My husband wants me to pay more towards the bills…

[ZiggyNiko]

I’d really appreciate some outside perspective because I’m starting to feel like I’m being unreasonable, but I’m not sure.
My husband earns around £4,000 a month and I earn around £1,500. I only work 3 days a week because our youngest isn’t at nursery yet, so increasing my hours isn’t really an option at the moment.
We don’t have a mortgage, but my husband wants me to take over the council tax and electricity, which come to around £500 a month combined.
I already pay approximately £500 a month for groceries, as well as paying for our two children’s activities, days out, clothes, and various other expenses for them.
When we go on holiday, say a £4,000 holiday, I’ll usually contribute around £1,000. Even that is difficult for me on my income.
My husband says he runs out of money every month, but the problem is that I have no idea where his money is going. He doesn’t seem willing to sit down and go through the finances with me and explain what he’s spending it on.
What really bothers me is that he somehow has the money for an annual £1,000 golf trip, while telling me that he doesn’t have enough money and that I should take on more household bills.
I’m not saying he shouldn’t have hobbies or spend money on himself. But given the huge difference in our incomes, and the fact that I’m working reduced hours partly because of childcare, I feel like our finances should be looked at as a household rather than simply splitting bills.
Am I being unreasonable for thinking he should be contributing significantly more to the household expenses?

He sounds like a liar and a thief to me.
get your name on those deeds ASAP. Then, all income goes in one bit pot which is used to pay all bills and everything for the children. After that, you each get to withdraw the same amount of money for fun and hobbies. He’s having a laugh if he thinks he can keep all his money while you raise his kids for free.

Just leave this man. Leave him. Please leave him.

Your name isn’t on the deeds?!

As a married woman you have the right to register an interest in the house:

• Many people believe that marriage automatically gives them ownership of half the home. This is not correct. Ownership remains with the named owner unless changed, although the courts can order transfers on divorce.
• Others fear they can be thrown out of the home if they are not on the deeds. This is also not correct, because home rights give protection until the marriage ends.
• Some worry their spouse can secretly sell the home. Registration of home rights makes this extremely difficult and ensures you are notified.

Registration is a simple but powerful safeguard. It alerts anyone dealing with the property that you have a legal right to occupy. It is especially important if your relationship is under strain or you fear your spouse may try to sell or borrow against the home without your agreement
From
https://www.bishopslaw.co.uk/married-but-not-on-deeds/

and this is the form to register your home rights.
https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/notice-of-home-rights-registration-hr1

Wow!
so he doesn’t get his own way and punishes you financially. Your husband is screaming red flags with every bit of info you give I’m afraid. This, the house deeds. I’m really sorry OP, you deserve better than this.

he doesnt want his son to go to the best nursery What a prince among men 😕

No I would not give it to him he earns a lot more than you.

im guessing gambling, drugs or sex

or stock market losses

I agree. If it were genuine you’d be saying “Look! After I’ve paid all this, there’s nothing left!” And the house would have both your names on it.

Maybe your first spare £500 should go on getting that paperwork changed instead of the council tax! He can suck it up for one extra month, the chancing b

I’d be looking at his bank statements. I bet there’s a lot of cash withdrawals because he’s either paying prostitutes or a dealer

'We both paid same amount of money for the house deposit however only his name is on the deeds. '

get that sorted now !

How is the rest of your life @ZiggyNiko? Are you near to family and loved ones? Have you got friends around you? What about time for you away from the children and home, apart from work? Do you get the opportunity to go out without DH and kids and do your own thing?

There’s some great advice on here OP but contacting women’s aid is the best advice I’ve seen repeated in a number of posts 💐

Get him to correct that ‘mistake the lawyers made where they FORGOT to put you on the house’ (I call so much bullshit a sewage system would overload) before you’ll talk about it. Then say I won’t pay a penny more until we’ve walked through all the finances. I had our children and I earn less, you get golf holidays I can’t afford. I have nothing to hide and can walk through my bank accounts with you but if you can’t do the same then we are financially incompatible. I buy every thing for our children and you haven’t the first idea. You wanted these children and you don’t pay much for them nor look after them but I suspect you also think I’m lazy became you have no idea what looking after them entails, so what kind of dad and partner are you really.
first is HOUSE! No waiting, tell him to find the 300 this week or cancel his golf hobby, you don’t get expensive hobbies but you did pay half the deposit.

This sadly.

