AIBU to wonder whether to text a colleague whose wife is dying?

[Skyflier]

Can you tell me if I’m overthinking this. I work in a male dominated office with only one other woman. Fairly large team. One of our colleagues is off as his wife is dying. She has been ill for a long time although he doesn’t talk about it at work. He’s not a particularly nice man - can be bad tempered and dismissive and isn’t popular. No one from the team has messaged him and I wondered if I should? We don’t associate outside of work but I’ve recently worked quite closely with him on a project. My other female colleague says I shouldn’t cross the line and well the men just dont want to get involved.
I worry that he thinks no one cares but also that if I do text him he might think I’ve crossed a line between work life and personal life.
If it was the other way around he wouldn’t give me a second thought, but having lost my first husband years ago I know what he’s going through just now.
Just to clarify I have no crush or designs on him at all, he’s just a work colleague.
What would you do?

I absolutely would send a message, wouldn’t think twice about it. It’s a perfectly normal and human thing to do. They must be going through hell. I would also approach HR about sending a card collectively. I can’t think of a single reason why anybody wouldn’t do that for a colleague about to navigate horrendous loss.

Perfect. It would be very well received I’m sure, whereas a solitary text might arrive at a very bad moment snd allow him totally to misinterpret it.
Frankly I think your boss or HR should be on this already; what a shower.
Good for you for having him in your thoughts.

We’ve had a similar situation at work and sadly the wife died last week. Several people sent texts but made it clear ‘no response needed’ so that he didn’t feel as though he needed to reply. We’ve signed a card and have clubbed together for some flowers too.

In a scenario like this, obviously you don’t want to be intrusive but at the same time, this is a man who’s going through hell and he might really appreciate knowing that people care.

I wouldn't. If it was a colleague you weren't particularly close to, but considered a work friend, definitely do it. But someone you actively dislike?

I don’t “actively dislike him”. He’s a difficult personality but when I worked with him on a project we got on ok. He’s not popular with the office but I never said I disliked him, we just aren’t close colleagues.

Would be perfectly normal to do this.

Message or card from the team.

When I was away from work when my partner was dying I had some messages from people who I rarely interacted with at all. They were very much appreciated and I found it incredibly kind, not weird.
Send a message.

Just do it. When DH was dying a few months ago I appreciated nice messages from anyone.

When my DD was in primary school, one of her friends dad died. It was quick and unexpected. I didn't really know the mum very well but when I saw her the next morning, she was walking across the playground with her DC and the other parents were just sort of watching her and obviously so awkward. I walked right over and probably said the wrong thing but I told her I'd rather come and say something than nothing and I was so sorry etc. She told me much later that she was so grateful that someone had said anything as that first walk across the playground was awful for her.
Please do say something to him.

I wouldn’t

Why are the personal phone numbers available?

If he had given you his telephone number, then that would be one thing, but if you haven’t had it directly from him, then no.

That sounds perfect.

I’m surprised by some of these responses. Unless he has told you himself or authorised someone else to do so, you can’t go around gossiping or mentioning his personal situation. I feel very strongly about this. I’m ill with cancer and have heard nothing from my work colleagues because I asked my manager not to tell anyone. I have only told her. She had to tell HR and her manager, which I knew about. I would be appalled to get messages from my work colleagues, even though they are lovely people. It’d be a gross invasion of my privacy, and it’d disciplinary action, no doubt, for the person who told others.

You're overthinking it.

My husband died two months ago after a short illness and both he and I got random messages from a whole variety of people.

Just send it, it's not like he has to answer if he doesn't want to.

Our personal numbers are all available. It’s always been that way. No one ever really uses them but can do if urgent. We have a group chat as well

He authorised someone in the team to tell us. It’s not a massive secret - we all know she is ill

@Skyflier if people basically get pressured into handing it over (why are workplaces like this) then I wouldn’t message him. I can imagine a lot of people just hand over the number because it’s too much hassle not to. Group chat for work FFS).

You also don’t know if he’s alright with people knowing - just leave it I reckon.

I’m sorry you are going through this and you are entitled to feel as you do.

But respectfully I think that’s a fairly extreme perspective. I think most people would prefer tactful sympathy to something being totally glossed over.

And in this case it seems that the guy has authorised someone to tell colleagues.

I would reach out, definitely.

It is common knowledge in the team that his wife has been ill for many years and that she is now terminal.
I’ve never minded my mobile being available to my workmates. No one abuses it

"She has been ill for a long time although he doesn’t talk about it at work"

There's your answer. I would be inclined to leave well alone.

Thank you everyone. I sent a text saying I was thinking of him and his wife and he replied with a “thank you”. I feel better for having done it and thank you for everyone’s point of view.

Ok, that’s very different then.

I’m so sorry that happened to you.