To think him sending me 1k every month isn’t a solution to making this fair?

[Seeetwap]

Ex is a consultant in the nhs. He earns around 110k. Probably will earn more in future.

He is supposed to send 950 a month based on his salary (thereabouts) but he sends 1,200. He chose a job literally hours away from us after we broke up when dd was 1.

He sees dd once every couple of weeks, sometimes more if he pays for a hotel and stays nearby for some extra days. He’s good with dd when with her but obviously doesn’t do A THING in relation to DD’s care.

I also have a full time job. I work in a competitive industry and I’m struggling so much trying to keep up with everything. I’ve told him that choosing a job so far away and just throwing extra money over isn’t a solution. He point blank refuses to look for another job.

I know I can’t make him do that or make him be in Dd’s life in a fuller way. I also know I can use the money for extra childcare etc. I do know this. But the reality is it doesn’t help much as I’m still doing school runs and bedtimes and taking her to parties etc. The burden of it all on me feels so immense and I often just cry at the end of an evening.

AIBU to feel money doesn’t make up for this in the way he thinks it does? He feels that i ‘get more’ so should shut up and be happy. I am so unhappy and frustrated.

You cannot make him do more or move closer.
Use the money as needed.

I think the problem here is that your choice is between money and a bit of contact or no money and a bit of contact - the option you want of him doing half is presumably not on the cards unless he wants it to be?

I was under the impression doctors can't always choose where exactly they're based and they get assigned different regions. Happy to be corrected on this.

The extra money isn’t making things fair. But there is no way to force someone to parent if they dont want to.

do you have other family and friends you can lean on for support? Have you got a cleaner and a nanny to help you?

Does she never go to stay with him?

Unfortunately you can't make him be more involved and even if he lived closer you may still be doing school runs and bedtimes and parties by yourself. I would work out what would help and if it costs more then he is currently paying ask him for more money and explain why you need it.

It won't always be this way. It seems never ending at the moment but soon enough you will be able to drop and run at parties, she will go to school by herself and bedtime will be a matter of telling her to go to bed. They are only little for a short time.

He's a shit dad but you can't make him be a better one. I suppose its good that he's paying but yeah it's not great.

No it's not fair. But as you rightly point out, you cannot make him do more.
Have you fully explored what options are left to you to get some breathing space? Can you move close to family who would help?
Can you hire an aupair? My Dd is 5, our third aupair is here for the summer holidays and it's lovely not being the default go-to person for everything.

Short answer - you cant

He is putting his career first. Theres a reason he is an ex. Make you peace with it and look at hiring a nanny - possibly live in

I feel your pain op. My children's father was desperate for kids and yet since splitting I've single handedly raised them. Ive scrimped and scraped for 10 yrs, working crap jobs to work around them, i love them so very much and they are great but he has swaned off giving zero fks about them leaving all the hard work to me.

The responsibility is often overwhelming. I feel every heartache, every illness, every disappointment. His only heartache is when the csa take maintenance from him.

You can't force someone to parent. It's not in a childs best interest. Enjoy your child. My dc are young adults now. We are all close. No one has contact with him because he makes no effort and the dc see this. He is the one missing out.

Have you other support?

It sounds like he's not prepared to do more but maybe would be prepared to pay more to get someone else to help out to give you a break?

What more do you want?
He sees her with a vaguely acceptable degree of regularity and pays a semi decent amount.

This, sorry I know incredibly frustrating for you but you’re not going to change things by grumbling at him, it is down to you now whether you like it or not. Just try and stay on good terms and nurture their relationship the best you can. She’ll be fine as long as he keeps that up

No it doesn't make up for him not being around but it is better than not having enough money, and not seeing him much; that's just ten times as grim. I get you though, it is overwhelming but remember your child will know who did what when they grow up and this is the situation and you need to embrace it.

The burden of that much money, you poor thing! Try the burden of benefits because your ex arse won't pay anything or even bother to work! You don't know how lucky you are, we all have to deal with single motherhood, parties,uniforms,school trips etc, but some of you actually have the money to take the stress off. Go and have a lie down and think on...

MyIcyHeart
What more do you want?
He sees her with a vaguely acceptable degree of regularity and pays a semi decent amount.

Id guess she wants him to be an actual dad, involved in domestic of the day to day crap and juggling she has to do. I say this too much to sound like I mean it on mn op, but you got the better deal. Having her beats the crap out of him being a rich non dad. I am sorry though, it’s so hard x

Not a shit dad,at least he sees and pays for his child,many don't.

And what if the OP did the same? Saw her child once in a while and paid a chunk of money? What would happen to the child then?

What he is doing is NOT parenting and the OP presumably wants him to face up to his responsibilities and BE A PARENT.

But he's not going to, OP, so you need to find a way to make peace with that unfortunately.

Yeah, definitely a shit dad.

If the OP did the same amount of parenting as him, child would be in foster care.

I'm sorry for your situation but it's not a race to the bottom. Parenthood is more than throwing some money at your kids.

Unless he is also paying for half her nursery fees he is hardly being overly generous. DD is just under £950 a month for 3 days of nursery care!

Is it easy for him to move nearer without compromising his career? Often NHS jobs are limited and moving is not easy

Why can’t she go stay with him when he’s got days off on weekends/in school holidays? You can’t make him change anything, so can you adapt your work to make things more manageable?

As a fellow NHS Dr- was he a consultant when you split/he moved? What I’m getting at is a query of whether he actually chose to move or was he moved by the deanery/training programme? It could be the latter, and sometimes you are given very little choice. Fighting it is hard and very often not successful.

If it was his first consultant post, he may also not have had been able just walk into a post near you. Once you CCT (complete training) and your training post ends, you have to find a job or be unemployed. Contrary to popular belief, it is not always possible to just walk into a consultant post in your preferred location.

I am not underestimating the strain you are under, merely trying to understand whether he chose to move or it was a necessity.

either way, you can’t make him move closer to you. So, you have to focus on what you can change. Would you consider moving closer to him? I can see this could be impractical- your ex might not become more involved than he currently is, it might negatively impact your career and/or dismantle any other support networks you have, or he could move again- but it is a possible solution. If moving is not something you can/want to do- can you pay for more childcare?

Well he could not see her and also only pay the lower amount. You can’t force someone to be a more involved parent. Technically extra money should help as you can get more childcare, a cleaner etc.