AIBU to wonder whether to text a colleague whose wife is dying?

[Skyflier]

Can you tell me if I’m overthinking this. I work in a male dominated office with only one other woman. Fairly large team. One of our colleagues is off as his wife is dying. She has been ill for a long time although he doesn’t talk about it at work. He’s not a particularly nice man - can be bad tempered and dismissive and isn’t popular. No one from the team has messaged him and I wondered if I should? We don’t associate outside of work but I’ve recently worked quite closely with him on a project. My other female colleague says I shouldn’t cross the line and well the men just dont want to get involved.
I worry that he thinks no one cares but also that if I do text him he might think I’ve crossed a line between work life and personal life.
If it was the other way around he wouldn’t give me a second thought, but having lost my first husband years ago I know what he’s going through just now.
Just to clarify I have no crush or designs on him at all, he’s just a work colleague.
What would you do?

This is the best way. It doesn’t cross any lines and gives a collective feeling of support

Same. I once worked on a team that completely ignored a terrible situation I was in. It made it very difficult for me to go back to work, as my whole life had changed beyond recognition and not one of them ever acknowledged it, and I left as soon as I could. I’ve never forgotten their coldness.

I would send a message.

However I did this in the past and then received a series of absolutely distraught phone calls from a colleague who was grieving. We weren’t that close so her judgement was off. It was also very triggering for me as someone who hadn’t quite dealt with my own grief of losing a parent.

Hopefully this guy will have better boundaries.

Good I'm very glad you're going to do it but I think you should make it clear the message is from all of you to both of them.

I had this too.

I was pregnant and I was rushed into hospital before full term and before I went on maternity leave. I lost my baby and was in ICU for weeks.

I got a bunch of flowers from work but no card or anything, just a generic 'thinking of you'.

Despite having each others mobile numbers only one out of my team text me personally to say I am sorry for your loss. ONE!

When I eventually was given a clean bill of health, and to go back to work, 3 months later, not one person at work addressed what had happened or spoke about it or offered up personal words of 'sorry'. Everyone just completely ignored it and I was so bloody hurt that I handed my notice in and left the company.

I get that people may feel weird or awkward but for me, its not an excuse to ignore something heartbreaking, massive and life changing that had happened in my life. Its just human nature to show empathy and compassion.

Yes, this. I find it odd that people can treat those that they spend 8 hours daily with as if they were complete strangers.

This is exactly what i would do, and have done in the past. Except that it was the man who was dying, not their spouse. Even a collegue who didn't get on the the individual and had been in spats with him wrote a lovely message.

Not liking someone at work is completely different to wishing them ill, or ignoring them in an tragic life event. And it doesn't have to be about assuaging guilt either, everyone can benefit from a bit of catharsis, putting aside work nonsense and aknowledging that we're all just humans trying to bugger our way through this thing called life.

It's a lovely thought OP.

I completely agree with this.

"Over-stepping" would be besieging him with messages. "Inappropriate" would be turning up at the funeral, uninvited. A single, well-judged and compassionate message expressing sympathy can never be over-stepping.

I think its batshit that concern about being "inappropriate" would trump concern for someone's welfare. It's quite a British thing, this, in many cultures it wouldn't cross anyone's mind to consider that expressing sympathy would be inappropriate. For all the things I love about this country, I find it really fucked up that people would worry more about "being inappropriate" than about the need to be compassionate to someone going through a dark time.

I’m so sorry you went through this. I get people feel awkward but I’d rather say something, even if it’s clumsy or awkward. When my first husband died I just loved being able to say his name or talk about him. I never got offended. X

I once had a lot of time off work in a similar situation. I appreciated singular texts from people I didn’t know well wishing me well. Ones that asked intrusive questions and tried to make it seem like we were closer than we are landed badly and felt intrusive. So it’s a fine line. However, you are thinking about him and feeling sorry for his loss/situation so I think it’s ok to let him know that. And then leave it there.

Oh I’m so sorry. That is genuinely shocking that no one reached out to you after such a terrible loss. It’s very hard to understand as I just can’t imagine not acknowledging a loss like that. I hope you found a warmer group of colleagues. I have and this post and the replies are making me appreciate them even more.

I do agree. I was just surprised that so many people IRL were horrified I was planning to text and telling me not to. If it was a colleague I was close to I wouldn’t have hesitated at all x

I think the fact that work has provided a list if personal mobile numbers is important. It suggests that occasionally using them may be appropriate.

I agree that this is such a time. I stand with everyone who has both deeply appreciated this outreach and felt its absence. I also agree that your message should emphasise that you are thinking of both your colleague and his wife.

I would make it personal, without bringing in anyone else unless they specifically wish to be included. No one has asked you to do this, after all. But it is a lovely thought.

I work in a similar environment and would/have texted in at times like this in the past.

Just keep it simple, no intrusive questions and nothing thst he has to reply to.

Keep it simple..."Thinking of you and your wife at this very difficult time".

If you’ve never text him before, I would send a card.

I personally would, just say thinking of you, no need to respond etc

I covered temporarily for someone who was off because his wife was dying. I emailed him to let him know that I had arrived, his team were in good hands, and that we were all thinking about him and sending him and his wife our best wishes. When he came back to work he thanked me for reaching out as he’d had no contact from anyone else in the office - not his wife, not HR, not his deputy. It made a difference to him, so please do send something, even if from the team.

Not his boss, not his wife, obviously. 🤦🏼‍♀️

I would send a card from everyone in the office, after telling them that’s what you will be doing

Omg some of these responses. Check with HR?! Overstepping!! Send him a message and say you're thinking of him. Your decency and common sense should prevail x

I would get a nice card and make all of the team sign it. It will mean more than one person's message.

I'd be careful with sending heartfelt messages if you're not good friends. Men in their grandiose ego tend to think that every woman that is friendly and nice to them is hitting on them. I've seen this over and over again.

I don’t understand the drama here. Just send a brief message to him letting him know that he and his family are in your thoughts.

A message saying you are thinking of him and his wife is a kind gesture and one that might bring him a shred of comfort in what must be a time of incredible grief and sadness and darkness

I would discuss with the manager and be prepared to send a generic text on behalf of the team

Not quite the same but I have an elderly vulnerable relative who had been a tenant of the same housing provider for 20 odd years. She lives alone and is disables and feels quite bitter that no one from the agency or the housing provider got in touch during Covid to make sure she was ok or needed any kind of help. She thought she had a good relationship with the LL but has now become very transactional in her thinking. She says she would not have expected practical help but just an email or text would have been appreciated. She herself signed up with a local charity to ring and chat to several older people.

I agree -give him the benefit of the doubt and send a supportive text. Perhaps he’s been bad tempered and dismissive lately because he’s not coping with his wife’s illness. Life as a carer for someone with a terminal illness alongside paid work is a tough gig: It’s not to excuse bad behaviour in the workplace but it might explain it.