AIBU to expect my brother to do more for our 81yo mum after surgery?

[CornflowerPoppy]

Hi all, need a reality check because I am drowning and currently at my absolute wit’s end. I spent last night sobbing on the phone to NHS 111 mental health option.

My 81 year old mum had a severe arm fracture requiring major surgery in June. Since then, I’ve basically been her sole 24/7 carer. Running back and forth in heatwaves, managing GP triage forms, collecting prescriptions, dealing with severe post-op nausea, rapid response teams, and general recovery. I don't drive, so getting prescriptions or taking her to appointments involves hour-long walks or public transport nightmare journeys.

My brother (DB) lives 25 minutes away, has a car, but does the absolute bare minimum. He pops in occasionally for an hour for a lunch and a chat (I make the lunches), then leaves.

I have told my brother and his wife how extremely isolated and depressed I am feeling, and he just gazed blankly at me and then left as soon as he had finished his lunch.

The straw that broke the camel's back: I just found out DB and his new wife have gone off on a week's holiday to the coast. Mum has been begging to go to the seaside for years - a simple 45-minute drive for DB, which is virtually impossible for me on public transport with an elderly, recovering woman, given the heatwave train cancellations and her discomfort
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When I brought it up in the family group chat, SIL piped up to say it’s a family holiday paid for by her parents, and that it’s "not a holiday where we bring outside people."

OUTSIDE PEOPLE! My mum - DB's own mother who is currently in crisis - referred to as an "outside person."

I asked if DB could at least take Mum for a day trip to the coast or somewhere local when he’s back, since he drives and it’s a 30-min drive vs a nearly 2-hour journey for me on public transport. I’ve just been met with total silence.

I am exhausted, isolated, and doing literally everything while he swan-dives out of all responsibility and his wife treats my mum like a distant acquaintance.
AIBU to expect him to step up, drive her to appointments, and take on actual caring duties instead of treating this like all my job?!

Yes, I think you're right. I think I was jealous that I wasn't away for a week with my husband (I don't have a husband, but theoretically speaking).

You know her statement is ridiculous op. It’s designed to make you feel like you owe her an endless debt through pure guilt. Parents are SUPPOSED to raise their children. That doesn’t automatically mean that you are now supposed to become her free caregiver for the rest of her life. Stop feeling guilty, withdraw the ridiculous amount of care (which your brother doesn’t owe her either) so she is forced to do the things she should be doing for herself anyway. There are so many things she could put in place now that would only take a phonecall, and there are a lot of services she may be entitled to that are completely free. If you’re not running around doing endless caring then maybe you can actually both enjoy doing trips together instead of it being another chore.

No, he absolutely shouldn't be made to "feel the guilt". OP is doing it all because she's choosing to - that's on her, not her brother.

Is she able to fund any carers herself at all ?
I had a situation like this a bit. Mum had to have emergency care arranged due to medical issues I could not do.
The care people after nearly a week of coming in every so often asked me if I had any siblings at all. I do. They explained said they see it all the time. One person as they phrased it ‘ gets left to do it ‘ unsupported by others.
I would get your mother a care assessment by adult social care workers. And if she can afford it without doubt carers to visit her in her home.

Sorry but why the fuck should anyone be made to feel guilty for not wanting to be a slave for a parent who is perfectly capable of organising her own support, but refuses to? And actually uses viscous emotional blackmail to get what she wants? Half of what the ops listed can be arranged quite easily to be done for her (eg prescriptions dropped off if she is truly unable to get them for herself).

Okay. I’m 74 so talking as someone older though not as old as your Mum.
This is her problem. If she refuses help she will have to manage. Decide what you are able to do and stick to it.
My Mum lived until she was 97 and my husband had six years of poor health and poor mobility.
I did help them and take them to appointments etc but I set things up to make it as easy as possible. You don’t need to walk to pick up prescriptions, you can have them delivered for example.
It would be nice if your brother showed more interest but you can’t force it and nagging him will lead to him doing less, not more.
How is your Mum’s health generally? A broken arm is restrictive and a nuisance for a couple of months but will heal. Does she have other health issues?

I’m not sure you can really criticise your SIL in this as her response/ willingness to include your mum would depend on what’s gone on before. Are they close? Has your mum been a good friend to her and helped her out if she’s ever needed it in the past? If they have more of an ‘acquaintance’ type relationship, the SIL will not necessarily be thinking she has a role to play now the MIL needs help.

If you were her only child, yeah, she could say she gave up everything for you, but in the circs, she gave only 50% for you - as she had 2 children. So it is only fair your DB has to provide 50% care for her - tell her that. This 'everything for you' shit only works when there is an only child.

My mother hasn't helped my SIL out in the past, but only because the SIL has masses of help already from her parents and own sister. They get on well, though. If anything it is a case of the SIL being a bit bad-tempered and cagey (doing things like whispering at the dinner table, etc)

I've been an employed carer for 32 years, and I abhor seeing this from colleagues. It is not their place to stand in judgement over which family members are providing what amount of care, let alone voice that judgement.

I despair when I hear of terrible standards in the care field.

Children don't exist to provide care for their elderly parents.

If OP's mum can't manage things on her own then she will need to have carers to come in and help her.

