My husband wants me to pay more towards the bills…

[ZiggyNiko]

I’d really appreciate some outside perspective because I’m starting to feel like I’m being unreasonable, but I’m not sure.
My husband earns around £4,000 a month and I earn around £1,500. I only work 3 days a week because our youngest isn’t at nursery yet, so increasing my hours isn’t really an option at the moment.
We don’t have a mortgage, but my husband wants me to take over the council tax and electricity, which come to around £500 a month combined.
I already pay approximately £500 a month for groceries, as well as paying for our two children’s activities, days out, clothes, and various other expenses for them.
When we go on holiday, say a £4,000 holiday, I’ll usually contribute around £1,000. Even that is difficult for me on my income.
My husband says he runs out of money every month, but the problem is that I have no idea where his money is going. He doesn’t seem willing to sit down and go through the finances with me and explain what he’s spending it on.
What really bothers me is that he somehow has the money for an annual £1,000 golf trip, while telling me that he doesn’t have enough money and that I should take on more household bills.
I’m not saying he shouldn’t have hobbies or spend money on himself. But given the huge difference in our incomes, and the fact that I’m working reduced hours partly because of childcare, I feel like our finances should be looked at as a household rather than simply splitting bills.
Am I being unreasonable for thinking he should be contributing significantly more to the household expenses?

You've got no mortgage and you pay the groceries and nursery fees, these are amongst the highest outgoings. I bet he has a tonne of money stashed away frankly and he is tightfisted about it, or he has somehow got into debt.
He should pay more as the higher earner. I am the higher earner and I pay a higher proportion of the bills. I am diligent about making sure my DH contributions are not meaning he is withdrawing money from his savings while I benefit from it. My DH does a lot of school pick ups so we benefit from not needing wraparound care very much. Your DH is not recognising that you working part time and caring for your children is a benefit to you as a family.
You need full transparency from him about finances and don't agree to any more bills with anything less.
You don't sound happy OP. I would quietly get some legal advice about your house , and regarding separation if that's the way things are heading.

Do the "blow jobs etc" result in an orgasm for you or is he mean and selfish there too?

As she's married - and has been so for a long time- and as the house is the marital home the OP will have a claim on it regardless of whether she's on the deeds.

It's reasonable of him to ask you to earn more
Not unless he starts picking up his share of the childcare, housework, mental load etc it isn't. * *

Here you are, dearest, let’s sit down and work out where all our outgoings are, what’s coming in and then we can agree a fair split go in forward. Probably based on percentages - as you earn so much more than me as I have to be partly home to care for our DC, you’ll obviously by happy to put in the biggest amount.

https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/banking/budget-planning/#spreadsheet

But frankly, he sounds like a financial abuser.

I don’t know why there’s a quote in my post, I haven’t ‘quoted’ anyone and nothing is appearing in my draft message! Sorry ….

Look at it as you have a joint income of £5.5k.

Work out how much all the bills are
£500 groceries
£500 council tax and electric
£600 for the car
£££ for insurances, internet, phones etc
£££ for children's activities
Put some aside each month for holidays and day trips

Maybe it all adds up to £3.5k, then you have £2k spending money left over, split it so you have half each.

It might work out that you pay for groceries, he covers everything else, and you each still have the same amount of spending money left over.

Why isn't he paying nursery fees?

Def need to sit down and look at his account and bills and income

if he can afford a £1k golf holiday he can afford to pay more into joint account for bills

least you are married and house will be shared if you split but why isn’t your name on deeds esp if paid half deposits

no sex since youngest was born. But he gets bj’s

how about what you get ?

The more I read of your responses OP, the more I feel that you aren't really happy in this relationship anymore, so I'd be 'getting my ducks in a row' as the saying goes. Get some legal advice, and start looking for a full time job with prospects, as this is no way to live your life. Your husband sounds like a selfish, lazy man, who wants all the trappings of money, while fleecing his poor wife into paying more than her fair share. Get rid of him, and start living life on YOUR terms instead of his!

He pays for everything except food and children's activities. I think OP needs to write down every household expense and personal expenses. Until you do that how on earth can you decide who pays for what.

He should be embarrassed, he should be paying all the bills on that salary. You're supposed to be a team and he's expecting you to pay more bills on that income. He's unreasonable. You should be sitting down and looking at all the incoming and outgoing money. Does he love and care about you and the children? Why doesn't he want to work at a team and contribute as much as he can. I would be highly offended by this. It's craziness. He's out of order.

I'd be considering if I really want to stay married.

Both your money needs to go into a joint account and bills/food are taken out.
Any big personal expenditure is discussed.
Youre a team!

You paid an equal house deposit but don’t have a mortgage- has it been fully paid, if so how/ who paid that?

What is he hiding and Why? You’ve some big questions to ask and he will squirm trying not to answer.

You need a joint account and all money goes in there...

With no childcare bill and no mortgage i have no clue what he is pissing his money away on.
We have childcare and mortgage costs... but our spend excluding those (which are high) is 2.5k pm (thats everything bills food etc)

in your shoes i would have a lot of questions....

Meanwhile, he's the one robbing you.

As he won’t pay for all shared DC costa including nursery that enables you to work I would refuse to contribute anything!

I don’t actually know what he’s spending on expect (at the moment) council tax £300, electricity £200, car lease £600, his phone £20, vape £40. That’s barely £1200. Like some of you said we need to do out income and expenses spreadsheet to see what’s going on. I can’t afford to take on those 2 big bills while I’m paying for groceries and all expenses with the kids.

Let me get this right….So of the 1200 he covers at the moment, he wants you to take on 500 of that leaving you actually covering more than him if he had his way? Your amount would increase by £500 and his would decrease by 500 so he would only be covering 6-700 which is basically just his stuff? Car, phone, vape while you basically cover all of the household costs as well as childcare and activities.

Id be telling him to piss right off!! Sorry OP but he’s taking you for an absolute mug if he wants that. It’s like he’s trying to ensure you don’t have a penny left and that really isn’t right and in my opinion tantamount to financial abuse.

Agree with this. @ZiggyNiko This man is abusing you. You and your children deserve so much better.

These kinds of posts make me so frustrated and angry and sad. How do these types of men keep finding women to fall for this?

And why is it so often the woman paying for kids costs?

You should have a shared pot that you contribute to equitably (25/75). If you are struggling but he cash spare for his annual goal retreat then there is an issue.

Tbh though I would be working on getting in a position to leave this man.

Also, if he’s expecting you to cover childcare costs, he’s completely trying to check mate you because you can’t really go full time without increasing your childcare expenses which then cancels out much of the extra income from the full time work.

Why on earth are you paying nursery fees and all expenses for the kids?! It doesn't matter if he liked the nursery or not, it’s a shared family expense. Although, having read the whole thread, this is the tip of the iceberg. He's a total waster.

Have you not read the OP's updates?

The abusive husband has never acted as if they are a team!

He has been deliberate in his financial abuse of her.

Unfortunately, the OP is only just realising it with the help of the Mumsnet community.

She should remain with separate finances but instead get her interest in the house updated with Land Registry and immediately start divorce proceedings.

Hopefully, she will get to keep the house as she has young children, he will get booted out and she will get a lot more money off him through division of the total matrimonial assets including his savings, if any, maintenance payments and get a claim on his future pension.

So OP, the future could look a lot rosier when you divorce your supremely selfish, lazy, abusive husband.

I'm sure you can change names on deeds yourself online for a lot less than £300 for a solicitor. using Form AP1 or similar. I did myself when we bought the lease on our house.

Who is paying the rent/mortgage?
Home insurance? Gas bill?
Water bill? Car insurance, tax and MOT?