AIBU to expect my brother to do more for our 81yo mum after surgery?

[CornflowerPoppy]

Hi all, need a reality check because I am drowning and currently at my absolute wit’s end. I spent last night sobbing on the phone to NHS 111 mental health option.

My 81 year old mum had a severe arm fracture requiring major surgery in June. Since then, I’ve basically been her sole 24/7 carer. Running back and forth in heatwaves, managing GP triage forms, collecting prescriptions, dealing with severe post-op nausea, rapid response teams, and general recovery. I don't drive, so getting prescriptions or taking her to appointments involves hour-long walks or public transport nightmare journeys.

My brother (DB) lives 25 minutes away, has a car, but does the absolute bare minimum. He pops in occasionally for an hour for a lunch and a chat (I make the lunches), then leaves.

I have told my brother and his wife how extremely isolated and depressed I am feeling, and he just gazed blankly at me and then left as soon as he had finished his lunch.

The straw that broke the camel's back: I just found out DB and his new wife have gone off on a week's holiday to the coast. Mum has been begging to go to the seaside for years - a simple 45-minute drive for DB, which is virtually impossible for me on public transport with an elderly, recovering woman, given the heatwave train cancellations and her discomfort
.
When I brought it up in the family group chat, SIL piped up to say it’s a family holiday paid for by her parents, and that it’s "not a holiday where we bring outside people."

OUTSIDE PEOPLE! My mum - DB's own mother who is currently in crisis - referred to as an "outside person."

I asked if DB could at least take Mum for a day trip to the coast or somewhere local when he’s back, since he drives and it’s a 30-min drive vs a nearly 2-hour journey for me on public transport. I’ve just been met with total silence.

I am exhausted, isolated, and doing literally everything while he swan-dives out of all responsibility and his wife treats my mum like a distant acquaintance.
AIBU to expect him to step up, drive her to appointments, and take on actual caring duties instead of treating this like all my job?!

I'm sorry your brother has been so awful.

But the thing is, you can't pour from an empty cup. If your mum has money, you need to help her get carers/cleaners/drivers arranged. You can't, and shouldn't be expected to, do everything.

Sadly, I speak for some experience. In my year before my dad died, he needed a lot of care and support, and my older sister, who lives 45 minutes closer to them than do, pretty much flat out refused to do anything. It was all on me.
And when he died, sister refused to have any part in planning his funeral, so it was down to me, mum (the grieving widow) and my dads older brother who lived 5 hours drive away, to sort it all out.

I've come to the sad conclusion that when it's mums turn, it'll all be on me. Sister won't do anything. I'll do what I need to do in order to be able to sleep at night. Sadly, sister won't even bat an eye.

I assume you are not married yourself OP / no kids?

I don’t ask that to be horrible but there is a weird expectation that the single daughter (always the daughter, never the sons) should always be on hand to do all elder care even when the married son actually had capacity to do more.

Tell your brother he is breathtakingly selfish and say you want to discuss a proper plan for him to do more (even if it’s not 50%).

Go to ypur DMs GP surgery, tell them your DM is currently house bound
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Sorry I just saw this. This changes my view slightly. Your brother is selfish but your mother is unreasonable.

I would stop giving her the choice. You need to step back and say she is going to have to spend some of her money to help you with care, including a cleaner to help take the load off you.

There is no way to force anyone take on caring responsibilities if they choose not to do so.

If she says that remind her that motherhood was a choice she made when she decided to have children. I made that same comment to my dad when he whined that his kids (of which he has 14) “cost him money”.

I know.

Your DM should apply for attendance allowance asap
It is not means tested
Money can be spent on anything to make her life easier

https://www.gov.uk/attendance-allowance

Your is his own person brother and has a unique relationship with your mother. Both things are going to influence his willingness to be closely involved in care.

You are wasting your time and mental health focusing on your brother. You need to set boundaries for yourself. Decide how much you can do and outsource the rest.

If your mother doesn’t want help, you have to leave her to deal with the consequences. She is an adult. She does not have the right to exhaust you.

The situation you have right now could leave you getting too ill to provide any care for your mother at all. You aren’t doing what is best for her by giving in to her demands.

She truly does need an advocate and general care manager. You need to keep yourself healthy enough to be there for her in that capacity.

Tough. You’re not coping. Your mum will have to accept care from elsewhere.

Do only what you are willing and able to do and stop asking your brother. He isn’t obliged to help and sounds sensible keeping out of your mums guilt tripping.

It's horrible, I'm in the same position, mother with dementia, sibling never visits and is currently on holiday yet again whilst I'm there several times a week, do all the shopping, arrange carers, admin, finance, medical appointments, get phoned up when mum goes wandering, have the daily worry of everything and am stressed and feeling ill from it all. "Nobody should be expected to care for elderly parents ", what should we do then, just leave them to injure themselves and die of starvation?

@IsItWickedNotToCare it sounds like your mother needs to be in a care home now.

Thanks. There are some cases where parents have been abusive and children might justifiably ut contact. In the normal course of things my values would that you do owe a duty of care to see that your parents are well looked after. It is lear we have a very different values set.

Depending where you are, I'm not sure there are care packages to be had. A 92 yr old with terminal cancer was sent home recently. I know because we play Scrabble together, she lives in my village, in a flat, on her own. No care package. Fortunately she has a large family and is mentally sharp. Her family have stepped up with meals and friends help with all sorts.

It’s not clear whether that’s the case.
We don’t know if she’s just an 81 year old who has broken her arm and is temporarily unable to do things for herself or if she’s generally feeble, immobile or confused.
She doesn’t sound very nice to be honest, laying guilt trips on OP etc.
She can certainly express her preferences verbally.

And your DM is letting you do all this?
Does she have money for carers or respite? If not, has she got onto SS.
Refusing carers? Well then I’m with your brother.
Your anger and resentment is misplaced.

You could be describing my DH and his sister. SIL is 70, DH 75 and MIL 91.
He has never been particularly close to his family. Lots of stuff over the years which has led to him only seeing his Mum on her birthday and Christmas.
She fell ill at the start of the year and was in local hospital for 6 weeks. SIL felt that she should have a visitor every day "so that hospital knew someone cared about her' DH visited several times a week. MIL is very sharp and revelled in all the attention.
Having dealt with my own Mum and knowing how the care system works it was obvious SIL was creating her own issues. MIL is now home and after 6 weeks of free outside carers has decided she can cope without them. SIL still running herself ragged but feels she cannot stop because she would feel terrible if MIL dies. DH received constant texts from SIL describing how tough she was finding thing, he only has one mother,cancelled her holiday etc but wouldn't accept that perhaps she should step back and reinstate paid carers.

You them pay for the help they need. Just as we paid childcare etc.

There’s no way I will become a carer for my parents.

The person I tagged is not the OP though. We're talking about a different woman.

Duplicate deleted

You tell her 'that was your choice, but I won't be making the same mistake'.

Sorry, my mistake. That’s what comes from skim reading

This is such a tough and difficult situation

But isn’t it your mother who is wrong here? She won’t get carers, she won’t spend money and she ‘doesn’t care about the effect on you’… so isn’t that the actual problem?

OP, you'll have to let your mother be visited by the consequences of her choices. If she wont have carers then no caring will be done. If she wont spend her money then she'll not have the things which the money might have bought her.
Lay down your tools & walk off the job, you are not her slave.