My husband wants me to pay more towards the bills…

[ZiggyNiko]

I’d really appreciate some outside perspective because I’m starting to feel like I’m being unreasonable, but I’m not sure.
My husband earns around £4,000 a month and I earn around £1,500. I only work 3 days a week because our youngest isn’t at nursery yet, so increasing my hours isn’t really an option at the moment.
We don’t have a mortgage, but my husband wants me to take over the council tax and electricity, which come to around £500 a month combined.
I already pay approximately £500 a month for groceries, as well as paying for our two children’s activities, days out, clothes, and various other expenses for them.
When we go on holiday, say a £4,000 holiday, I’ll usually contribute around £1,000. Even that is difficult for me on my income.
My husband says he runs out of money every month, but the problem is that I have no idea where his money is going. He doesn’t seem willing to sit down and go through the finances with me and explain what he’s spending it on.
What really bothers me is that he somehow has the money for an annual £1,000 golf trip, while telling me that he doesn’t have enough money and that I should take on more household bills.
I’m not saying he shouldn’t have hobbies or spend money on himself. But given the huge difference in our incomes, and the fact that I’m working reduced hours partly because of childcare, I feel like our finances should be looked at as a household rather than simply splitting bills.
Am I being unreasonable for thinking he should be contributing significantly more to the household expenses?

Here’s the form you need to add your name to the deeds. Show him, tell him to fill it in, pay the fees and job done. Oh, and make sure you own the house as Tenants in Common!
https://www.gov.uk/guidance/hm-land-registry-registration-services-fees

I cant believe that despite op explaining her husband is possibly financially abusive , money should be in one pot.
That is really outdated and leaves women extremely vulnerable. Also, its blaming her foe his nonsense.

You need to get both names on the house deeds immediately. And then go over his bank statements. Do not accept any excuses.

This is financial abuse. Put your foot down now. He thinks you're stupid and, to put it bluntly, you have been. You need to change that now.

This is one of the saddest threads I have seen.

Are you sure he is actually going to work, in a proper job, as I don't know what exactly he will be left paying for if he decides that you should take on those other bills once your child starts school.

As others have said he is abusive - lawyers don't make mistakes and if they did they would quickly be resolving it, the way he hides his money, the issue with the nursery (I bet even if you had chosen a different one he would have said it was also wrong to avoid contributing). The way he treats you is awful, but it sounds like he is no dad to the children either if he doesn't want to spend time with them. As someone else said, it's interesting how he wanted a second child yet isn't involved with either, so this i also feel was a way to control you (get you pregnant so you wouldn't leave, make you feel you have to stay with him, a distraction from his own life and what is going on with money).

I think you are right to start investigating and I think you should also try and get some legal advice should you leave him.

My husband and I are in the same income ratio. We have a mortgage and he pays for everything for the house including the cleaners, I pay the window cleaners. I buy food, he largely pays for holidays. I have had some inheritances and they go to large household expenses. I pay for myself, our many animals, our daughter and all her activities and care. He just bought me a modest car. When I had more money than him when we were students I bought him things he needed. The child expenses are a lot, nursery dissapears but activities and clothes go up. Financial coaching for women is a podcast that has helped me. My husband started paying the bills just before I went on maternity, they were split before then. Nevertheless it is our shared money and a group effort. We have separate bank accounts. You need a frank discussion about money including his. When I set up the podcast accounts it was clear that our daughter is my biggest expense. The discussion has to include planning for the child's costs. Remember the value you are bringing in childcare, housework etc. Don't make it easy for him or let him make you feel guilty. Keep your money you earn, you will need it and without it you will be less independant. With no mortgage to be running out of money indicates a spending issue on his side which will not go away if not addressed.

If it is indeed the lawyers fault, the lawyers would rectify it for free, usually as soon as they discovered it was a problem. If you have put a deposit down, you would need to go through source of funds. If you have given him the money rather than the lawyer you took would need to go through source of funds and if there was a mortgage originally, go through other hoops in relation to the cash. It's all a bit strange.
I do wonder whether you are about to find out that (1) your husband is a gambler and (2) there is a mortgage over the property to fund his habit that you don't know about. Download a copy of the deeds - make sure you use a government official website though as they only cost a few pounds and not through a deeds website which will charge you tens of pounds. Once you have that information, go to the lawyer yourself and get it sorted or if there is a charge over the property or the lawyer refuses to rectify, get another lawyer to fight it for you

OP I’m not sure I could live with this full stop. You say he’s paranoid about being used but he’s using you. You basically had the kids he wanted, he wants you to do teo jobs, parenting and earning so he can keep more of his money. The psychological pressure of living with a man like this would be too much for me.

You may find you would be happier by yourself with the kids. He truly is a horrible person. One pot is the easiest way especially when you have one partner who is a significantly higher earner and one parent who takes on the majority of child rearing and domestic responsibilities. Family life is a joint project not a transaction.

