To think him sending me 1k every month isn’t a solution to making this fair?

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Ex is a consultant in the nhs. He earns around 110k. Probably will earn more in future.

He is supposed to send 950 a month based on his salary (thereabouts) but he sends 1,200. He chose a job literally hours away from us after we broke up when dd was 1.

He sees dd once every couple of weeks, sometimes more if he pays for a hotel and stays nearby for some extra days. He’s good with dd when with her but obviously doesn’t do A THING in relation to DD’s care.

I also have a full time job. I work in a competitive industry and I’m struggling so much trying to keep up with everything. I’ve told him that choosing a job so far away and just throwing extra money over isn’t a solution. He point blank refuses to look for another job.

I know I can’t make him do that or make him be in Dd’s life in a fuller way. I also know I can use the money for extra childcare etc. I do know this. But the reality is it doesn’t help much as I’m still doing school runs and bedtimes and taking her to parties etc. The burden of it all on me feels so immense and I often just cry at the end of an evening.

AIBU to feel money doesn’t make up for this in the way he thinks it does? He feels that i ‘get more’ so should shut up and be happy. I am so unhappy and frustrated.

I don't think she needs the money as much as she needs the help. She said in a previous post.

The money buys the help, or is that not capable of being understood.

It doesn't buy emotional support, the mental load. Is that not capable of being understood?

People don’t generally look to their ex for emotional support.

With parenting decisions yes. Like should you seek a ND assessment, which school. How to deal with a behavioural problem, what spending to prioritise. I have to do all this alone and its funking exhausting. Its all in me. I have supportive parents but ultimately its me

OP - the issue, to me, seems to be he needed to move for his career and you needed to stay for yours.
Doesn’t make him a shit parent and doesn’t make you one either but without compromise it wasn’t going to work out.

It is just not practical to expect him to help equally with school runs, parties etc.
If his work was within a reasonable distance to allow him to do those things then he wouldn’t have moved away (assuming this was the only or main reason he left).

His overpaying maybe in recognition of that.

If he stayed, there is a high likelihood he wouldn’t have been able to do most of those things - the majority of full time jobs do not have the wiggle room to allow for school runs, let alone jobs that usually start before 9 and after 5pm (ward rounds, clinics, surgery).
I presume your jobs doesn’t allow for easily either? I maybe wrong.
Wraparound care, home help probably would have been needed anyway.

Would you have been happy if he had moved and took your daughter, whilst you paid child support are saw her once in a while?
If not, then YABU. This is what being a single parent is when the other parent has to live away. This is the choice you both made. I appreciate it doesn’t make things easier though.

and lots of single parents also have a difficult ex who makes everything harder. They might try to stop assessments, challenge school placements, disagree with what you spend money on, insist there aren’t actually any behavioural problems, blame everything on your parenting, or just deliberately disagree with you about everything, which makes even simple decisions a nightmare. I know someone whose ex even tried to get their child’s autism diagnosis withdrawn.
So although being a single parent is obviously hard, not having someone around isn’t always the worst thing. Sometimes it’s actually easier to make decisions and do what’s best for your child when you don’t have an ex constantly fighting you or trying to undermine every decision you make.

The burden of that much money, you poor thing! Try the burden of benefits because your ex arse won't pay anything or even bother to work! You don't know how lucky you are, we all have to deal with single motherhood, parties,uniforms,school trips etc, but some of you actually have the money to take the stress off. Go and have a lie down and think on...

I absolutely agree with you. All mums do this surely? Some fathers work away from home, some don’t work at all and have to subsist on benefits. You could probably do a school run rota with other mums, and you can afford childcare. You are very fortunate!!

I do get it. Like @SlushMountain said, ex partners can be worse than absent. If they’re emotionally abusive or controlling, it’s extremely difficult to coparent with them. Someone leaving you to it and giving you a load of money, while it obviously isn’t at all ideal, is quite far from as bad as it gets. I do sympathise, but I don’t think it’s helpful to the OP to imply she should expect more.

So we're back to race to the bottom then? Not much else to say then is there.

What do you mean race to the bottom? What is your useful advice to the Op? Yes, OP, make him do the school pick ups and drop offs? I don’t understand.

She can afford childcare for when she is working but she is still a solo parent every day after work and most weekends doing homework, washing, making dinner, bath time, playdates, dealing with tantrums. My husband has to take the kids to school 4 days a week as I'm already at work and has flexibility. He hates it as it is stress, running late, refusing to put on shoes, losing something, tears etc etc. The list goes on. Money helps in some situations of course but not the mental and physical aspect of parenting day in and day out. Obviously there are single parents who have no help from the absent father and it's disgusting and unforgivable but that doesn't excuse other dads who do a bit but not their fair share. 2 people decide to have a child and both parents are and should be equally responsible for that child. In this case maybe 50/50 isn't feasible or best for the child but he should definitely be helping out more and sharing the parenting load.

