To think him sending me 1k every month isn’t a solution to making this fair?

[Seeetwap]

Ex is a consultant in the nhs. He earns around 110k. Probably will earn more in future.

He is supposed to send 950 a month based on his salary (thereabouts) but he sends 1,200. He chose a job literally hours away from us after we broke up when dd was 1.

He sees dd once every couple of weeks, sometimes more if he pays for a hotel and stays nearby for some extra days. He’s good with dd when with her but obviously doesn’t do A THING in relation to DD’s care.

I also have a full time job. I work in a competitive industry and I’m struggling so much trying to keep up with everything. I’ve told him that choosing a job so far away and just throwing extra money over isn’t a solution. He point blank refuses to look for another job.

I know I can’t make him do that or make him be in Dd’s life in a fuller way. I also know I can use the money for extra childcare etc. I do know this. But the reality is it doesn’t help much as I’m still doing school runs and bedtimes and taking her to parties etc. The burden of it all on me feels so immense and I often just cry at the end of an evening.

AIBU to feel money doesn’t make up for this in the way he thinks it does? He feels that i ‘get more’ so should shut up and be happy. I am so unhappy and frustrated.

This - what would make you happy?

As others have said -you can't make him play a larger, fuller role in your DD's life. That's sad, but it's the truth.

Another truth to bear in mind (and I'm not defending him) - consultant jobs in the NHS are difficult to get anywhere, let alone where you might want them to be. We had to move from north to south of the country. And it's not common for consultants to move jobs once they have them - not impossible just not usual. As I say I'm not defending him, just trying to explain some logistics.

This.
And feel free to ask for a bit more money if what you're getting already doesn't quite cover it.
X

Ach shush. Just because your ex is a waster financially as well as a dead beat doesn't mean other single mums shouldn't be expecting their kids dads to do their share of parenting. That should be bare minimum expectation. You say you're on benefits presumably because of childcare responsibilities making working so difficult but the op is also working as well as being a single parent and managing all drop offs and pick ups alone and trying to forge a career. Why would you want to bring someone down because her ex is doing doing literally bare minimum

It's not a race to the bottom. Money can pay for childcare but it cannot replace actual parenting.

The reality is it’s not easy for either of them and 2 high powered careers into the mix too.
Its not easy for the OP or the ex, £1200 is a huge chunk out of anyone’s taxed
salary (if you realise the tax on a £110k salary plus buying your own house, living costs, costs of travel and hotel to maintain contact) Obviously for couples that feel able
to stay together it is so much easier. You probably would of simply all moved to where his new job is and lived happily as a family, both been miles better off financially and it would of been far easier for you to support each other to be the parents you both wanted to be alongside your careers. It’s not a nice situation for either of you and sorry for whatever reason it was that created it

No, throwing money is not the same as being a parent. However, yiur options are him not paying and having this involvement and hon paying and having this involvement. Take the extra money cause he won't be more invovled if he paid less.

True, and getting jobs is harder than it used to be. Very stupid, considering we need more doctors and nurses than ever, but quite a lot of them are finding it harder to get work.
OP, do you have any flexibiity in your job? Or would you be ok with him staying at your house sometimes, obviously if he cheated you aren't going to want him sharing a bed, but if he could sleep on the sofa, that might give him more time to spend with your daughter/give you a break.

Accept it. Take the money. Maybe ask for more given his salary, so you can use it to make your life easier - childcare, cleaner?

The resentment towards an ex for this never fades. Just keep in mind that one day your child will be old enough to know which parent did it all for them. When that day comes you do get your reward by having lovely adult children you have a relationship with.

I just had my 50th and my adult children arranged a lovely surprise party for me - they barely remember when their dad’s birthday is as he wasn’t there for them growing up. He does see them and their is no animosity between us but he never paid regularly child support and when he moved area he rarely makes time to see them. He occasionally complains that they have cars and never visit him but they are just giving what they received.

Can you balance the books in the way that allows you to hire regular, consistent help? Someone else mentioned an au pair, and this or a regular mother's helper might be the way to go. Someone who can keep an eye on her so you can get some downtime, and who maybe chips in with some domestic labour too.

As others have said, you can't make him step up, and it's good that he's paying over the required maintenance, even if the reality of parenting life is still rough for you. Hugs.

He’s a prick by the sounds of it and not very caring and this might have something to do with why you have split?

