AIBU to expect my brother to do more for our 81yo mum after surgery?

[CornflowerPoppy]

Hi all, need a reality check because I am drowning and currently at my absolute wit’s end. I spent last night sobbing on the phone to NHS 111 mental health option.

My 81 year old mum had a severe arm fracture requiring major surgery in June. Since then, I’ve basically been her sole 24/7 carer. Running back and forth in heatwaves, managing GP triage forms, collecting prescriptions, dealing with severe post-op nausea, rapid response teams, and general recovery. I don't drive, so getting prescriptions or taking her to appointments involves hour-long walks or public transport nightmare journeys.

My brother (DB) lives 25 minutes away, has a car, but does the absolute bare minimum. He pops in occasionally for an hour for a lunch and a chat (I make the lunches), then leaves.

I have told my brother and his wife how extremely isolated and depressed I am feeling, and he just gazed blankly at me and then left as soon as he had finished his lunch.

The straw that broke the camel's back: I just found out DB and his new wife have gone off on a week's holiday to the coast. Mum has been begging to go to the seaside for years - a simple 45-minute drive for DB, which is virtually impossible for me on public transport with an elderly, recovering woman, given the heatwave train cancellations and her discomfort
.
When I brought it up in the family group chat, SIL piped up to say it’s a family holiday paid for by her parents, and that it’s "not a holiday where we bring outside people."

OUTSIDE PEOPLE! My mum - DB's own mother who is currently in crisis - referred to as an "outside person."

I asked if DB could at least take Mum for a day trip to the coast or somewhere local when he’s back, since he drives and it’s a 30-min drive vs a nearly 2-hour journey for me on public transport. I’ve just been met with total silence.

I am exhausted, isolated, and doing literally everything while he swan-dives out of all responsibility and his wife treats my mum like a distant acquaintance.
AIBU to expect him to step up, drive her to appointments, and take on actual caring duties instead of treating this like all my job?!

I could have written your thread almost word for word, except my brother is awful and mum's a bit younger. I may end up burning out soon and then he'll be forced to deal with it.
The worst part, is he is stupidly popular within his own community because he appears to be helpful to others. Only his own family see him for who he really is.

Ultimately nothing will change until you put some boundaries in place, because sadly
it seems the other adults in your family prioritise themselves. Now it’s time
for you to follow their lead for the sake of your mental health. You can tell them you’ve been crying out for support and unfortunately it’s now reached a point where you physically cannot continue and will need to move out. You can add on it’s a shame no one was willing to offer support before it came to this.
While you make arrangements to move you can write a list of all the support you currently provide and give your mother and brother a copy saying this is the support they are going to need to replace while you are taking time
from caring to recover from burn out. Perhaps you could also book a couple of nights in a hotel just to get a break before you can leave.

This is it! The bit about appearing helpful! It is so, so, so infuriating. Last time he visited, my brother thanked me graciously, "thank you for everything you do" but it sounded like a Downton Abbey lord thanking a servant and it made me feel worse.

It is usually best if one person oversees the medical care of an elderly parent, and they communicate to rest of family what your mother is happy to share.
You are that person.
You need to admit that you can not cope and that you need help.

Spell it out to DB.
Make a list of ali things you are coping with and another list with things you don't find easy.
Ask DB specifically if he would help by taking charge of certain things - driving, collecting medication etc etc.
Ask him to brain storm with you about how to do things you both can not do.
Is it time to employ an aged care service?
A pharmacy that delivers?
A taxi service?

Can DB help facilitate the out sourcing?
Cease doing every care task.
Share DM full calendar of appointments.
Ask DB to mark a day trip to the seaside too.

Please stop doing it, you do have a choice.

Your mum only 'gave up everything for you' to create a servant for herself, she did it for herself not you!

She sounds abusive. You'll need to develop a thicker skin and leave. You can still help out or completely remove yourself. Yes, your family will blame you, you'll be called selfish, etc, etc. So what?

This sounds like the push you need to escape. You've still time to have a great life.

I mean this kindly but your brother is doing the right thing. No one should be forced to care for an elderly relative.

You need to step back, move back to your own home and get Social Work to put in a care package.

There is no point putting yourself in an early grave.

Then you need to tell her she has no option. Your mum is being selfish. I know strangers in the house etc are daunting for the elderly, we went through it with FIL, but you cannot burn out here. You burn out then she would get no help at all.

