AIBU to wonder whether to text a colleague whose wife is dying?

[Skyflier]

Can you tell me if I’m overthinking this. I work in a male dominated office with only one other woman. Fairly large team. One of our colleagues is off as his wife is dying. She has been ill for a long time although he doesn’t talk about it at work. He’s not a particularly nice man - can be bad tempered and dismissive and isn’t popular. No one from the team has messaged him and I wondered if I should? We don’t associate outside of work but I’ve recently worked quite closely with him on a project. My other female colleague says I shouldn’t cross the line and well the men just dont want to get involved.
I worry that he thinks no one cares but also that if I do text him he might think I’ve crossed a line between work life and personal life.
If it was the other way around he wouldn’t give me a second thought, but having lost my first husband years ago I know what he’s going through just now.
Just to clarify I have no crush or designs on him at all, he’s just a work colleague.
What would you do?

If his wife's been ill for years is it any wonder he's prickly and bad tempered?

I can't imagine an office culture where there's even a question about this. For sure send a message. I (male) have a colleague (female) who's hubby is waiting for an op and I made a point of having a 30 minute teams call (we work remotely) for just the two of us so we could catch up on "life". If it was someone I didn't particularly gel with I'd have definitely sent a message instead, and someone would already have arranged a card. When there's been a family bereavement a bouquet is sent.

Maybe he "isn't a nice person" because of what has been going on in his personal life.

If it was me, I would be quite touched to someone reaching out to me at such a bad time.

I personally would send the message, maybe just explain you know what he is going through, and if he wants/needs to talk your there. Men aren't great at showing feelings or talking let's face it

Oh men so aren’t - hence all the men in the office not wanting to get involved. I don’t think there will be any more communication but I feel better now I’ve messaged and HR will organise something when his wife sadly dies. I feel bad I second guessed my own instincts but I appreciated all the responses

Yes send the message. When dd died, I got a handful of messages from work colleagues. I remember them all, 8 years on.

I would maybe text him, telling him how you lost your husband and that you are there for him if he would like to talk. He maybe doesn't know that you have also lost someone, so you know what he is going through. He might not reach out, but you aren't crossing a boundary.

I probably would.

So many people are saying it would overstep. How is sending a message to a colleague saying thinking of him during this difficult time. I’m sure it’d be appreciated and know people care.

Can’t believe the number of people who wouldn’t send a kind message. Really shocked actually. How can it be inappropriate to be kind to a work colleague - or any acquaintance going through something like that?

I also thought what the previous poster did. If his wife has been ill for some years, this is likely significantly contributing to his bad temperedness

I could be inappropriate because the colleague wants to keep his work life fairly separate from his personal life, for example, so that when he comes back it is easier for him to be able to focus/compartmentalise, which is how some people's minds work. If he hasn't been very forthcoming with details, and people don't typically use his private number, that might be a possibility.

Or he might not want messages from people who don't really care, which is often the case with colleagues - they are messaging because it feels like they should, they feel guilty, they want to look like nice people, whatever. Not everyone would find a message from a random colleague who doesn't actually care that much very comforting or kind, and it might seem inappropriate for them to be sending it because it's more about them than the person who is suffering.

I am not saying that those are the case here (they clearly aren't), or indeed in many cases. but sometimes they are. And I think it's worth people thinking around the topic a bit about what other people might or might not find helpful or kind or comforting, as it's clearly not always the same, and that's actually quite useful to be aware of.

I'm glad you sent the message @Skyflier - you did the right thing.

It's really sad to think so many people told you not to. Having been through it yourself, you knew it was the right thing to do.

He's probably been prickly and difficult to work with due to having this in the background.

When he returns to work, I'm sure you'll offer him the compassion and empathy he needs, as he sadly won't receive any from any of the others.

Message him. It's not crossing any line, it's being a human.

Make the message as human poss - so 'Sending kind thoughts at this difficult time. I hope you are doing OK and your wife is comfortable. (name)

I would text him to say that you are thinking of him but don't expect a reply.

Boundaries - you say he isn't pleasant to work with, and even if he was I wouldn't. If you feel you must do something have a word with your manager and see what he/she says. Go on their lead.

Personally I think it's more appropriate to wait until his wife has passed, and send a colendensces card with prior permission.

Whatever you do don't put from you and the team on a card. The team might not like it as it's being presumptuous they would approve. Best is to ask people to sign a card if you do that

Of course I would send a message, even if we’re not close. I’m shocked to hear that no one has done it yet. It’s so sad and selfish. I would also organise a card and flowers from the team when his wife passes away.

I think the company you work for should have sent him something on behalf of everyone. It is terrible that they haven’t.

This year in my team at work one colleague's wife has had a major mental health issue and electric therapy. He's a very irascible colleague but we were all supportive. Another colleague has had an adult child undergo life changing surgery we all supportive. Not checking in to support as a team is off, it's not about personalities

I absolutely would - the worst that could happen is he might not welcome it and it might be a little embarrassing for you - I would take minor embarrassment over what he's feeling.

Send a nice text.

I’m glad you sent it.

My DD has been unwell for a while and has had a couple of intensive care stays. It blows my mind when my manager just ignores it when I get back to work and actively avoids me, the same for some colleagues who know what has happened.

I hugely appreciate the ones who check in with a kind message.

Just seen your update - you did the right thing.

This!

@LiliesOnTheWater

Or he might not want messages from people who don't really care, which is often the case with colleagues - they are messaging because it feels like they should, they feel guilty, they want to look like nice people, whatever. Not everyone would find a message from a random colleague who doesn't actually care that much very comforting or kind, and it might seem inappropriate for them to be sending it because it's more about them than the person who is suffering

I think this is a really odd way to look at it. You say people “don’t really care” and are doing it just out of obligation? I don’t think that’s a thing.

People may sign cards out of duty but I don’t think anyone would put themselves through the awkward process of texting somebody they didn’t know that well whose spouse was dying out of obligation.

As for it being more about them than the person who is suffering: what does that even mean? Does that mean expressing sympathy is always done for selfish reasons? I find this mindset baffling.

I would send a message, but I think a text message like you suggest followed by a delivery of of a meal or biscuits from management would be more thoughtful. (Suggested to management by his team.)

I’d get everyone to write in a card and send it to him rather than text.