To think him sending me 1k every month isn’t a solution to making this fair?

[Seeetwap]

Ex is a consultant in the nhs. He earns around 110k. Probably will earn more in future.

He is supposed to send 950 a month based on his salary (thereabouts) but he sends 1,200. He chose a job literally hours away from us after we broke up when dd was 1.

He sees dd once every couple of weeks, sometimes more if he pays for a hotel and stays nearby for some extra days. He’s good with dd when with her but obviously doesn’t do A THING in relation to DD’s care.

I also have a full time job. I work in a competitive industry and I’m struggling so much trying to keep up with everything. I’ve told him that choosing a job so far away and just throwing extra money over isn’t a solution. He point blank refuses to look for another job.

I know I can’t make him do that or make him be in Dd’s life in a fuller way. I also know I can use the money for extra childcare etc. I do know this. But the reality is it doesn’t help much as I’m still doing school runs and bedtimes and taking her to parties etc. The burden of it all on me feels so immense and I often just cry at the end of an evening.

AIBU to feel money doesn’t make up for this in the way he thinks it does? He feels that i ‘get more’ so should shut up and be happy. I am so unhappy and frustrated.

I disagree. You have to deal with the world as it is, not as you wish it to be. In the real world it is never this black and white. What if op had been the one who wanted to move- could be for career progression or for family support, for instance. I doubt you’d be calling her a shit parent for making the best if her situation or improving her career prospects. We also don’t know how much of a choice it was- knowing the specialist training programme process and practices for Dr’s in training as I do, I think it a distinct possibility that there wasn’t much choice in moving (or not without leaving the training programme). And, as I’ve said, if it’s a consultant post (especially first consultant job), it is genuinely not as simple as just being able to pick where you want to work and being able to walk into a consultant job there.

The reality is that when you split, you can’t decide where your ex-partner lives. It is also true that sometimes moving elsewhere is a necessity or outwith your control. I doesn’t make him a shit parent. He does pay a decent amount in child support and he does have contact, even if not as supportive as OP would like. Perfect? No, but it’s not terrible either. OP- could he have your DD in his home for some weekends rather than staying in a hotel for extra nights- that would soon add up.

It’s understandable you feel that way, but it’s just not possible to make him step up. You can only control yourself.

Maybe you could use some of the money for counselling? Resentment (while it really is understandable) won’t achieve anything in the long run and may harm your own health.

@Seeetwap

The only reason I said you were unreasonable is that you are choosing to waste emotional energy on something you can do absolutely nothing about. He isn't going to change. So stop butting your head against a stone wall. And stop using up valuable energy in anger at a man who doesn't give a shit if you're angry. You aren't hurting or affecting him one teeny bit. But you are hurting and affecting yourself a great deal. Resentment is energy-draining. No wonder you're so tired at the end of the day.

My circumstances are very different from yours, but I was wasting time and energy in resenting my estranged husband. I was angry and resentful he'd pulled my life out from under me. But then I realized I wasn't hurting him, I was hurting myself so I had to let all that negativity go. Doesn't mean I think what he did was fine, or that I've forgiven him. I just means that it's no longer worth my time and effort to keep up the emotions involved. I'm at peace now, and happy. I do still have my 'moments' but they're growing farther and farther apart.

Coming to a place of acceptance with something you feel is unjust is really hard. But it's the only way to get yourself some peace. Then you can use that emotional energy you're currently expending on him on yourself. When you do that, you won't be so exhausted at the end of the day. And you will be happy, I promise you.

Sorry to sound unsympathetic but lots of mums have a far worse situation than you do.
You knew what you were getting into when you married a doctor. It's not glamorous and the hours are long.
He has to stay where he is because there may not be a position nearer - depending on which speciality he's in.
Make the best of it.

I'm sorry life has beaten your bar into hell.
Your scummy ex doesn't make hers a glorious one.

Do you mean fair to you? He doesn't have an obligation to make anything fair to you. You want him to take on more of the mental load of caring for your child and he doesn't want to. It would probably be the same story if you were still together. Just be glad he can provide for your child financially and stop expecting more.

