My husband wants me to pay more towards the bills…

[ZiggyNiko]

I’d really appreciate some outside perspective because I’m starting to feel like I’m being unreasonable, but I’m not sure.
My husband earns around £4,000 a month and I earn around £1,500. I only work 3 days a week because our youngest isn’t at nursery yet, so increasing my hours isn’t really an option at the moment.
We don’t have a mortgage, but my husband wants me to take over the council tax and electricity, which come to around £500 a month combined.
I already pay approximately £500 a month for groceries, as well as paying for our two children’s activities, days out, clothes, and various other expenses for them.
When we go on holiday, say a £4,000 holiday, I’ll usually contribute around £1,000. Even that is difficult for me on my income.
My husband says he runs out of money every month, but the problem is that I have no idea where his money is going. He doesn’t seem willing to sit down and go through the finances with me and explain what he’s spending it on.
What really bothers me is that he somehow has the money for an annual £1,000 golf trip, while telling me that he doesn’t have enough money and that I should take on more household bills.
I’m not saying he shouldn’t have hobbies or spend money on himself. But given the huge difference in our incomes, and the fact that I’m working reduced hours partly because of childcare, I feel like our finances should be looked at as a household rather than simply splitting bills.
Am I being unreasonable for thinking he should be contributing significantly more to the household expenses?

@ZiggyNiko Do you realise how much better off you would be without him? He expects blow jobs, is stingy, is taking advantage of you, is a lazy shit dad. Leave the bastard and file for CMS pronto. This is no way to live, how utterly depressing. Not only you but also your children deserve better.

Where's his money going? I'd suspect sex workers, OP. Either way, he's an absolute shit. I'd start by insisting he takes into account how much he'd have to pay in childcare if something happened to you, then offsets that against your wages eg. if it would cost him £1500 a month to replace you, then you are 'earning' and contributing that amount.

A) you don't know it will cost £300 since he lied about the "lawyers mistake"
B) I don't believe lawyers make mistakes like that.
He would have had to sign all the mortgage papers and house purchase papers.. So even if the lawyers made a mistake, he should have spotted it. He made sure your name was not on the deeds, which is troubling.
C) He didn't make any mistakes when he got you to hand over the money for the deposit did he?

You really need to see some kind of legal or financial expert so that you can be well informed and will be able to detect any bullshit nonsense.

You had to use your savings during maternity leave.. you need to have your own savings for emergencies and its not fair if he is building savings whilst your free childcare allows him to work full time and earn a high salary.

Its financial abuse that you don't have any information about household finances and what he spends the rest of his money on, whilst you seem to be paying most of the children's expenses.

Apart from getting the spreadsheet from him with
his expenses,I will ask to see his bank statements too, just to check if there are any cash withdrawals, as I have a feeling deep down that something isn’t right.
Also, apart from all this, I’m going away with the kids to see my parents (I’m originally from Spain). He was meant to come with us, but he’s now decided to stay behind as he can’t take the days off work. So he’ll have two weeks off without the kids, while I’m going to struggle travelling with two children.
My older son is sad because he was really looking forward to spending time with his dad. I guess part of me feels like he just wants some peace and time without us.

My husband and I have roughly the same difference in income as you and your husband, I also started working part time because of child care (my choice as we could afford it and I wanted to). We put all of our wages in a joint account, we then take out some for joint savings (which goes towards holidays, etc), equal amounts to each of our ISAs and after that we split whats left over after bills, food, days out etc as fun money into our seperate accounts.

You are a team, I hate reading about women who are forced to live scraping pennies as their husbands hold the purse strings, and childcare is seen as worthless and a woman's responsibility that must never financially or mentally impact a man. You are not staff, you are not a room mate paying market rate, you are the mother of his children and an equal. He's a fucking shit bag and hope he has other redeeming qualities that are not apparent in this thread. X

Start charging him for the work you do with his kids and your cooking and cleaning services. On an hourly basis. Then you will have plenty left over for his unreasonable demands.

What exactly are you getting out of being with him? You will have three times the housework, three times the food bills, twice the electricity bill living with any standard man - and on top of that you look after his kids and his house unpaid and he gets to go on golf trips.

What, precisely is in it for you?

I know you're feeling depressed about this situation but give yourself credit for starting to get proactive about it. Knowledge is power. Getting him to show you his financials is a good jump off point. I think what's becoming clear to you is that he's not engaging fully as a parent. Or a husband. And that can't continue. Both you and your children deserve better.

He wants an unpaid nanny with a fanny, and even worse than that he wants YOU to pay for the privilege of having three times the housework, three times the food bills, twice the electricity and being unable to work full time while you mind his kids.

He's a complete shitbag. Can you move back to Spain with your parents?

@ZiggyNiko only read your replies and I am literally shocked at all of it. This is not normal behaviour as you seem to be realising.

Unfortunately your husband is ticking the boxes of being financially abusive. This is hard to hear but you really need to get some help - others have suggested women’s aid which is a great starting point.

I have never heard of any solicitor accidentally missing the name off house deeds. It sounds like this was intentional and even if it was a true accident, he earns £4,000/ month you do not pay a mortgage and he doesn’t want to pay £300 to rectify the mistake? What is stopping you from saying you’re not paying towards groceries this month because you want to rectify the mistake?
If you’re honest with yourself, are you scared of him?

You are absolutely contributing more than your fair share to the household. I’m sorry you’re being made to feel like you’re not. There is a hole in your finances and I suspect the answer here is going to be something dark.

