AIBU to wonder whether to text a colleague whose wife is dying?

[Skyflier]

Can you tell me if I’m overthinking this. I work in a male dominated office with only one other woman. Fairly large team. One of our colleagues is off as his wife is dying. She has been ill for a long time although he doesn’t talk about it at work. He’s not a particularly nice man - can be bad tempered and dismissive and isn’t popular. No one from the team has messaged him and I wondered if I should? We don’t associate outside of work but I’ve recently worked quite closely with him on a project. My other female colleague says I shouldn’t cross the line and well the men just dont want to get involved.
I worry that he thinks no one cares but also that if I do text him he might think I’ve crossed a line between work life and personal life.
If it was the other way around he wouldn’t give me a second thought, but having lost my first husband years ago I know what he’s going through just now.
Just to clarify I have no crush or designs on him at all, he’s just a work colleague.
What would you do?

What awful advice. Overstepping the mark to show you care?

I think it would be a good idea to send him a card just from you. He may well be bad tempered because of the anticipatory grief he will no doubt be going through.

Having just been through this (my wife died of cancer in October last year) ...........although I'm not horrible at work (or anywhere really) .............I welcomed the thoughts of others before/during.............but it was afterwards that really counted. And still counts...........life moves on for people and the initial whirlwind of help has totally died off now ............but there is a core of people, some from quite unexpected quarters, that consistently get in touch, arrive unannounced with something (food or puddings mostly) or offer to hoover or move the kids around. Some people I really didn't know well have stepped up in a way others, closer, haven't. But thoughts prior - they were all welcomed. His gruff exterior might just be his way of coping with the out-of-body experience of caring for a dieing loved-one at home. He might actually be really struggling mentally/physically. Send your thoughts/offer to help. If he rejects it, so be it but at least you've tried. He might be looking for someone wholly removed from the family to get involved - you never know. Mind you - he might not want your help because he doesn't want to say anything that might be used against him at work.

Not that I'm saying you'd do that of course (but just the overall fear of something getting back to work, that compromised his position/or changed attitudes). Just to clarify.

No, obviously not always done for selfish reasons, but occasionally. As I said earlier, I had messages from people who I knew didn't particularly care, but just felt they should say something, and those 'thinking of you' messages that didn't actually mean anything real didn't help me - or people feeling like they should sign a card, comment in some way, and frankly, they don't always really care very much. They can't say that, though.

My point was that someone said that it can't possibly be inappropriate to send a message, and it was always the right thing to do, and I was giving some examples of occasions where I wouldn't have found it kind. It doesn't mean someone shouldn't do it, though, but that people can be aware that their own reactions to things and what they personally find kind are not universally perceived that way, and by being aware of that, they can consider carefully the actual situation and see other viewpoints when deciding what to do. I hope that most people DO care, and thus would send messages for the right reasons, but it's clear that they don't always. Sometimes they don't really think of you, or honestly care, or want to offer any of the things that they might have said they did - it can feel a bit performative.

Yes of course messages from people that do care are welcome and kind and helpful.

The trouble is that experiences like your colleague’s difficult to deal with.
Some colleagues like to be proactive and connect with them - but the recipient just wants to be left alone at work.
They don’t want to talk about it.

On, the other hand, your colleague might be extremely glad you did, and gets things off his chest.

Tread carefully.

No, obviously not always done for selfish reasons, but occasionally. As I said earlier, I had messages from people who I knew didn't particularly care, but just felt they should say something, and those 'thinking of you' messages that didn't actually mean anything real didn't help me - or people feeling like they should sign a card, comment in some way, and frankly, they don't always really care very much. They can't say that, though

I guess my point is that its impossible to know what someone’s motivation is for sending a message like that. There may be a percentage of people who don’t really care but feel it’s expected of them, yes. But I firmly believe that the vast majority of people, when anyone is facing a genuinely traumatic and tragic situation, will feel some compassion even if they don’t massively care about the person. That’s where the humanity comes in.

We don’t have the emotional capacity to feel huge empathy for everyone we know day to day and you can’t blame people for not being hugely emotionally invested in the lives of people they don’t know well. But everyone can appreciate that the death of a loved one is a horrible and life changing tragedy.

The fact that someone isn’t a close friend or even an ally doesn’t invalidate the humanity they express in the moment and I would always rather have good wishes, even temporary ones, than feel I have to interrogate the deep motivations behind them to see how “genuine” they are.

As for whether they “help”: if my spouse was dying I suspect expressions if sympathy would not make a huge difference to my state of mind. But wouldn’t you rather have compassion than nothing?

Have to agree with this. Slightly different experience. About 15 years ago I found out the father of my children was having an affair and two months later I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Initially lots of shock and sympathy but once I was off undergoing treatment pretty much nothing. The one person who contacted me was a peer I wasn’t particularly close to and was considered a bit difficult and awkward to deal with but he was really lovely. He was the one work person who would send me a text just to ask how I was and it really meant so much.

I would definitely do it. He may not have been the most pleasant person to work with but if he’s been dealing with wife with health problems it might go some way to explaining it.

We are human first and foremost and having empathy is an emotion I don’t think a lot of people have anymore.

Yes I would message. I think it’s irrelevant your aren’t super close. People still want to wish someone well even if they aren’t close because that’s what we are all here for - family. We don’t go to work for sheer enjoyment, we go to be able to care for and look after family. Therefore if something like this happens, showing empathy can’t be anything other than a good thing.

It doesn’t need to be personal in specific detail but knowing someone is thinking of you during this time is a kind thing to do.

I find it strange your manager on a team call hasn’t mentioned it and sending flowers or something on behalf of the team/company. That’s quite sad too.

I was quite horrified no one had actually been in touch. The company will send the ubiquitous card and flowers when his wife sadly dies but when I asked a couple of the men he works closely with how he was they said they were “giving him space” so hadn’t messaged.
I feel better now I have and he acknowledged it, not from a selfish “look how nice I am” way - just that we are all human and he’s going through a terrible time

Perfect response

A text to ask how he is doing etc...wouldnt be amiss here.

As they teach the kids at my DGD’s school, in a world in which you can choose to be anything, choose kind.

Exactly and they could arrange a card and flowers.

I would drop him a message. When I was 21 my mother was dying and I took unpaid leave for 4 months to nurse her and no one from my group sent me a message. It was the loneliest and saddest thing of my life and many years later I still remember this.