It’s a tricky one as I do think people are more likely to help out elderly relatives if there’s a bit of ‘she’s been so good to me, helped me out loads with the kids, couldn’t have coped without her when I had hard times’ etc past. As terribly transactional as that sounds!

I agree with several others - you need to take a massive step back and stop driving yourself insane over this. Your brother and his wife are a separate issue - sure, it would be nice if they did some nice things with your mum, but it wouldn’t really solve the problem and they clearly aren’t going to do it. It’s wasted energy worrying about other people - you need to care for yourself. If this is the level of care she needs, it’s far beyond what one or two people can provide so it’s time for external help.

Whilst I think your brother could do more/be more supportive, I think your real problem is with your mother. He is quite rightly setting boundaries as to what he will and will not do- and sticks to them (even if you disagree with the amount he is prepared to do). You need to do the same- or continue to martyr yourself. I think it’s easier to blame your brother for not doing more, than blaming your mother for making unmanageable demands of you.

Your mother needs significant amount of care. She refuses to get care from anyone but you. As a result you have changed your employment to your financial detriment, and practically moved in to support her- to the detriment of your mental health, and leaving you physically exhausted. When you have told your mother how you are struggling she said “well you’re depressed anyway”- that is really very callous as she has basically said she doesn’t give a damn about you, just so long as she gets her needs met. She also emotionally blackmails you by saying she has “given everything up for you”. She is incredibly manipulative and I think of this is unlikely to be a new behaviour- and might go some way to explain why your brother is simply not prepared to do more than he is.

You should start putting boundaries in place too- do what you are able to without compromising your health and well-being, or your financial security. Your mother may need to accept help or manage without it. If she has capacity to make decisions, she gets to decide what care she accepts. And if it’s a bad decision, she has to own it and live with the consequences. It’s not your fault if she struggles- it’s hers.

I have been through this dilemma. I live a flight away from DM. My DSis lives in UK and was doing much more organizing (online banking etc). I didn’t feel that DM was safe in the set up we had.

My caring responsibilities for the babies at home increased such that if I continued flying in every 6 weeks my DC (so mum’s DGchildten) would not be able to work and pay their mortgages. I was also looking at high blood pressure that medication was not controlling.

I decided to not step up my support. I know that DM did not want residential care but there was no safe alternative. DSis was not immediately happy. I just said “I cannot do more than come across every other month”. My sister had to accept running herself ragged or finding a suitable home.

So mum is now in a care home. She is not happy but tbh she used to moan about the carer all the time. Apparently the carer was “bossy” eg her not to attempt walking unless supervised or to go to bed at the last visit rather than fall asleep in front of the tv.

I will admit that I was helped by the need to increase child care. However OP you have your mental health struggles. You cannot and shouldn’t go on. The question you need to ask is what would happen if you went home and resumed some of your own life and work.

I need to look back at the thread to complete my answer.

Also, the SIL has only recently married OP's brother if I'm reading correctly. Like hell would I be becoming a carer for such a recent inlaw.

This right here. Old people who expect their kids' lives to revolve around them are heinously selfish and should not be indulged. A little help and care, fine. A full time job: no.

In what sense did she 'give up everything' for you, but not your brother?

She sounds cruel and manipulative and she obviously thinks that her single daughter has an obligation to provide hands-on care for her but her son has no such obligation..

You can say no and there really isn't anything that she can do. You are stuck in the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) but you can move out of this and live your own life without being chained to your thoroughly unpleasant and ungrateful mother.

Expectation is leading to disappointment and then resentment. Is there a way to.outsource as much of this as you can? If that means getting taxis, carers in then do this. Essentially while it is admirable that you are doing all this, if someone else could do some of it, you could then be more of a daughter than a carer. Your brother, for whatever reason, is not going to be the support you expect.

As others have said your best option here is to get the care system involved. Your brother will definitely take notice if he thinks that his inheritance will take a hit.
Don't discuss it with him, just say that you're burnt out and can't cope and don't be drawn any further.
As hard as it is please don't let your mum make you feel guilty, she probably doesn't say those things out of malice it's more that she's overwhelmed and can't cope herself. But none of that means that you should be the one to bear all the load here.

Ok yes, they are selfish. But I think it's just how some people become as they get older, they no longer have the mental energy or the insight to consider other people's needs. I think if we can it's best to try and humor them and not take it personally, I realize that is very difficult when you're being insulted by your parent whilst trying to help them, and to your own detriment.

When my mom got older I told her anything I could outsource, e.g. cleaning I would. I would happily give lifts around my work commitments but I had no intention, as the single commitment free daughter, of becoming a carer. I wanted to.maintain as much of the mother daughter dynamics

It's true that that's just how some people are, but that doesn't mean that one needs to martyr oneself to such selfishness.

I didn’t feel they were standing in judgment over which member of the family did what.

They were standing in judgement that I was the only person who seemed to be dealing with things.

Which wasn’t unreasonable. I explained I had two siblings who lived half an hour away. Another further.

And I am glad they said what they did. I didn’t feel so alone because they expressed some empathy for my situation.

If there is money involved, there wasn't for us, there's no way I would scrimping to preserve it if it meant I was slavishly doing everything. E.g. if ur mom wants to go to the coast u could get her to pay for a taxi. If this not an option engage a carer from a reputable agency. They can be hired for the day. You can request a driver. U might be able to go along too