There are things you can do. Prescriptions can be delivered by your local pharmacy, so one trip saved. Shopping can be delivered. You can ring your local council and get the home set up with walking aids, bed in a room near a loo or whatever it is you may think will help.
You can get meals on wheels delivered. As for a carer for a few hours a week and don't let your mum say no. Am sorry OP, being a carer personally is one of the toughest jobs going and am sorry your brother and your mum are not helping you. You've got to get tough now.

It's no good doing that if the brother isn't willing to. I know that from experience. The lazy/apathetic ones just stare blankly.

of course it would be lovely if they took her to the seaside for a week but in reality life is not like that.

@Doingtheboxerbeat that sound uncannily like our family member! Reputation for being helpful but doesn’t actually do anything. The only difference is we live a long way away so only so much of the burden can fall on us.

OP as others have said you need to move out and make other arrangements for your mum’s care. Don’t let it take over your life. Our elderly relative has carers, cleaner, gardener, shopping and prescriptions delivered. Look into attendance allowance as well to help with financing.

I actually sympathise with them on that one, if I'm honest. It was a holiday for them, not for the mother.

Sorry op, but I did too. You need to take a massive step back. You don’t have to do this. He doesn’t either. What he chooses to do or not do, does not have anything to do with what you choose to do.
ps I’m not saying it’s easy, I’m not. But this situation is not your brothers fault, and if you burn out from doing too much, that isn’t either.

You can't (and shouldn't) force someone to help with elderly care.

If OP can't cope then they need to get carers in. That's normal.

Who will force him too? Why doesn’t your parent want formal carers either? They don’t want to pay or just expect you to?

Hi op. That sounds really tough. It’s important you take steps now to care for yourself a bit and prevent burnout - a good start would be a carer’s assessment. Info here: https://www.carersuk.org/help-and-advice/practical-support/carers-assessment/
You should also consider registering with your local carers support organisation who may have practical tools and information that can help.

Could you speak to social services and get emergency temporary placement for her to give you respite? Or could self fund?

I know she may not be keen, but she also has to see your perspective and that you are not coping.

You may sound incredibly selfish, but there’s no way I would cope doing any of that And I’ve told my mother that if she gets to that point, she will need to go into placement.

Whilst I understand your brother could do more, I also think he's just protecting his boundaries, he doesn't have to take your mum om holiday with him, yes it would be nice if he took her on a day trip or similar.

I think your problem is your mum refusal to have carers, that's fine and its her choice, but it doesn't mean you and your brother need to sacrifice your physical and mental health because she doesn't want carers. You need to decide what you can do and stick to it, ask your brother what he can do, tell your mum and provide her with options on how to fill the gaps. But stick with what you choose to do.

I've sacrificed a lot for my children, I do not expect care in my old age.

Obviously there is no way that the DB can be made to step up.
But I would be confronting him with the list of everything that DM needs and asking what he's going to do and which he's going to organise someone else to do. When he says none of them then ask him exactly why he thinks it's OK that he does nothing and OP does everything. He needs to be made to feel the guilt.

I agree with everyone here - your mother and brother are cut from the same cloth and neither will change.

why on earth are you making him and hide lunch!

sit them both down and explain this isn’t working for you. You can’t afford to be a full time carer - either emotionally or financially.

so your mother will have to find another arrangement. You will help set it up - but you are done.

and follow through. Move out. Visit as often and you feel is appropriate. Your brother won’t step up - so don’t include him in the new arrangements.

Thanks so much everyone, you are right. This isn't a normal or reasonable situation as things stand

It won't stop until YOU make it stop. Drop the rope. Step back. Be away for a fortnight. If she refuses to accept professional assistance then so be it.

Read up about FOG (fear, obligation and guilt).

Practice emotional detachment.

Decide what you are, and importantly are not, prepared to do and set your boundaries in cast iron.

If she starts up with the emotional blackmail tell her you're sorry she feels that way and stay firm. You are not responsible for her life, her decisions, or her happiness.

Agree with PP that you do need to step back and insist on outside help for your Mum, no matter how much she resists. She is being completely unreasonable. That could be some respite care to give you a week or more break and/or daily carers to manage some of the more physical aspects of her care.

Have a chat with mum, explain to her how it feels to you and when your mum makes her will, make sure it says 'nothing should be left to the outside people, only family, which is solely you - your mum and you are the family'.

Leave your brother alone - he won't help, no matter your exhortations, save your nerves.

He could do more and should but I think the holiday is a red herring. they're allowed a holiday with her family.

Saying she gave up everything for you is manipulation. She is making you feel guilty and it’s working. You have a choice and she is selfish .
And one more thing. This is one of those situations where her savings goes to pay for her care if needed and not given to her son or Dil in her will who may just be waiting for it . After all , outsiders don’t count .