AIBU to wonder whether to text a colleague whose wife is dying?

[Skyflier]

Can you tell me if I’m overthinking this. I work in a male dominated office with only one other woman. Fairly large team. One of our colleagues is off as his wife is dying. She has been ill for a long time although he doesn’t talk about it at work. He’s not a particularly nice man - can be bad tempered and dismissive and isn’t popular. No one from the team has messaged him and I wondered if I should? We don’t associate outside of work but I’ve recently worked quite closely with him on a project. My other female colleague says I shouldn’t cross the line and well the men just dont want to get involved.
I worry that he thinks no one cares but also that if I do text him he might think I’ve crossed a line between work life and personal life.
If it was the other way around he wouldn’t give me a second thought, but having lost my first husband years ago I know what he’s going through just now.
Just to clarify I have no crush or designs on him at all, he’s just a work colleague.
What would you do?

I would write a card from you and the team and check with hr if it can be sent. I think it is horrendous that nobody has reached out.

I would send a text just to say you and the rest of your work team are thinking of him and his wife. This would be normal anywhere I’ve worked.

It’d be overstepping IMO since you don’t know him other than through work or like him much, and don’t know his wife.

His manager will be keeping in touch with him, so arranging any gestures from the team - or not, as the manager deems appropriate - is up to the manager.

At the very most you could have a word with the manager.

My personal opinion is that small acts of kindness, given sparingly, are what makes us human and could bring him comfort.

I remember many years ago a colleague’s wife died of cancer (in her late 20s). At the time no one said anything because we all felt awkward/didn’t know if we were supposed to know etc.

A few weeks after she died I had a coffee with him as part of my appraisal and I told him I was sorry to hear about his wife’s death and he broke down and said no one else had said anything and he felt so isolated and overlooked.

What’s the worst that could happen? In the absolute worst case scenario he would think its a bit odd but you won’t have lost anything. Far better to show humanity and kindness in someone’s darkest times, even if slightly misjudged, than to totally ignore it.

It depends why and how you have his number.

Is it a work phone or personal? If personal why were the numbers shared? Have you ever messaged him before?

I have a couple of colleagues personal numbers and have messaged randomly, we're not particularly friends but happy to share numbers 1-2-1 and not from a group WhatsApp. I would 100% message those.

IMO using someone's number from a group WhatsApp feels intrusive and I wouldn't appreciate anyone singling me out.

I wouldn't text him. I think it would be intrusive especially as you are not in any way close.

Be kind. Send him a message saying that the whole team is thinking of them at this very difficult time.

I so agree with this. 💗

I don’t understand the drama. I think a simple message saying you’re thinking of him is something he can take some small comfort in or ignore.

I would ask your manager to reach out on behalf of the team to let them know you're all thinking of him.

Do you have his number already? I wouldn't go out of your way to find it, but if you have had contact with him on text already, then I would send a short text telling him that you were very sorry to hear about his wife and that you all thinking of him, and then leave it at that.

Maybe some people just want to be left completely alone, but I think a lot of people also like to have human contact and know that there are people who are thinking of them in hard times. I would make it brief, not require any kind of answer from him, and send it.

I would text him.

For me, being compassionate and kind towards someone is part of what makes us human. I personally couldn't know this information and not say anything. I would rather 'overstep' than not say anything at all. It is just not in my nature.

How can it cause him any harm to know that everyone is thinking of him? It is just a text message.

I would go ahead and send a generic 'you are in our thoughts' message from you and the team, as others have suggested.

What horrid people some of you are. I would send him a message just from you just to say you’re thinking of him.

Do he tell you himself the reason why he is off work? If so, I think a message is fine. But if he hasn’t told you, and there hasn’t been an authorised message from the company, to which he gave permission, then say nothing.

I would send a message.
From personal experience, a few years ago, DH was very ill, and I was caring for him; we had both been members of the same club for over 20 years. Not one person contacted us, just a text to say they were thinking of us would have meant a lot.
Once DH recovered, we got involved with the club again, but my attitude to all the people had changed, I took a step back, and stopped doing things I had been doing before.

I find it sad that simple acts of kindness can now be construed as ‘over stepping’ or ‘inappropriate’. What have we come to that we give so much thought to these things in case we offend.
I wouldn’t hesitate.

There's no work place I've ever worked in where it wouldn't be normal to reach out and send a text saying that you were thinking of him.

I'm totally shocked at the number of people who wouldn't!

I would txt, my wife was in intensive care last year and they weren't sure if she would survive.
I was grateful for every message l got. Was also a little hurt that only one person from work messaged me in 12 weeks. We had worked together for years. I get people dont know what to say or dont want to intrude,but a simple thinking of you message is not really intruding.

Treat others as you would like to be treated yourself……. So yes I would message him, even if he wouldn’t likely do the same

Thank you everyone who has replied. It’s in my nature to be kind and reach out. I appreciated every message I had when my first DH died but so many people have said it’s an overstep that I was second guessing myself.
personal mobile numbers are available in our workplace but I’ve never text him before. I’ll send a generic “thinking of you” message and leave it at that.
I appreciate everyone’s point of view though

Really shocking that people wouldn’t message him at a time like this. Some things are bigger than a person being bad tempered or unpopular.

Absolutely 100% agree. It's awful to feel like nobody cares about you when you're going through something so life changing. I had a different situation but nobody from work reached out to me, and i felt so isolated and forgotten about. It was awful.

Yes I think you should message him. I think we can overthink things like this, I have in the past, but I think it’s human to say something.

I think you are doing the right thing sending a brief 'thinking of you' message just from you