He's being ridiculous getting through 4k per month with no mortgage. Every marriage is different and I know there's no one set way of doing things but here's what we do: each gets their salary paid into own individual account. We work out what all the household outgoings cost per month. Having put child benefit towards that, the rest that's needed comes from our individual accounts. So a standing order each plus child benefit go into a joint account that we refer to as the household account. All bills, mortgage, shopping comes out of that, with us each having a debit card for that account. Whatever is left of our two wages remains split evenly in the individual accounts. For example if one parent is part time but then doing a lot more hands on with kids they don't have to have less money than the "breadwinner". So it's rectified by the major earner increasing their standing order and the lesser earner reducing theirs, just to even up the disposable income. Its feels equal. Working at a job/working towards getting everyone fed, clothed, cared for, its all to the same end. No he pays this bill, she pays that bill. Sounds like your DH would not like that? Sorry that was a bit long-winded. I'd suggest you flip the conversation round and start with "we should both have equal disposable income". I know some people just have everything paid into one joint account but I prefer having my own money so I can get him a birthday present for example. (But also to avoid HOW MUCH for a haircut???? 🤣). Should have said the household costs include an amount to be shoved into the joint savings account. M Lewis would have my guts for garters if I didn't mention that!

I would work out how much you spend on nursery and groceries and make him show you where his money goes. I would not be paying a third of your income towards bills unless he contributes towards nursery and food. Idea
ly you would both have roughly the same amount of personal spends but given you pay for food, nursery, children’s costs and towards bills I would expect there to be little left. If your husband is running out of money even though you have no mortgage and he isn’t paying for food or nursery I would expect the reason is either
he is over spending maybe on cars and his golf
he has debt and is committed to repayments
he is lying and is sitting on a nest egg he doesn’t want you to know about

How was the mortgage paid off?

just from your few posts so far your finances make zero sense.

considering how long you have been married, was it like this pre children too?

Technically...you bring in 27% of the total income so you should pay 27% of the joint bills and he should pay the remaining 73%.

Or you could leave the cheeky fucker and not subsidise his vaping, extortionate taste in cars and golf holidays...

There should be a family budget that you are both across so you know all the incomings and outgoings. It should capture absolutely everything. After those expenses and savings are covered, whatever is left over should be split equally between you. Then it’s up to him to manage his own spending money.

I cant believe he said you have to pay for nursery costs because it's the one you wanted. You have an adult conversation about pros and cons and don't use money as punishment. So controlling.

He is financially abusing you. See a Solicitor about getting your name added to the deeds. I doubt they forgot to do it, if they did this would be negligence on their part and you should raise a formal complaint or sue but I suspect this is bullshit. So when you bought the house together with a joint deposit did you not have any dealings with your conveyancing Solicitor to ensure it was purchased in joint names ? The Solicitor usually writes to and deals with both parties so what happened. Did you leave it to him to sort out ? As others have said don’t agree to do anything more financially until you have full disclosure of where his money is going and you sit down and go through everything you both pay for. Ask for his bank statements for the last 12 months as he doesn’t seem to know where his money goes. If he refuses you know he has something to hide could be gambling/drugs/mistress/secret family/ or squirrelling money away if he plans to leave.

He didn't want our son to go to this particular nursery so he said it's my responsibility to pay for it.

This is the measure of the man, he doesn’t want to pay for his own children. You’ve let his miserly ways go on for far too long, it’s time to get serious and possibly brace yourself for a few surprises. He’s taking the piss and it stops now. It’s a stressful way for you to live and you deserve better.

After I posted I went back and read your posts through the thread

I don't ever give this advice lightly, I think Ive dont it once before, but LTB

He is not parenting, he safe guarding what he feels is his and is not willing to spend what you can afford on giving the kids the best that can be afforded

The minute you bring children into this world you fight tooth and nail for them. You gibe up your weekends in the pubs and clubs to ensure they dont miss out - they get before yourselves

You are already full time carer - and work PT. How many hours are you working caring for the kids? Your financial input is much much higher then his so why is he asking for more ??

I agree with others saying this is financial abuse. You enable this man to work by looking after your house and children and the excuse he's made of not paying for your child's nursery because he wanted them to go to a different one - oh please.

Also the bit about him thinking you would be after his money. Don't have any of it if he indicates this is what you are after again. He sounds very happy to 'rob' your house deposit with only his name on the deeds. He sounds happy to essentially 'rob' your time and as much of your income as he can whilst he works as he wishes, takes golfing holidays and you have to pick up the slack.

When you go through finances, make sure you also go through time spent caring for the children and doing duties at home. That should be fairly split too and if he wants you to do more than him so you can't work and have a career like he does, the money needs to be shared and you need to be fairly compensated rather than struggling whilst he has financial freedom.

Should you split, having any of 'his' money would be what you are entitled to, not greed.

He’s been taking you for a mug and probably smug about it to himself

4k a mth , no mortgage and he’s asking you on 1.5k to pay extra - fuck off

Honest op if you’ve lost respect/love for him
go it alone you and your 2 children. I’m sure you’d be much happier
Nobody in the background telling you
“ your too soft”
watch tv on what channel you want
bed to yourself, read,tv

financially I’m sure you’d be better off
He has to pay child maintenance to you