But that’s just that: you have split, so while he isn’t necessarily being a great dad or doing 50/50, he also doesn’t have to answer to you about it because he isn’t in a relationship with you.

The fact he isn’t doing 50/50 is why he has to give you money and he gives you more than a court would order.

It sucks, but that’s how it is for a lot of women, and a lot of women get less contact/less money as well.

He's a shit dad, as others have said, you can't make him care more or be a better parent. The money doesn't make up for it, but it does help a lot compared to others. I have a family currently separating from a narcissist, who barely pays her a penny (self employed.......) and makes her life hell.

So yes, your situation is shit, but its a lot less shit when you have a decent job yourself and financial support from your ex. You can't make him do more, but at least you can pay for some help, and he isn't making your life difficult in more ways than just being fairly absent.

I know it doesn't help much, pointing out that many others are much worse off, but hopefully it gives you some comfort. I really hope as she gets older that your ex steps up more and takes a more active role in raising your child.

Another man opting out of fatherhood. Sorry, OP, he sounds useless.

The vote is depressing too.

You’ve completely missed the point, missing out on a parent doesnt just disappear because the dad is a high earner and in a position to chuck a few quid at the household. The message of “I don’t care enough to give you my time, effort and support” is just as hurtful to those children. Yes, the money makes things easier for the other parent (usually the mum) but don’t suggest that someone is doing their bit when they replace co parenting with extra maintenance. You’re letting a selfish man, every inch as selfish as your ex, off the hook like it’s only women who should do the daily grunt work of raising kids. Your post is weirdly old fashioned, like a dad can only be a financial provider rather than a consistent role model in their children’s lives.

Why do you keep asking the same question?

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5503907-to-think-i-deserve-more-money-from-him

Truly a sad thing you wrote. It really is. Your username suits you.

She wants to share the responsibility, the school runs, patching up grazed knees, bedtime stories or even to take over the care for an evening, so the OP can decompress.. to be a parent.

Throwing money at a problem doesn't always solve a problem, it's quite understandable that the OP feels fed up. I would be too.

Yes, but that's not the reality she's facing. And the sooner she accepts that, the better.
I would have far rather had a father to my twins who paid in excess of a 1k per month and showed up once every 2 weeks than my escape artist who was never around and paid nothing.
I know the reality of being a single mother can be shit. Of course having to do everything oneself is rubbish.
However, at least he sees the DC and pays.
The bar IS low for men, but when you are not in a relationship with the father, whatever the circumstances, it is FAR easier when the father actually has the DC, albeit only once a fortnight, plus providing financially for them.

She posts it all the time I’ve read it about 4/5 times

It is shit that he chose to move away. And you sound like a very good mum to want more time from him rarther than just counting the cash. But you can't make him move closer or spend more time with your DD.

Many single mums get neither the financial or practical help from the dad. My ex moved abroad when my DD was 3 and that was that. I didnt choose to go through parenting alone, but not a thing I could do about it. That was my lot in life, despite it being a joint decision to have our child. So on the positive side you are in a better position than many. Not taking away the fact it is shit for a parent to move away in any circumstance

The bar is so much acceptably lower for men and it's the women here saying at least he's paying bla bla bla.
Total sympathy @Seeetwap at least you have taken on the full responsibility of parenting. Yes your career is suffering and the wanker ex has swanned off and carried on with his career and life just a little out of pocket but more autonomy.
And when you get to 68 or whatever age you will have expected to have paid your pension in same as him bla bla bla.
There's not much you can do. And yes many of us have had exes who haven't paid their share or been interested etc.
Get on with it and do your best for yourself and your child. But it's not fair. Equality. Sure.

He may not have had much choice about moving away. I moved 5 hours for my consultant job. My friends who are already tied with children desperately take up locum posts wherever they can, going home if they're not oncall the weekend, praying something comes up nearer home. Others, the family moves to follow the consultant job. I'm not saying he's a good dad, he clearly isn't, but he may not be as bad as you're making out.

Just wish he took any form of responsibility at all. I feel like absolutely everything is on me all the time. It makes me angry he thinks some cash fixes it. I’d give him the same to actually parent but he simply wouldn’t

Exactly. nd quite honestly, school runs bedtime and parties is just parenting.

her ex is a consultant in the n h s having dated one myself a while back she would be doing that all herself anyway, because he couldn't get out of work ontime for any of it.