AIBU to expect my brother to do more for our 81yo mum after surgery?

[CornflowerPoppy]

Hi all, need a reality check because I am drowning and currently at my absolute wit’s end. I spent last night sobbing on the phone to NHS 111 mental health option.

My 81 year old mum had a severe arm fracture requiring major surgery in June. Since then, I’ve basically been her sole 24/7 carer. Running back and forth in heatwaves, managing GP triage forms, collecting prescriptions, dealing with severe post-op nausea, rapid response teams, and general recovery. I don't drive, so getting prescriptions or taking her to appointments involves hour-long walks or public transport nightmare journeys.

My brother (DB) lives 25 minutes away, has a car, but does the absolute bare minimum. He pops in occasionally for an hour for a lunch and a chat (I make the lunches), then leaves.

I have told my brother and his wife how extremely isolated and depressed I am feeling, and he just gazed blankly at me and then left as soon as he had finished his lunch.

The straw that broke the camel's back: I just found out DB and his new wife have gone off on a week's holiday to the coast. Mum has been begging to go to the seaside for years - a simple 45-minute drive for DB, which is virtually impossible for me on public transport with an elderly, recovering woman, given the heatwave train cancellations and her discomfort
.
When I brought it up in the family group chat, SIL piped up to say it’s a family holiday paid for by her parents, and that it’s "not a holiday where we bring outside people."

OUTSIDE PEOPLE! My mum - DB's own mother who is currently in crisis - referred to as an "outside person."

I asked if DB could at least take Mum for a day trip to the coast or somewhere local when he’s back, since he drives and it’s a 30-min drive vs a nearly 2-hour journey for me on public transport. I’ve just been met with total silence.

I am exhausted, isolated, and doing literally everything while he swan-dives out of all responsibility and his wife treats my mum like a distant acquaintance.
AIBU to expect him to step up, drive her to appointments, and take on actual caring duties instead of treating this like all my job?!

She doesn’t get any brownie points for that that’s what she’s supposed to do as a parent. And you can’t be mad at your brother for not stepping up. Children shouldn’t be obligated to care for parents

If you read the elderly parent threads you will find that siblings who don't do as much as posters think they should is a common theme. There is no point ranting about it or hoping it will change. People have different attitudes to their parents, perhaps based on their own personal experiences as a child, perhaps just choice of priorities. For some people it is in their nature to be very caring and giving, for others it is not. All you can do is make your own decisions about what you personally can or cannot do. It sounds as though the following might help you:
get outside carers in to do some of the tasks you are currently doing (perhaps through SS if funds are an issue)
use taxis or Ubers for appointments,
or enquire about NHS transport for hospital appointments (if funds are an issue)
when your DM is fully recovered find out about coach holidays to the coast, either for her to go on alone or for you to accompany her.
I think YABVU to have expected DB to take your DM on holiday - it would hardly have been a holiday with an elderly disabled woman to care for, it was their holiday not one for your DM.
I have lived through stuff like this with my own elderly parents and siblings and I would advise you not to fall out with siblings over it. Mostly people muddle along as best they can, often faced with unreasonable expectations from parents, until a crisis precipitates a major change, like admission to a care or nursing home.
Good luck, and please look after your own health. You should not give up your life and health to become the 100% 24/7 carer for elderly parent.

This is a great idea, thanks. No money involved, sadly.

Her brother should not be guilted into doing something he does not want to do?

He had his inheritance early. The more I think about it, the more outraged I am.

And he used guilt to get it. I'm so exasperated I feel like laughing in anger.

That's exactly why he isn't doing anything, there are no consequences for him since he's already had the money. There is no point trying to get him to help, you are wasting your effort and making yourself more angry and frustrated.

Why are you angry at him and not at your mother?

He used guilt to manipulate her, she hasn't processed or understood what happened, probably sees him as the golden boy. And is venting all her frustrations at you by using guilt to manipulate you.
Try to understand the dynamics of the situation, and try not to respond to her guilt tripping.

did he know there was guilt strings attached? If no money now, has she had her benefits looked at?

They also don't necessarily know the full picture.

When my dad is one of two siblings. His brother was in the army and we lived 200 miles from gran.
First time gran was ill his brother was in Hong Kong with the army. We travelled up every weekend and spent the two days with her in hospital.
She told everyone that dad hadn't been near her and brother was doing everything and was the most amazing son.
A few years later she was seriously ill again and brother was stationed about 10 miles from the hospital. He called in every day, either on his own or with family. We went up every 2-3 weeks, and on those weekends his brother would spend the time mowing gran's lawn and doing work on the house for when she returned.
This time she told everyone that we were amazing and coming all the time, whereas brother was lazy and refusing to do anything...

