My husband wants me to pay more towards the bills…

[ZiggyNiko]

I’d really appreciate some outside perspective because I’m starting to feel like I’m being unreasonable, but I’m not sure.
My husband earns around £4,000 a month and I earn around £1,500. I only work 3 days a week because our youngest isn’t at nursery yet, so increasing my hours isn’t really an option at the moment.
We don’t have a mortgage, but my husband wants me to take over the council tax and electricity, which come to around £500 a month combined.
I already pay approximately £500 a month for groceries, as well as paying for our two children’s activities, days out, clothes, and various other expenses for them.
When we go on holiday, say a £4,000 holiday, I’ll usually contribute around £1,000. Even that is difficult for me on my income.
My husband says he runs out of money every month, but the problem is that I have no idea where his money is going. He doesn’t seem willing to sit down and go through the finances with me and explain what he’s spending it on.
What really bothers me is that he somehow has the money for an annual £1,000 golf trip, while telling me that he doesn’t have enough money and that I should take on more household bills.
I’m not saying he shouldn’t have hobbies or spend money on himself. But given the huge difference in our incomes, and the fact that I’m working reduced hours partly because of childcare, I feel like our finances should be looked at as a household rather than simply splitting bills.
Am I being unreasonable for thinking he should be contributing significantly more to the household expenses?

@ZiggyNiko you need to sort the deeds out and go through the finances. And remind him what childcare would cost if you were not available - how much a month does that save? That’s an equivalent contribution. He is taking advantage of you. Maybe he is putting loads in a pension - you both need to be doing so.

My goodness, this man is awful.

Time to get angry. Definitely not a nice thing, what he’s doing. If he won’t contact a lawyer tomorrow, tell him you will. Next month, instead of using those £500 to pay the council tax so he can have extra fun / secret savings / secret addiction money, use it to consult with a lawyer on both house ownership and divorce options. You are not in a partnership OP, you are in an abusive relationship.

I think if I were on maternity leave and the father suggested I should use my savings to get by I would laugh at him. And then pack my bags.

Of course he did. And what was the alternative he offered… that you stay home and don’t work so he can control all the money?

I've always sat in the solicitors office when we've been buying houses there's no mistakes made, solicitors are very careful.

This would concern me greatly.

WOAH, I just read that your name is not on the house deeds. That is major. Tell him you want this rectified immediately and go and see a conveyancing solicitor to get it sorted. A decent man would fully understand this.
Incidentally, it won’t matter if you get divorced since it will be counted as a marital asset of which you would be entitled to 50%, also as it is the family home, but it will have inheritance tax implications I believe.

Tell him you’re open to contributing more to the family finances but for that you need a full understanding of them to understand why you need to contribute so much of your salary. Suggest to him you both run full credit checks and sit down together to go through those and all of your outgoings and incomings. Add on that it would be a great time to identify where the money will come from to put you on the deeds.

If you are legally married (and were when you bought the house) it does not matter at all whose name is on the house deeds, its a marital asset.

To be honest if you bought it pre marriage there will bank records etc showing you giving half the deposit and paying a share of the mortgage payments, its going to be a marital asset either way after 18 years and two kids.

A £600 car lease sounds like he likes to live beyond his means.

When I bought a house in 1997 my partner had to have legal advice to sign to have no right to my property. If you can demonstrate you contributed and you can...I'm sure you have acquired rights...
Your DH sounds utterly appalling

You need to get that corrected. Immediately. Fuck his excuses you tell him to do it or expect a different kind of solicitors letter. He is lying about the solicitor messing up and he’s stolen that deposit from you.

The fact he won’t sit down and go through the bills with you is a red flag imo. Along with you don’t have a mortgage to pay, he’s on £4k a month take home and is running out of money each month- or so he says. If he wants another £500 out of you a month on top of what you already pay for (food shop isn’t cheap) he’s going to have to have this long sit down and go though all this with you. Basically, he’s got some explaining to do.

Sounds like you’d be better off (in every way) if you divorced this ‘man’.
Good luck, OP, you will be so much happier free from him!

Thank you everyone for your replies. It’s good to hear other people’s perspectives.
My husband has always been worried that I may want to “rob” him, especially as his mum is well off. Little does he know that I have absolutely no interest in taking anything away from him. It’s sad to be treated that way.
He does live beyond his means, and I’ve told him that if he had a £300 a-month car instead, he could use the money he saves to pay the council tax. But he doesn’t want to think about it and would rather ask me for money instead.

this is financial abuse
your name is not on the deeds of your own house
You had to use your savings on mat leave -while he continued to earn well !
you are paying for the children- the children you both agreed to have !
Your provision of childcare and looking after the home means he can continue to out-earn you -usually this should mean these earnings are pooled as family money for you both to use.
you need to see a lawyer re the house deeds. You husband isn’t going to do it. I would also contact woman’s aid for advice.

Also this.this is a very very suspicious mistake for the following reasons:

1. the mortgage provider would have asked for evidence of where the deposit came from. If you were not married & you provided it but were not on the mortgage, they would have expected to see a document from you stating it was a gift & not a loan or a stake in owning the property.

2. to borrow against your combined income the bank would have had you on the mortgage & deeds.

You must get yourself on the deeds. Eek. x

He earns 4k a month and you don’t have a mortgage to pay? Does he have a secret family?

Why are you living like this. You should have full transparency on finances. Separate accounts can be acceptable, but you share children. If you don’t end up with equal discretionary spending, then inevitably the mother is subsidizing the father. (Or gestational mother is subsidizing the non-gestational mother or primary parent is subsidizing the non-primary parent)

unless you are truly paying significantly less to reflect your reduced income from child care and maternity leave, he is stealing money from you. What kind of man does that?

Oh the irony. He has been stealing from you for two decades. How dare he accuse you of robbing him!

He’s probably very scared you will wise up one day, and divorce him. You would suddenly be able to claim your half of all marital assets, including whatever secret pensions and savings he has. He’d have to pay child maintenance and actually spend time with his children on court-mandated days.

He’s living the high life thanks to you subsidising it. He’s terrified of you wanting to split and then his life becoming worse for it.

You hold the power here OP!

He's abusing you financially OP.

Get yourself on the deeds asap.

Yikes.

Honestly, some people have no idea how normal people live. How can you think any of this is normal OP?

You’re being financially abused.

Why isn't he paying at least half the nursery fees for his child? Instead of prioritising holidays and golf.

You'd be better off on your own,assuming you contributed to paying off the mortgage before having his children.