My husband wants me to pay more towards the bills…

[ZiggyNiko]

I’d really appreciate some outside perspective because I’m starting to feel like I’m being unreasonable, but I’m not sure.
My husband earns around £4,000 a month and I earn around £1,500. I only work 3 days a week because our youngest isn’t at nursery yet, so increasing my hours isn’t really an option at the moment.
We don’t have a mortgage, but my husband wants me to take over the council tax and electricity, which come to around £500 a month combined.
I already pay approximately £500 a month for groceries, as well as paying for our two children’s activities, days out, clothes, and various other expenses for them.
When we go on holiday, say a £4,000 holiday, I’ll usually contribute around £1,000. Even that is difficult for me on my income.
My husband says he runs out of money every month, but the problem is that I have no idea where his money is going. He doesn’t seem willing to sit down and go through the finances with me and explain what he’s spending it on.
What really bothers me is that he somehow has the money for an annual £1,000 golf trip, while telling me that he doesn’t have enough money and that I should take on more household bills.
I’m not saying he shouldn’t have hobbies or spend money on himself. But given the huge difference in our incomes, and the fact that I’m working reduced hours partly because of childcare, I feel like our finances should be looked at as a household rather than simply splitting bills.
Am I being unreasonable for thinking he should be contributing significantly more to the household expenses?

If it was the solicitor’s mistake they would not charge to correct it. Did you not have any contact with them during the sale?

For finances either pool all money and live like a family unit, or work out all outgoings and split them proportionate to income.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Now I know he is financially abusive.

I think there is more afoot here than just finances, but to answer your question @ZiggyNiko my wife and I worked out what our total household expenditure was, and then each put in an amount proportional to our income. For you, your total income is 5500, 1500 is 27% of that, so your contribution would be 27% of whatever your total expenses are if you were to follow our model.

The rest of our wages were our own, although only on paper as if we needed some big ticket item, it didn't matter who paid for it. It was all collective funds. It just worked for us.

Agreed. I'll never understand the whole 'splitting' finances thing.

My DH earns more than me and we don’t pool because I don’t want to. I’d rather keep that side of my independence. It’s not always a controlling husband

This is clearly a financial abuse situation. I'm so sorry you are in this position. I would look at trying to increase your work hours for more income.
If you are a Spanish citizen then luckily
you and your children have more freedom of movement.
One thing I will say, is with the Council tax to also check you are named on the property/Electoral roll. If he wants you to pay the council tax, make sure there is a clear trail that it is you that pays it and there is evidence you live there. Do you have any other bills in your name at the address?
If he says you are not on the deeds of the property, has he potentially re-mortgaged the house at some point?
Good luck

How’s the water, home insurance, car insurance, car maintenance, tv licence, other contracts, internet & tv subscriptions, house maintenance etc getting paid? We have a shared bills account with direct debits for all this stuff, a separate joint acct for groceries, family things and DC’s stuff and then keep our own spends, so it’s easy to see how much the “bills” are actually costing. Once it’s all ring-fenced from the “personal” money it makes having a dispassionate conversation about how much we each put into the pot much easier.

I have not read the whole thread but what I have read is making me sad.

I wonder if he wanted another child was to keep wifey at home and distracted whilst he could get on with all of what he is doing without being noticed.

@ZiggyNiko do not feel guilty about considering a termination. It was an option at the time. That is it.

But the 'percentage based on earnings' is massively unfair to the lower earner, especially in cases where she (because it's usually a she) earns less because she works part time and also does most/all childcare, cleaning, laundry and cooking.

Say their joint household/child costs are £4000:

27% of £4000 is £1080, leaving the OP with £420 personal money.

Her DH pays the other 73%, which is £2920, leaving him with £1080 personal money, so more than twice as much.

Much fairer if they pool all money, pay all joint costs, including topping up the OPs pension and savings for joint costs. Then split the rest 50/50 for personal money.

We have a spread sheet that lists every expense (or rough estimate for things like food. We total up all the expenses and then subtract that amount from our joint income and divide the remainder by two and that’s how much we each have left after bills are paid.
The house deed’s was deliberate you don’t accidentally leave a name off you just didn’t get added.

@ZiggyNiko I would recommend you see a solicitor on your own regarding the deeds. They can help you to register your interest in the property without your H's 'permission'.

He is a dickhead, he has stolen from you (the house deposit), while casting questioning your own intentions. He is projecting, the greedy bastard!

Would he agree to each of you working 4 days and having a day each with the DC? I suspect I know the answer.

I think this sounds like financial abuse.
You should have a joint account; all of your income goes in there and all of your bills come out- the bills, kids activities, savings, pension contributions, vets bills, clothes for kids - all comes out of here. You work out what goes in and how much come out. What’s left over is split equally between you; there should also be a sum for each of you for daily spending coffees / sandwich out or whatever.