No, she hadn't got them confused.
Most of the time they thought it funny, but they did get irritated when carers decided to take them to task, in one case one of them got our home phone number and phoned regularly to berate dad.

You snap back with “that’s the deal when you choose to be a mum. I love you very much and appreciate what you do for me. I can’t keep on doing everything though- you have a choice to make: I can do X,Y and Z, or I can do absolutely nothing. “

Hi OP. I am a carer for DH and I really understand how hard caring is. I am afraid it is very often the case that relatives disappear when care is required and very often it is us as women that get stuck with care. You need to insist that your brother gives you time off. If he cannot do week days he needs to cover at least one day at the weekend, or a carer needs to be organised. I understand your mum indulges in emotional blackmail, but you need time off you are exhausted. This position is not sustainable.

I had a similar experience with my sister who point blank refused to help at all.
Mum had done so much for her when her children were little yet she couldn't bring herself to visit more than once every 3 months or so, despitel literally living 5 minutes away.
I accepted it, but it maassively changed the way I felt about her, now mum's dead I can pretty much be nc with her now. I certainly won't be rushing to support her in her old age!

So finishing my answer. I have seen that DM in this case is refusing carers. We were sort of in that situation. We just insisted. My DSis and I were in agreement. OP Is there anyway you could get your brother to agree that this is unsustainable? That mum needs more paid care. You are not asking him to step up, just that need to move back home.

I really do also want you to go on a little holiday yourself. You seem to need a rest even if it is just two nights away. Then go home.

Set a date and stick to it. Mum I am going back home next Sunday. Stock up the fridge, empty the wash basket. Go! Book your trip.

If things don’t work out for Mum, adult social care will need to step in. OP visit your Mum in the same way that your brother does. But don’t feel guilty for refusing any request for anything else. It is not your responsibility. You answer any request with “I can’t, my health is suffering”.

A last piece of advice: your mum’s health will only get worse ) because aging happens to all of us) so the sooner you get her organized help the better.

I don't think that OP can insist that her brother does anything. Caring for a spouse is a little different, (although if anything even more exhausting and I take my hat off to you!) in that it is sort of your responsibility 'in sickness and in health'.

It’s perfectly normal for your mum to be resistant to care, many of us will feel the same despite how we think we might be , but it doesn’t mean she doesn’t have to accept some whether she likes it or not . A cleaner , an online shop , a carer perhaps to help washing or whatever it will reduce your load . Get her to ask her GP for some antidepressants for a while to support her because it’s a massive change to lose your independence and feel you are a burden to everyone .

Whilst caring for a spouse is indeed different I do not think that families can just abandon their parents. You either need to make sure they are in a good care home, provide external care at home or do some or all of it yourself I do not think the brother gets to do nothing

Says who? Parents aren't owed care, although if they have been good parents it is nice to look after them a bit. The brother clearly has no intention of doing anything to help, so it is no point saying that he 'doesn't get to opt out'. He can. He has, and the OP can't make him do what he doesn't want to do. At the moment, her energy is (understandably but unproductively) focussed on how unfair he is being, when she should really be stepping back from her mother in a big way.

Honestly? Either stop providing the care or start billing her for it. Seriously. Even if it will come out of the estate ... she'll either see reason about bringing in help OR your brother will kick off and maybe step up himself. That will also be telling ... bet he's the favoured child as well.

Well that's extremely selfish of her.

Go home. Your brother has the right idea. There is no need for you to do all this.

But this is not about money is it?

You’re knackered and do not want to / can not care for your mother alone.
you cannot make your brother do anything.

is one concern now that if you start paying for care there might be nothing left for you to get hold of ?

this is of your mums making - don’t let her bully you into submission.

Suggest you get a chemist who will deliver her prescriptions ... will save time/effort.

Come and join us on THIS THREAD @CornflowerPoppy

Sorry OP. Sort of similar situation here, but two very elderly parents two hundred miles from me, and five thousand miles from my brother. I do feel resentment and spend all my annual leave and most weekends going up and down the motorway. But my brother does feel guilty and is at least generous with money, so when we've needed things like a stair lift or an electric bed he has paid for these. It is what it is and you can't make people do more, but I know how tired you are and the impact low level continual worry and stress has on mental health. I jump when the phone rings.

Your mum needs carers. Is she getting attendance allowance? My oldies are very independent but have finally accepted carers for my mum twice a week to help her have a shower, and a falls alarm, and a cleaner. You can't go on as you are and something has to change.