AIBU to wonder whether to text a colleague whose wife is dying?

[Skyflier]

Can you tell me if I’m overthinking this. I work in a male dominated office with only one other woman. Fairly large team. One of our colleagues is off as his wife is dying. She has been ill for a long time although he doesn’t talk about it at work. He’s not a particularly nice man - can be bad tempered and dismissive and isn’t popular. No one from the team has messaged him and I wondered if I should? We don’t associate outside of work but I’ve recently worked quite closely with him on a project. My other female colleague says I shouldn’t cross the line and well the men just dont want to get involved.
I worry that he thinks no one cares but also that if I do text him he might think I’ve crossed a line between work life and personal life.
If it was the other way around he wouldn’t give me a second thought, but having lost my first husband years ago I know what he’s going through just now.
Just to clarify I have no crush or designs on him at all, he’s just a work colleague.
What would you do?

It’s not being glossed over if people don’t know, by request.

Well you said he's difficult and not particularly nice. Usually the feeling is mutual between people and he may feel the same way, not sure I'd be care to receive condolences from someone I think isn't nice.

But I'm sure it's not a big deal either way.

Fair enough. But in this case it’s public knowledge.

Jesus what sort of place do you work at that you can’t send a condolence to someone who is going through a horrific time?! I’m shocked you would even doubt this, wow. Where has empathy and humanity gone in this world 😣

I'm glad you sent it, and glad he replied.
It was a kind thing to do.

Yes I said that but I didn’t say I disliked him or that he disliked me. He’s a difficult personality with everyone - prickly and bad tempered. But he’s a young man going through a horrible time so I can overlook that for one message. It’s done now and he thanked me so all good :)

As someone recently bereaved, I need to make my position clear: do it, reach out. Make no demands, just state how sorry you are and you’re thinking of him.

Grief is an incredibly lonely place when nobody bothers.

edit: just saw you did reach out. I’m glad.

exceptional circumstances. Not overstepping.

“Hello David, I just wanted to let you know you know that you are in my thoughts during this difficult time. Let me know if I can help you.”

I did not read the full thread. Well done OP. I can be so difficult during end of life. I got a text from friend ma husband and said friend was to raw as her mum had died from cancer and not to contact her as she is too upset. I spent ages prevaricating and really regret not sending plant or flower.

It is awful. Is your workplace so horrible to everyone, OP, or just him? Some workplaces treat people very differently, eg send cards/flowers to the chosen ones when they're ill/have a bereavement, and do nothing for others.
OP, you at least should do the decent thing-if everyone else is horrible, you don't have to be.

Fully agree with this

I so agree with this. If your intention is pure, it may just give him a moment’s peace in a very dark time.

This.
Or send a card with the same sentiment in it.

Definitely text him.

My father died 40 years ago when I was in my early 20s - before the age of computers, never mind social media. I took a couple of weeks off and my boss sent me a long, compassionate letter. I still have that letter and think so kindly of the man who sent it.
Send the text.

Depends if people actually DO care, or are thinking of him or not, as to whether I'd suggest a team message, or just something personal. Often it seems like people feel like they should send something, so they say "thinking of you" or whatever, when, really, they're not. They are vaguely sorry it's happened, or glad it's not happening to them, or whatever, but don't honestly think about the person very much, particularly if they're not hugely popular. I don't like getting messages in that situation - especially when accompanied by the "if there's anything I can do..." - because it turns out they don't necessarily want to be taken up on that, either! I'd appreciate messages only from someone who does honestly care, even a small amount, and isn't just sending a message because they feel guilty, or feel like it'll protect them from it happening to them, or because they want to seem like a good person etc. It sounds here like the OP is genuinely thinking about him, so that's fine, but the rest of the team might not, and I think it's probably good not to end up with a bit of a meaningless group message.

You did the right thing. I absolutely would have done the same.

I would think if he has had a very serious ill wife for years who is now dying he’s allowed to be grumpy and difficult. How do any of us know how we’d behave in similar circumstances?

This.

My friend was widowed when we were relatively young. She always said doing nothing was the worst thing when someone dies, showing you care is never wrong, doesnt matter what you do. So i think you've absolutely done the right thing texting, and I'm sure he'll appreciate it.
There needs to be more kindness and people like you in the world 💐

Do what your heart is telling you….I’d say send a brief message 😊

Glad you sent the message OP.

It's almost become a thing not to make human connections or not cross boundaries in some work places, it's changed so much in the last 20 years and it's isolating. A bit of kindness and compassion is no bad thing.

Just send a message. If you have his contact details through legitimate means and the situation with his wife wasn’t a secret then sending a “I didn’t know if you’d want to hear from anyone at work but just to let you know you are in our thoughts.” May be welcomed. And if not, no harm done.

I wonder if it’s the current times, everyone terrified of offending someone. When I was very ill in hospital with cancer thirty year’s ago I was inundated with cards, well wishes and visitors from my work. Obviously no texts in those days but no one was giving a thought to overstepping or the appropriateness. Male colleagues were just as forthcoming in their well wishes as the women. It’s a sad world today to have to wonder if genuine kindness might be misconstrued.

Why?

A couple of times recently (with intimidating bosses) I’ve preempted condolences with ‘At the risk of saying nothing’ and going from there. It is rubbish when someone you love dies and even worse if no one mentions it. It sparks more of a conversation if they want but also they can just say thanks and walk off.