Here's the thing parents spilt up all the time.

One of my long term exes was a NHS consultant. Given the hours he worked, even if he lived close by he would never be able to guarantee he could do school pick ups or parties or whatever else she wants.

I had experiences where we were about to have dinner and someone he operated on was having complications and he had to go back in at 8pm and he didnt come back until nearly midnight. On call at weekends and he couldn't go far from the area etc.

Even if this guy lived nearby the chances of him being around for achool pick ups, parties, bedtime and weekends are slim. There's always something with a doctor. It's life and fucking death a lot of the time.

She chose a doctor ...what did she think it would be like. Even if they hadn't split she'd likely be doing it all. Sharing the parenting load doesnt apply or doesnt work with some careers.

This ☝️

Posters, giving examples that their husband does all the school drop offs therefore, this guy should share the load is risible.

My NHS consultant ex had a surgery list that started at 8am.

Surgical ward rounds before a morning operating list typically take place early in the morning, between 7:00 AM and 8:00 AM. He had to be out the house at about six and up at just after 5am.

All these smug posters have genuinely no idea what they're talking about.If you have an ex or a current partner who's got to be at the hospital for 7 am. How do you suggest he does the school drop off?

If not a surgeon, some clinics start at eight am.

It's not always possible to share the parenting load depending on the career and under the circumstances, all that money does make a hell of a lot of difference. It is better than nothing.

And thats fine when you are together and make that decision jointly. Different post split if he unilaterally decides to disappear hours away. Even if he did have those work hours, all the more reason to stay close to be on hand when at all possible.

You sound horribly bitter . You can have empathy for someone even if you feel you have it worse, you know. It’s not a competition .

It’s horrible OP. I was in the same position. My exH walked away from our DDs when we separated. He wasn’t a fair parent when we were together and I’ve been doing double shifts ever since. It’s exhausting, frustrating and unfair on the children but we have no choice but to accept it …

You’re putting your energy into something you can’t control. Use the extra money to hire trusted help and otherwise enjoy your daughter. The years will pass quickly and you will miss her being this age.

I mean there are too many posters on here accepting thats it perfectly normal and socially acceptable for 50% of a child's parents to just opt out to one degree or another and so long as they are doing maybe 5-10% or throwing money around, thats good enough.

In terms of advice, all I can suggest is that op settles in for the long haul, finds routines and activities and methods that work for her and wherever possible, build in some downtime. I will also say, as others have, that give it 7-8 years and your dd will know who she can rely on. You wont have to tell her.

I mean there are too many posters on here accepting thats it perfectly normal and socially acceptable for 50% of a child's parents to just opt out to one degree or another and so long as they are doing maybe 5-10% or throwing money around, thats good enough.

It has to be good enough because that’s the way it is. Railing against it and getting bitter about it doesn’t change a thing.

I reached the end of my single parent journey more than 30 years ago and have reaped the rewards. I know the joy of a phone call from a backpacker in Australia “I really needed to hear your voice”. The joy of date days to art galleries and a trip to Florence, just the two of us. I know the power of the two of us against the world. I wouldn’t swap it for anything.

This. I can’t speak for other posters, but I haven’t said the ex isn’t a prick. It’s just that whatever he’s doing is all he’s going to do, and OP’s resentment isn’t going to hurt him, it’s only going to hurt her.

So lovely to hear your experiences being out the other side @Blossomtoes

If you don't have a solicitor, get one. It is probable that you are entitled to more money since his time is do limited. This isn't the place to ask. Get yourself a professional who specializes in family law.

@WeddingDressguestYou do find women working long hours too. They might need dad far more! I agree though - there’s so much rubbish spouted about 50% and only parents who live near each other can ever do that. For many it’s not possible and child orders reflect that in the main. Maybe women need to be a bit more savvy about DHs careers and what that might mean if they split. This child is at school so is not a baby needing everything and dad has not disappeared and he’s competent with dc.

I have known some men to get a bit more hands on after divorce but then they get another job and it doesn’t last. I’m not divorced but DH did next to nothing with dc during the week because he ran a very busy and successful business and I didn’t work but had we divorced I have no doubt his time contribution would not have increase and I would have needed to work. But I knew the risk. Having said that he did far less than he could have done and now says he regrets it. The ex might in this case too.