To think him sending me 1k every month isn’t a solution to making this fair?

[Seeetwap]

Ex is a consultant in the nhs. He earns around 110k. Probably will earn more in future.

He is supposed to send 950 a month based on his salary (thereabouts) but he sends 1,200. He chose a job literally hours away from us after we broke up when dd was 1.

He sees dd once every couple of weeks, sometimes more if he pays for a hotel and stays nearby for some extra days. He’s good with dd when with her but obviously doesn’t do A THING in relation to DD’s care.

I also have a full time job. I work in a competitive industry and I’m struggling so much trying to keep up with everything. I’ve told him that choosing a job so far away and just throwing extra money over isn’t a solution. He point blank refuses to look for another job.

I know I can’t make him do that or make him be in Dd’s life in a fuller way. I also know I can use the money for extra childcare etc. I do know this. But the reality is it doesn’t help much as I’m still doing school runs and bedtimes and taking her to parties etc. The burden of it all on me feels so immense and I often just cry at the end of an evening.

AIBU to feel money doesn’t make up for this in the way he thinks it does? He feels that i ‘get more’ so should shut up and be happy. I am so unhappy and frustrated.

You can't fix stupid.

One day his daughter will grow up and tell him he is a shit dad and money can't buy her love.

And he will regret it.

And she will know you love her.

Is a nanny an option?

It's not really enough extra money to compensate for his lack of parenting. You couldn't actually hire a live-in nanny with it the way people are suggesting. You'd need more to do that. Maybe you could get a babysitter a couple times a month so you can get a night off, and maybe you should actually do that. I know it's hard not having any backup though. Even if nothing bad happens, it's psychologically difficult having every single thing laid on you.

You can't make him a more handsome on Dad but you can ask him as he can't parent due to his job could he pay for more childcare to enable you to work more. It always feels unfair when one parent walks away and the remaining parent just has to do 90 percent of the parenting but it is what it is. Your DC will grow up closer to you than their Dad.

How can you not come to a childcare arrangement to cover any help you need?
Chabge the arrangement or send her every second weekend?
Be glad you recieve some finanical help
Some of us work fulltime and recieve nothing with more than 1...is it really not possible you change hours to less or compromise.
Or go get a custody arrangement to make him involved.
Can family help relieve you?
The joys of being a working parent and the selfish world of some Dads.

Yanbu

A parent shouldn't have the option of upping and leaving the area their young child lives in, only seeing them every 2 weeks,even if they do financially provide for them. Its shit on the child to give them so little time and actual parenting.

Could you price up au pairs/nanny, and discuss him contributing to any short fall for that financially so that you have more practical, day to day support whilst lo is young?

You are being unreasonable because you think you and fuss and fume and argue your way into "making him" be who and what you want him to be! not going to work. Instead tell him to pay $500 more so you can hire some household help with school runs and all that because his absence puts all the pressure on you to do everything. Approach him logically with facts and figures. Leave the door open for him to step up if he wants but the main thing is he needs to help pay for help so you aren't overburdened.

You can't change his choices.
Do you know his/DC extended family?

Is there any chance that you can cooperate with his sister or parents separately if they really would love to have your DC visit, or take her to sport, regularly?

Truly an awful post. The world isn’t equal and there will always be people better off and worse off financially than us. This is an open platform for all and just so immature to have this attitude. You and OP actually have the same issue that your ex partners are allowed to just F off and leave you both to the child rearing - the difference is that in your case the state is financially bringing up your kids. In many places there are no benefits so people could say you don’t have a right to complain about benefits and you should feel lucky to have them - but that would be a stupid and unhelpful thing to say. I’m glad we do have a safety net system and happy for my taxes to go towards that. Equally just because OPs husband has a job that allows him to pay a decent amount of child maintenance does not mean she is not allowed to be overwhelmed or upset at the situation she is currently in

@Seeetwap I work full time hours 4 days a week and without my DH I don’t know how I would manage it all. All single mothers are bloody brilliant and it’s such a shame men get to tap out like this. You’re right that the extra couple hundred of pounds doesn’t cover it and completely right to be annoyed. Not sure if the argument of him being a dr stands up here - there are plenty of female consultants in all specialties and I haven’t heard of any of them moving hours away from their kids and seeing them a few times a month indefinitely - they have to find jobs locally, sometimes get a locum kob or decline the perfect substantiative job, compress hours or go part time to make it work for their family. I’m sure he could have tried to be creative with this if it was important enough for him.

as others have also said - you can’t change it - which is frustrating. You could maybe think about what you immediately need help with now to make things feel more bearable -would a childminder to do school run and look after child intil you’re back from work help? And see if he would pay half or extra for that. Do you have any friends who would help?