It doesn’t sound like a marriage at the moment - you’re not on the same team - do you have any fun moments / intimacy any more? Do you even want to be married to him? If no I think the bigger picture is getting yourself out of the marriage not whether or not you should be paying an additional £500 towards the household

If you’re worried about his reaction i would get professional advice. Please keep yourself and kids safe - the trip to Spain actually might be a good place to be where you can try and get your ducks in a row. Unless there is a huge change in his behaviour, as others have suggested you would be better off without him even if it doesn’t seem like it. The children would also probably spend more time with him if you were apart than they do now!

It sounds like he is financially abusive refusing to put your name on mortgage deeds. If you divorced him you would get half of the house. I would wait until DC goes to school then go back to work full time. He will have to do his share of drop offs and collections or pay someone to do his share. If he refuses I'd divorce him.

That's a red flag. You need to get your name on the deeds immediately. You should not agree to pay any more towards any bills until he is fully transparent about the family finances and you get your name on the deed for the house. He is taking advantage of you.

And also, why are the children's clothes, activities, groceries, childcare etc your responsibility? Did he not want to be a father and is now resentful about it?

Doesn't sound like he will be happy until he has you funnelling every last penny of your wages into joint expenses. There is no way you not being on the deeds is a lawyers error either.

LTB and claim your half of the lot and be free of this selfish, awful man. He does not have your best interests in mind, or any interests, doesn't sound like he has any care at all for his family

@ZiggyNiko Having read all of your posts, I don't think there is anything innocent about this. His salary is being siphoned off for something nefarious, he is trying to ensure you have no safety net, I suspect the second child was more about keeping you out of FT work and excluding your name from the deed is worrying.

You might be better off on your own.

Apologies if someone else has already said this, but I would register an interest in the house with the land registry so he can't remortgage or get a loan against it. No way did he accidentally forget to add your name.

Could it be drugs or gambling that he is spending his money on or is he generally stingy?

You need a joint account for household expenses. With no mortgage he should not be running out of money.you need to see a solicitor pronto to get your name on the deeds.

I’m guessing gambling. Get some legal advice and figure out an escape plan.

Do not agree to pay a cent more into expenses until you pay for the house title to include you equally.

You also contibute the cost of childcare during two working days every week and during your entire Spanish holiday.

Your DH needs to learn more accurately what you contribute similarly to you learning more about his finances.

Educate and see a financial advisor together to learn about how best to accumulate family wealth and financial security.

That's ridiculous @ZiggyNiko .

Why didn't he want your son to go to this nursery?

How much would his choice have been?

What's the difference in cost?

Not that it matters because of course the nursery fees and all the other children's expenses should not be down to you to pay.
I think him saying he won't pay because you chose the nursery is just a way of him avoiding that expense.

He really does sound like an awful controlling miserly man. Your life with him sounds pretty joyless. And he sounds like a pretty absent father too. Clearly he wanted you to have the second child to keep you away from financial independence, not because he loved being a dad.

You do need to get your ducks in a row, which will give you information, and options.

First step is to find any financial papers you can, including any that show where the house deposit money came from (you can request copies).
Take any such paperwork you find away with you.
Check online too if you can (although I appreciate that might be difficult if not impossible).
Even finding the names of his bank/pension/investment etc would be useful.

His money must be going somewhere - worst case it's wasted on gambling or drugs,but I wouldn't be surprised to find he's socked loads into his private pension and other investments.

Ask to have the earnings/expenses review before you go away, so that you can both do some thinking on it while you're away.

Write down what you pay for child-related costs every month, itemise it all.

I would suggest that when your DS starts school, the money you were paying for nursery fees should go into your pension instead. He really shouldn't argue against that, although he probably will.

When you come back from your trip use some of your savings to pay the costs of adding your name to the house deeds.

Once you have done that, and have the financial info you need, you can decide whether you want to stay with him or not.

Good luck, and I hope you enjoy your time with your parents.

💐

This is absolutely awful. The man is an abuser and a shit dad to boot. No sex or anything that benefits you, but he gets blow jobs? Insane. The insistence on having a second child for you to be the only person paying or caring for them is outrageous. Your husband is disgusting, and you need to organise your way free of him OP. This will never be a happy or fair marriage, he’s a pig!

i met my wonderful husband nearly 40 years ago and since day 1 we had a joint bank account and all money went into said account. We both have a card to access the account, a credit card we both access that is paid in full each month…..never any question if I was working to contribute or not. My husband has always provided for us and has been the main source of income. If you have a mortgage and a life together you should have one account together.

Put all the bills and joint outgoings into a spreadsheet. You pay into a joint account proportionately to your salaries to cover this. The rest is your own disposable income or for personal expenses. That's how we've always done it.

No way should the household be 'running out of money' with a £5.5k pm income and no mortgage. But he sounds pretty spendy with a £600 pm car lease and golf, does he have a club membership and spend time/money at the 19th hole? Perhaps he's squirreling money away in secret savings too?

It goes without saying that he's financially abusive and it also sounds like he's controlling and possibly looking to trap you in your situation of being the main parent for young children as he was so keen for you to have another child. Hopefully that won't happen again.

But it does sound like you could manage if you divorced as long as he pays maintenance as you'd have a reasonable salary and could earn more when DC are older, especially if you could buy outright on half the value of your current home. Don't forget that you've probably fallen behind with pension provision too, due to his financial abuse causing you to work part time. That and your unpaid household labour/child rearing needs to be accounted for in the financial settlement.

@ZiggyNiko Did he want a 2nd child to control you? It sounds like it's financial control and keeping you in the house, not working. You really do need to get your name on the deeds. He is an abuser.

If it was the solicitors mistake, why would he need to pay to rectify it? He’s robbing you blind, piece of absolute shit.

This is a much much bigger issue. Lawyer’s fault??!!!he is taking you for a ride. Wake up. You need to see a lawyer asap.