We always had one pot, I had a few large lump sums and will get a bigger inheritance than he will but he always earned more than I did and then we decided I would be a stay at home parent. We have the same access to everything and there are accounts solely in my name that he can’t access (primarily money he has earned). We have never counted anything as his or mine it’s all ours. I couldn’t live like this, he’s a real arsehole tbh.

I wasn't married but we have a joint account- I worked freelance and earned a quarter or less than my OH the bills came out of the joint but I transferred the cost of half the bills every month. My OH spends far more than i do so I put my earnings in a separate account- earning far less I was not going to subsidise his hobbies.
You are alreay paying the council tax electricity and the food- there are hardly any other bills, your DH runs out of money because he spends so much on himself, tell him he should pay half of the the bills and tell him to jog on on the idea of you paying more.

So he’s a lazy controlling twat who coerced you into a second child you were reluctant to have so now you’re stuck at home for longer unable to work more hours to contribute more financially but it’s at this time he demands more money from you? What a great guy.

Why don’t you have a joint account where ALL your combined income goes? You are married with two children and have different salaries and responsibilities because of the children. You should be sharing all the costs of family living which means pooling your money.

I could have been writing your posts a few years ago.
It had got to the point in our household that I paid everything (salary about 1500 a month) and exH paid nothing (salary about 4000 a month). It was only after I left that I realised how abusive that was. In fact getting maintenance money meant I was better off than I had ever been. Well until he jacked his job in as he didn't want to pay.
This doesn't sound like a good marriage, there are many pointers to financial abuse.

I don’t get having more than enough money for your family to be comfortable and then squeezing your partner and the mother of your children for every last penny you can get out of her. It doesn’t scream love does it.

I rarely say this but just LTB OP just LTB you are married so it doesn’t matter if you name is on the deeds or not.

When everyone produces the bank statements during the divorce it will be clear he’s been financially abusive towards you. He’ll call you a gold digger but just you remember who was trying to get every penny out of who. He’s the fucking gold digger. Argh it makes me so angry.

I’ll never for the life of me understand how people who share a life and children split their finances like this. Your husband is an arse. Stop buying food for him. Just provide and cook for you and your kids if he’s going to be such a twat

You are being taken for a fool

I would be very suspicious of him at this point.

He makes 4K a month and you don't know what it is spent on.

My guess would be that he has a secret habit (gambling, drugs, prostitutes, a mistress) and might have built up debts. Or he is saving money and planning to leave you.

You need to start investigating what is happening here.

What he is suggesting is nonsense. It sounds like he wants to pay for everything but the rent and his car. The kids are his financial responsibility too. Wasting £600 on a car lease is crazy as well.

Frankly OP why are you with this man? it sounds like he is taking advantage of you financially and is manipulative and controlling. In your shoes I would start talking to a lawyer and start divorce proceedings.

''@Lmnop22 · Yesterday 21:39
He doesn’t hugely out earn you ''

What? he makes 4k and the OP 1.5K...of course he out earn her.

Leave the children in Spain with your parents and then come back and divorce him. This relationship sounds like seriously bad news OP - I'm so sorry.

Did his name fuck end up solely on the deeds by “mistake”.

Get some legal advice on this pronto. On your own. Not with him.

The name on the deeds was not a mistake, Dh have a few jointly owned properties and we would have noticed if they left out my name immediately and asked them to rectify it. I imagine he did the paperwork and he just didn’t put your name on it. He was trying to screw you when you bought the house and he’s been doing the same ever since.

Hi ZiggyNiko! I think you need to tell your hubby to start having a "joint bank account" - where you are both contributing to support each other & your children. It doesn't matter who earns more money - being a family unit together is more important! I hope your hubby can choose to make some positive changes - it is difficult to change habits/patterns - though I am sure you will both be happier combining your incomes. Best wishes from, Kiwi Grandma😘

I suspect he's been blotting out the reality of what things like children's clothes, activities etc cost. I would suggest giving him a breakdown of where your money goes and ask him where he thinks you'll find the extra £500 a month from. Then ask him to do the same. If he keeps on about you paying more, respond every time with a reminder that you're waiting for that breakdown.

But you're married? And this is your joint child? And you're working 3 days because of child care needs? I never, ever understand these situations where this is a "thing." The finances should be a shared pot. Your husband sounds, at the least, controlling.

Before paying for anything more I would be asking to sit down with a year of your bank and credit card statements to see where the money is going

A big red flag in his finances is if he is drawing money out in cash

Just to be aware I always did our family finances. My bookkeeping was meticulous and every penny was accounted for.

Dh took over for 2 years and nearly bankrupted us

Dh is now ex dh because of many reasons. One of them was that despite being a qualified professional in finance, he failed to understand how to budget

Like lots of other people have already said about the house deeds, was it bollocks a mistake by the lawyers. How did you transfer your share of the deposit? Was it to him, by any chance? "Oh, don't worry about setting up a transfer to the law firm, just send it to me and I'll pay it over" style of thing?

Oh no nononononono

You need to get your house on that deed. That's a dealbreaker right there.

And no discussions about you paying more without sitting down and opening up his accounts, too, and showing where his money is going