He’s not a shit dad . A shit dad is one that totally fucks off not paying a penny ever . You have a man with a full on career who is in regular contact with his daughter and pays more than requested, not a small sum either . Yes it’s hard being a single mum juggling but OP has it a lot better than a lot of single mums , and it won’t be forever .

Can you negotiate a higher amount to cover nanny/cleaner etc? He’s going to be taking home around 6k so that is doable for him. Also he needs to take DD when he’s on leave so thats 6 weeks, he needs to for the sake of their future relationship.

Ive been waiting 16 years for ExH to take some level of parenting responsibility. It is shit being default parent 24/7.

Sadly, you cannot change what he does, only what you do.

What ways can you use the money to reduce some of the daily grind? I worked part time so that I had a day for my own sanity. What about a cleaner, home shopping deliveries, regular babysitters so you can do skmething for you?

I know none of this solves the issue of you 100% parental responsibility however it might give you more energy to deal with it.

At consultant level you choose which job interview you apply. If you are offered the job it’s very bad form not to take it. Depending on what area of medicine it’s in will depend on how frequently jobs in each area arise. Orthopaedics will be far more common that toxicology. So he may have moved to further his career. Or he may have moved for the sake of it.

How is he going to explain to his dd he moved away and gave mum more money for child care, how will he square that with his daughter?

He’s an awful dad and you have my sympathies:

1. you need to accept it because you can’t change it
2. I doubt he’ll have a normal father/daughter relationship with dd when she’s older and that is all on him
3. a lot of women who are with their partners do the career/school run juggle too because their partners just refuse to help or only do a token pick up on a Friday, at least you don’t need to also do his laundry and pick his pants up off the floor!
4. if you can connect with a few school mums there will be someone willing to help you out with play dates when you need them which can help when work is really busy.

Day to day I know it’s really tough and sincerely you are doing well to keep it all up and spinning. I think you will be happier if you can just accept him for what he is bringing to the table (some cash). Keep asking for more as his career develops.

IsitaHatOrACat.

I agree, take the £300 a month and look for a cleaner, someone who will change the beds, empty the bins, do ironing, put the laundry away, Then use wrap round care a couple of afternoons a weEm or find someone to pick up your dd, use a registered babysitter site to find someone to pick her up and take her home.

its not a solution to his lack of co parenting, but gives you some breathing space

There’s no need to speak to the OP like this. It’s not a race to the bottom.

Well you are a delight. Keep digging to the bottom

I think the negative comments directed at the father seem unfair. He parents his daughter once a fortnight plus extra when he can. He travels some distance to facilitate that. He pays a substantial amount over and above what he has to in addition to his own travel/accommodation costs. Despite other pressures upon him, he is going to some lengths to ensure his daughter has a relationship with him. So why demonise him? Why is he shit and an awful father?

The nurses and doctors are available in the Uk, but the NHS chooses to employ overseas workers instead, so it can pay them less.

Consultants can choice where they work. It’s resident doctors on rotation that can go anywhere depending on where their rotation is!

Incorrect! Stop spreading misinformation, NHS pay is the same regardless of your nationality! There is no two tier pay scales within the NHS! It actually cost the NHS huge sums to internationally recruit which is why most trusts no longer recruit from overseas!

This is ridiculous, nannies cost far far more than this!!

You're not unreasonable to be fed up. However, given being fed up isn't going to change anything, could you:

1. Pay a cleaner
2. Pay for a day of babysitting every so often when you can go out and just chill?
3. Pay more for nice quality partially or fully prepared meals?

I don't know what proportion of the £1200 has to be spent on essential living costs, but my cleaner costs me £140 per month, and I reckon an extra £100 a month on food would make a massive difference to the amount of time spent cooking.

I wonder as well about offering to have a friend over either for a whole day, or even a sleepover if they're big enough, and in return said friend's mum does the same? Might be the most effective way of getting a bit of time off. Or is your daughter big enough to go and stay at her dad's for a few days during the school holidays? You'll probably tell me he's renting a 1 bed flat, as it doesn't sound like he's geared up to care for his daughter, but just trying to think of all the possibilities.

The money does not make up for it. You’re right. But it is what it is.
Maybe you could use the money for a nanny to come in for two or 3 days a fortnight. $1000 would cover that easily. Get the nanny to do school pick up the evening and you could go out after work for a movie and a manicure etc.

He’s chosen a job location which means the burden of parenting falls to the OP. He’s basically opted out of being an equal parent because that’s what (many) dads do when relationships break up.

In fact he doesn’t really ‘parent’ his daughter at all. He just visits her every couple of weeks. You can’t parent with that kind of contact.

It’s shitty.