You absolutely need to know what he is doing with his money because you are married; it’s legally not just his money. And you also need a full overview of the bills and what that looks like. If he is denying you that, it’s financially abusive. Is he using money as a means to control you? To control what you can / cannot do? It sounds like it to me; that is financial abuse.

give him one last chance to sit down with you and make a spreadsheet of your household budget, everyone shows their accounts at this point and you decide the new plan together. If he will not do this, you are likely better off divorced. Depending on where you are in the world, you may actually be better off financially divorced because he would be actually paying you child maintenance which he basically isn’t doing now.

good luck. Speak to someone in real life about this, don’t sit with it alone. Xxx

I did say it worked for us, it doesn't work for everyone, and yes, I take the point. There are definitely scenarios where it wouldn't work.

I did also say that the rest of our money was communal should it need to be, but our way worked for us.

Without knowing the total outgoings, it is all supposition, and in their case, there is more going on than just money I suspect.

Normally I would say a family should work together and money should be shared but in this case it sounds like if you share more of the money you're earning he's just going to take it.
Perhaps he might be struggling with a gambling issue. I would ring a helpline and get advice.

If the solicitor really had made a mistake leaving you off the deeds it wouldn't cost you a penny to sort it out - the solicitor would have to rectify their error as it would be incredibly negligent. I suspect though that there was no error

Do not even consider paying more into the household until the house is in both your names, and until you can fully see his expenditure. At the moment it sounds like a number of his regular expenses (e.g. vapes, possibly car lease) are for him alone

Our split was similar. We each paid the same percentage of our wages into a pot for joint things including all those child related. The remainder was for us to spend or save as we wish. This worked great for 30 years. If he wanted to spend £1k on a golf holiday then he could crack on, but there would be no further contribution from me. Definitely not any joint pots where one is a saver and one a spender. And definitely not me taking on financial responsibility for all things children. That sets a tone.

He absolutely won't be doing that because he's financially abusing you. I'd be looking into divorce if I were you!

Add your monthly income together

Cover all monthly expenses including cost of each of your commutes to work + monthly savings for holidays + date nights + family days out

Then what ever is left over agree on a monthly spends each and put the rest in a savings account/Ernie Bonds/ share portfolio etc etc

If your dh is running out of money and he earns £4000 per month and isn’t paying a mortgage, rent, nursery fees, all dc’s ECA’s, and food shopping and wants you to take over council tax and electricity because he can’t afford them then he needs to get rid of his car, his vaping habit and his £1000 golfing trips .

Can I ask where you get £200 per month electricity bills from.
Granted it might be that much because we are in the middle of a heatwave but I have lived in an all electric house and the bills were astronomical

£200 per month in summer could be right but we tried to keep it below £400 per month in colder months and froze (First time I had ice on the inside of the windows since childhood)

I think if we wanted a warm house it would have cost 4 figures per month to heat.

In that money chat also advise him you will be sorting having your name 50% on the property. Even if you’re paying for it. At what point of exchange and completion did you realise you did in fact pay half yet have no entitlement. You are screwed and it will become VERY messy if you decide to part. Get that sorted just out of security for you and the children.

No taxation without representation - full financial transparency before any discussion on other payments. I am not convinced he is acting in good faith either so protect yourself. He’s has already sabotaged more than a few things.

There were red flags before you posted this.
Personally i think this is another red flag.

In terms of bank statements.

I'd want him to log on to his online bank amd let you yourself sit at the laptop and down load the statements.

Chatgpt can doctor pdfs in 20 seconds.

This
I get that not all couples have the one finance pot, their choice BUT he is being unreasonable to not account for his spending whilst asking you to cough up more.
Insist on the conversation about ‘how much comes in and what all the expenditure is’ and you could disguise this as a budgeting strategy and are you getting the best energy rates etc.

You do realise that it’s irrelevant that only his name is on the deeds don’t you? If you were to get divorced, you would still be entitled to 50% of all joint assets, which (incudes the house, any savings in either his name, your name or joint names, and his pension!

Ive been here. Golf is shockingly expensive. You need to insist on seeing his spending.. It will be golf related.
You are already saving a fortune by staying home and not paying for childcare. If you have no money you will be very vulnerable

Every update from you OP was making me sadder for you! This is not a healthy way to live. He is lazy, unsupportive, not a good dad or husband and selfish! If I were you I’d offer to pay that £300 to rectify the deeds on the house. I’d demand to see every single outgoing and then show him your money and everything you spend it on and what (if anything) is left! Then compare to his. Honestly i don’t think I could manage a few days with a man like that!