially as it's only for a couple of hours while they attend a sporting activity, it's not like they're out on the lash.