To think him sending me 1k every month isn’t a solution to making this fair?

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Ex is a consultant in the nhs. He earns around 110k. Probably will earn more in future.

He is supposed to send 950 a month based on his salary (thereabouts) but he sends 1,200. He chose a job literally hours away from us after we broke up when dd was 1.

He sees dd once every couple of weeks, sometimes more if he pays for a hotel and stays nearby for some extra days. He’s good with dd when with her but obviously doesn’t do A THING in relation to DD’s care.

I also have a full time job. I work in a competitive industry and I’m struggling so much trying to keep up with everything. I’ve told him that choosing a job so far away and just throwing extra money over isn’t a solution. He point blank refuses to look for another job.

I know I can’t make him do that or make him be in Dd’s life in a fuller way. I also know I can use the money for extra childcare etc. I do know this. But the reality is it doesn’t help much as I’m still doing school runs and bedtimes and taking her to parties etc. The burden of it all on me feels so immense and I often just cry at the end of an evening.

AIBU to feel money doesn’t make up for this in the way he thinks it does? He feels that i ‘get more’ so should shut up and be happy. I am so unhappy and frustrated.

They don’t. Au pair would be an option. And if the nanny just came for a day or two a week it would be feasible.

Its basic supply & demand. If the nhs stopped recruiting overseas, uk drs are in demand and in a strong position to negotiate and ensure pay rises in line with inflation.

When the nhs are allowed to recruit overseas from countries where pay is lower, theres a constant oversupply of staff & no pressure to ensure pay remains competitive and uk doctors are forced to either accept pay falling in real terms or move abroad etc (lots do).

You can't really legally get proper au pairs easily any more since brexit, there are very few with the right to work who want to do it.

Presumably op uses the maintenance for other costs for DC, £1k a month for a 2 day nanny would leave her with nothing towards clothing, food, toys, activities, the other 3 days childcare etc

Ridiculous post. It’s not a race to the bottom. If you have been a lone parent I would have expected you to have some empathy for how relentless it is to work, manage a home and single handedly look after a child. I have been there, OP, and I see you. It is so, so tough. You shouldn’t be expected to just be grateful that your DC’s dad is throwing you some money. That’s such nominal contribution to the upbringing of a child and I am sorry that we live in a society where men (because it is mostly men) can skip off with their lives unchanged after they create a human, and women are left to meet their every need. I’m sorry that some women perpetuate this by scorning you for expecting more.

My DC’s dad paid hardly any maintenance, but maintenance aside I would have chosen my DC having a present and engaged father above all else. I am sorry that your DC’s dad is not. It does get easier, I promise.

Give him custody of the child and you pay him child support.

I think he should give you enough for you to be able to reduce your hours or pay for a cleaner etc so that you can re-adress your work/life balance so that you're not as exhausted. That's the only fair way if he refuses to be more hands on as a dad to give you a break

Well said 👏🏻
Of course OP has it easier than some but that's not the point. The point is that her ex could and should give her more maintenance as the balance of responsibilities is well and truly tipped in his favour which is totally unfair.

Sorry OP, I don't blame you for feeling disappointed and upset. It must be very difficult to solo parent. As pp say, there is nothing you can do to engage him in more equal parenting, but that's still ok to feel that it's unfair - it is.

In terms of the money - does he pay towards childcare as well? if not, it does not seem like much money. Is there enough of his contribution to make your life easier with a cleaner, babysitter, etc?

But £950 isn’t supposed to cover all of it, financing the child is the responsibility of BOTH parents

her ex is a consultant in the NHS, having dated one myself a while back she would be doing that all herself anyway, because he couldn't get out of work ontime for any of it.

That’s a very good point. There must be a good few consultants in together families who rarely do hands-on parenting due to their working hours. So to expect much from a separated consultant is unrealistic. I do understand your frustration but I’m not totally surprised with the situation

Ignore this.

Youll get a lot of shitty replied from people who get £1 maintenance or nothing.
Everybody would do well to remember it’s not a race to the bottom where children and equality are concerned.

With the end of the relationship should come a freedom from resentment. You no longer have any influence over him, so you need to come to terms with the new normal and get on with your life. There's literally no point wasting energy wishing he were different or trying to bring about change. That's only relevant when you are in a relationship. An ex is never going to change for you and if he wanted to change for his dd he would have done it already. It's good that he sends more than he has to and as time goes by you will realise that having full parenting makes life simpler for you.

He pays more than he's expected to by the CMS.

He probably had to move for the job because that was the only one in his speciality that came up. £110k is low for a consultant and I'm guessing that this was his first consultant job, hence the need to get something, rather than being in one already and then being able to wait for one to come up closer to home.

He's an NHS consultant - my friend is married to one and she basically does all the parenting as he works long hours and is on call evenings and weekends. Now the kids are older he sees them more as they're still up in the evenings when he gets in, but he certainly wasn't around for school drop offs / collection and the like when they were young. At weekends he is exhausted from working a 70h week and does sleep a lot - admittedly he did do parties or sports club runs then if needed though.