What a depressing thread ☹️.

FWIW OP, you're not unreasonable for wanting your coparent to actually parent.

He is a greedy man. 950 a month barely covers outgoings with childcare, housing, electric, heating, clothing, activities, granted it is more than most people receive, most people don’t have an ex earning 6 figures. You would think that he would want her to have a very good life.
You’ll get mixed responses on here as some people get £10 a week if they’re lucky.
The resident parent nearly always gets the short straw.
I would challenge him.

You made a bad choice in who you chose to make a baby with. Lots of people do. Lots of people make even worse choices. It what it is now. There's no going back. You'll feel much better once you accept it and move on.

Make a plan to make things easier for yourself and DD. Find a babysitter/some childcare that you and DD really like and use them. Get them to do one bedtime a week or the Saturday party shift. Take some time for yourself.

The bar is so low for more than a few on mumsnet. Imagine if Fathers were expected to love and prioritise their children to the best of their ability like most Mothers do. It would be a better world.

If she’s doing school runs I assume the daughter is at school

He pays 1200, cms figure is 950

Which doesn’t cover rent these days. It also halts OP’s ability to work more hours, those dismissing OP most likely get welfare benefits and rent covered. OP wouldn’t if she has a career, he should be meeting half way on all expenses including housing since he cannot take the child for regular access. OP covers full housing, heating and electricity. OP go back to court. he should be paying more at his rate of pay, he’s free to work long shifts as he’s not a single resident parent. He would not have the luxury of OP insisted on giving up the child. Well not without abandoning the child.
childcare expense. All those things exceed 2400 per month.

He doesn’t do any actual parenting so yes he is a shit dad!!!

He should be paying around this much just for child maintenance alone! Then there’s spousal Maintainence on top of around £1000k pcm due to his high salary - did you not have a financial settlement set up?

Of course he’s a shit dad.

I sympathise op

My ex is useless but different useless. He has our 2 kids EOW and some of the holidays but I get no regular maintenance - he sent me £113 last month which is the first time he’s sent me anything in over a year.

unfortunately I’ve realised I can’t do anything about it so I am just trying to accept it. I agree to use the money to buy you time - cleaner, childcare etc.

It is unbearably overwhelming and unfortunately extremely isolating and many people have no idea what it’s like and will just tell you “at least you get all that money” or in my case I’ve been told “at least you get a break”. Being the only parent who really knows and understands the children is a lot of pressure.

I’m trying to see it as a season of life that will hopefully pass and get less intense as the kids get older.

If it makes you feel any better, it will get easier once DD is in school! Make sure to get her on the Afterschool Club list ASAP.
Until then, it is hard and relentless, looking after a child.
Please do spend his money on extra childcare/Nanny to give yourself a break.

You can find someone nice to be like a second Mum - a good Nanny or Au Pair can stay in touch with their children for years to come. And you deserve a break.

She’s in school, it’s in the OP

I think this applies to junior staff but he is a consultant so it’s a bit different.

No its not fair, but you can't change him. My ex took the kids to McDonalds for an hour every Wednesday, that was it. They're in their 20s now and they know who raised them.

Think you’ve posted about this before? Is he not in a niche area where he had to move in order to become a consultant? I remember your posts at the time.

Do you have family nearby who can help sometimes and give you a break?

I’m not on any benefits if that helps, if her costs are 2400, then his 1200 is a decent contribution no?

OP’s situation is not ideal, but isn’t that the hallmark of single parenthood. With a husband/partner costs and life burdens are shouldered by both, however with single parenthood this is rare, from what I have seen. However I could be wrong.

I don’t think OP can change the man, he is already paying above cms, so OP has to find ways to unburden herself, maybe hiring a babysitter one night a week. I’m not sure what the solution is, however I have never heard of an ex partner who isn’t involved much become so through being told or forced etc. Sonetimes the best thing you can do in life is to focus on what’s in your control and go from there.

Not sure if they were married