AIBU to expect my brother to do more for our 81yo mum after surgery?

[CornflowerPoppy]

Hi all, need a reality check because I am drowning and currently at my absolute wit’s end. I spent last night sobbing on the phone to NHS 111 mental health option.

My 81 year old mum had a severe arm fracture requiring major surgery in June. Since then, I’ve basically been her sole 24/7 carer. Running back and forth in heatwaves, managing GP triage forms, collecting prescriptions, dealing with severe post-op nausea, rapid response teams, and general recovery. I don't drive, so getting prescriptions or taking her to appointments involves hour-long walks or public transport nightmare journeys.

My brother (DB) lives 25 minutes away, has a car, but does the absolute bare minimum. He pops in occasionally for an hour for a lunch and a chat (I make the lunches), then leaves.

I have told my brother and his wife how extremely isolated and depressed I am feeling, and he just gazed blankly at me and then left as soon as he had finished his lunch.

The straw that broke the camel's back: I just found out DB and his new wife have gone off on a week's holiday to the coast. Mum has been begging to go to the seaside for years - a simple 45-minute drive for DB, which is virtually impossible for me on public transport with an elderly, recovering woman, given the heatwave train cancellations and her discomfort
.
When I brought it up in the family group chat, SIL piped up to say it’s a family holiday paid for by her parents, and that it’s "not a holiday where we bring outside people."

OUTSIDE PEOPLE! My mum - DB's own mother who is currently in crisis - referred to as an "outside person."

I asked if DB could at least take Mum for a day trip to the coast or somewhere local when he’s back, since he drives and it’s a 30-min drive vs a nearly 2-hour journey for me on public transport. I’ve just been met with total silence.

I am exhausted, isolated, and doing literally everything while he swan-dives out of all responsibility and his wife treats my mum like a distant acquaintance.
AIBU to expect him to step up, drive her to appointments, and take on actual caring duties instead of treating this like all my job?!

do you live with her and are normally her carer? How does she manage when you’re at work?
did she have a care assessment in hospital?

Tbh you need to take a huge step back.

It sounds like your mum needs substantial care which her family are unable to provide.

I've been staying with her since a deterioration in her health last year - when I'm working I set up everything so it's all laid out for her, and I've moved to working freelance in order to be able to attend appointments (which has meant a massive change in income for me). She had a care assessment in the hospital - they basically set up physio appointments but that is it

I’m sorry your brother and wife are being so awful. It’s clear to me you need more help from social services and you need to push for this.

I'm sorry but I've voted that YABU. I get why you are angry with your brother, I really do. However, nobody should be expected to be a carer for elderly parents. It is time for you to get the care system involved before you burn out.

The hospital should have put a care package in place before discharge. That would cover the basics then you could provide the extras to improve her life.

Please organise this rather than running yourself ragged. Did you just tell the hospital you'd do it all? Why?

Does mum have funds to pay for taxis or external help?

Your brother sounds selfish and I'd hope family would do more but you should not exoect it.

Unfortunately, you have set yourself up as the 'willing horse' and your brother will not step up. Please don't think I don't empathise: I do. I used to feel that way about my SIL and my FIL. DH does everything and I help him. We both work full time, SIL is unemployed. It used to absolutely enrage me but I am consciously taking a step back and encouraging DH to do the same. Nobody's life should be taken over by care of the elderly.

I know it's a drop in the ocean but can you get her signed up for automatic free prescription delivery? Easy to set up and I think some places even organise the pills for you.

Otherwise I think you need to sit down with your brother and a list of tasks and get him to go through it and come up with a fair division of labour - if he's not willing to step up himself there may be things he can pay for e.g. cleaner, meal delivery service.

Sadly, there is no way to oblige him to do that. There is no legal obligation for children to care for parents, nor should there be.

This, what funds/income does your dm have? What were
her plans for when she needed care?

And when he says no what is the next step?

Can your mum afford to pay for care? If so you need to set up some external help.

She absolutely refuses. She argues against it. She doesn't care about the impact on me, she'll say I'm 'depressed anyway'

You don't have a brother problem, you have a mum problem. Let me guess, he's the golden child. This doesn't surprise me at all.

If you step back then she will have to accept it.

You could arrange a holiday or an “illness” whereby care has to be put in place. It’s really up to you at this point. You either put boundaries in place or carry on martyring yourself.

So kindly, your problem is your mum not your brother.

You are her plan for care in her old age and she doesn't care about the impact on you.

Move out and live your own life. Be available as a loving daughter not a 24/7 carer.

Sorry I missed this post.

Tell her you have to move back home and you are putting a care package in place.

Just do it. You don’t have to carry on like this unless you want to.

Yes, you are right. Thank you

Then you step back. You tell her she needs to accept help and if she refuses you contact adult social care and ask for an assessment.

She is letting you go through this knowing what it’s doing to you.
This is not your responsibility, this is not your job.
Her having help means you can return to being her daughter if you want to, and not her unpaid assistant.

She can't just refuse OP, if that means you need to do it all. You need to start saying no.

Your brother is not the problem here, you are. Stop being a martyr. Your mother only gets to refuse at the moment because you're being a mug. Go home and get carers in.

What if she says that she "gave up everything" for me, as she often does? I feel completely worn out

So what? She can say whatever she wants, you don't need to listen.

Sadly often falls to one to provide the care! My parents live 40 minutes away from my nan (she moved to be nearer dad’s sister who never lifts a finger to help!) and mum & dad do 99.9%! Nan does have carers who do the intimate care and dressing etc but mum and dad do all shopping handling bills etc while his sister does fuck all!!

Re the holiday if your sil’s family have paid for it then she’s right they can’t take along extra people however they should take her out for a day.

What is their work? You say you’re freelance so I just wondered if they are both full time office based for example it would make it more difficult to help.

I think you probably really need to contact social services or look at a care company if you can’t manage as it sounds like you brother and sister in law can’t be relied upon to help. Make sure brother knows that this will come out of any inheritance that’s available which may change his tune!!

Just nod, smile and ignore
Get care in place, prescriptions and shopping can be delivered