He says that families with two consultant
parents have full time Nannies for about £5k pcm to solve their not being around at all, to give you context.

OP, whilst I do completely sympathise with the situation, I'm not sure what could practically change here. £1200 post tax is more than CMS would offer, and he's seeing his child regularly when he can. Use that money for a cleaner, pre / post school childcare - anything which can give you a bit more time back.

Accept that he doesn't want to do any day to day parenting and is an ex for a reason. Even if you move closer it is unlikely to change. So what are your options? Where is your support system? I'd look at hiring an au pair or nanny this eliminates the need to do drop offs and pick ups to childcare. I'd have a cleaner once a week and if there is only you and your child I'd have a meal prep service too. That way day to day drudgery is taken care of. You are then able to enjoy spending time with your dd when you finish work.

I would also look to formalise a custody plan so he has her half of any school holidays (appreciate she isn't school age yet) but what I mean is a week at easter, a week at Xmas and 3 weeks over the summer etc. How he arranges childcare isn't your problem. He will have to figure that out.

Any couple I know with jobs such as this throw money around so use a nanny who can provide the consistency that they can't, who will eventually do pick ips and drop offs when the child gets to school age. Or one of the couple compromises and moves to an industry with more flexibility or becomes a sahp.

While it doesn’t make up for him being an absent father, a significant amount in cash can definitely contribute to things being easier for you and lighten the load. Childminder to drop off, occasional babysitter can all be funded etc.

My DD is an adult now, but my ExH moved away and left me with all the day to day running around.
it was before Brexit so I could get a true au pair and that really helped.
You can not change him, but you can stop wasting energy on him/ the situation.
My DD knows who did all the work and she hasn’t spent more than 5 hours at a time wth her Dad since she was 13 - her choice.

It sounds as though you chose the wrong man to father your child, sorry. You cannot make him change so you might feel better if you accept the situation for what it is. At least he sends money. Or if you want your DC to have a closer relationship with father then perhaps move closer to him.

He's not really a shit dad. He sees his child and pays more than he has too. If he didn't have a choice about moving because of the work he does then it's not his fault. Also I think even if you were together you'd feel like a single parent. Consultants tend to work long hours. He can't just decide to leave because it's his turn to do bedtime or do the school run.
If him not seeing her enough is a really big problem can you move closer to him? I obviously don't know if that's possible but I do think even if you move you might be disappointed. Unfortunately his job does not have family friendly hours.

To be honest the money you receive is pretty good for one child. Obviously it’s because he earns so well but honestly, some women get a fiver a week for two or three kids. He sees DC pretty regularly as well despite the distance and his full on job. You can’t force him to do more as you acknowledge so I’d try not to feel so bitter about it for your own sake.

Unless things have dramatically changed since my husband became a consultant, the get very little choice in where they get a job. Speciality posts don’t come up often, and they have to take the first job offered.

if you were still together you’d have had to make a decision on where to live based on the job, it’s also hard to move, they are expected to make their career where they get put.

im not saying it excuses parenting responsibilities, but have you talked about options with him, depending on his area of work he might not have much on call, do you have ties to where you are? Could you move if it meant he would be more of a coparent?

I don't think he is a good parent

He chose to move such a distance away from his very young child, presuming that op would take on the bulk of the care and gives his kid a day of his time every 13 days, with a little bit extra when he can fit them in

I don't believe a parent can have a proper relationship with their child if they see them once every 2 weeks, especially when young. And op says he chose to take a job so far away ...he didn't need to move such distance.

A parent should do everything they can to be involved in their kids day to day life.

I'm not saying parents remain in an unhappy relationship, but both parents should do all they can to have a contact schedule to both make themselves available for the day to day care of their kids on separating...the bedtimes, the morning routine, the picking up from school/childcare, the night wakings, the medical appointments etc...He has made a choice to prevent that and seems to think that all his kid needs from him is money.

CMS is so low. That will barely cover half the nursery fees.

Your work and financial situations sound similar to DH and me (still together) and we both spend almost ALL our money on the kids one way or another- mortgage for a larger house, larger car, nursery/saving for uni. We also both spend almost all our time on them.

Your ex has abandoned his responsibilities. I bet a lot of people judge him.

If you are the poster I am thinking you are, this was always on the cards. He was clear with you he was going to take this job.

The male Consultants, and male GP, who are married to friends of mine, and live with their wives and children, do no childcare.
Their job is them, and they are actually like an extra child to be looked after.
I know that's no help OP, but at least you're not running round after him, because he doesn't adult outside of his job.

How old is your DD now? you can’t make him do more, so focus on building a life for the two of you.

Yes it is shit, but money does give you options…
reduced hours for a short period of time or buy in services (cleaning, meal subscriptions, more child care).

I would ask him for extra money to pay for a childminder /babysitter to come and entertain her a day a week, someone to take her to school or a cleaner so when you are home you have time to rest.
See if there are other parents who would share school run.
Don't think I'm her Mum I need to do this /this / this - anything you can farm out even paying for it is helpful